Comments on: When Will He Ever Stop Doing…?

By: 8 Tips for Handling Extended Family Stress During the Holidays — Bija Talks Blog

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 05:03:46 +0000

[...] When Will He Ever Stop Doing…? [...]

By: TechyDad

TechyDad — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:55:57 +0000

The arguments that my wife and I have seem to be perpetual in nature too. The house is a mess & I never help her clean it. (Or the flip side: I want to clean the house and she claims I’ve got a “bug up my butt” about it.) How much of the mess in the house is mine. (Her claim is usually that it is nearly all mine, but when confronted with her stuff lying around, she claims there are good reasons why it’s there.)

My main problem recently are the stress-arguments. Whenever there’s a stressful situation, she becomes very argumentative and tries to hurl blame my way. When the stress-situation passes, she acts like nothing happened while I’m still hurt at what she said during the argument. To give an example, we recently ate at a restaurant. After leaving, we realized that we didn’t have our little one’s sippy cup. She yelled at me for forgetting it. I reminded her that she was there too and could have remembered it so we both forgot it. She claimed that since *she* paid the bill and *she* drove the car and *she* carried our little one’s seat, *I* should have remembered the sippy cup. (I had done other things like carried our son and diaper bag out.) What got me most was that a replacement sippy cup costs less than $5 but she was acting like I lost her diamond earrings.

It turned out that the people we went to lunch with took the cup with them by mistake. After retrieving the cup, she dropped the argument and that was that. She was back to normal and didn’t apologize at all. Meanwhile, I was hurt over what she said for the rest of the afternoon.

Having grown up with a father that would hurl verbal daggers when stressed, I don’t like this situation at all. I don’t think “I was stressed” is an excuse, but I don’t know how to resolve this repeating problem without causing yet another argument. Of course, it doesn’t help that my natural response to an argument is to clam up and not say anything for fear of losing my temper and saying something that I know I’d regret later.

TechyDad´s last blog post…The Jammie Thomas Verdict and Ridiculous Copyright Fees

By: How To Keep Arguments From Escalating | Simple Marriage

How To Keep Arguments From Escalating | Simple Marriage — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:43:16 +0000

[...] on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of [...]

By: Chele

Chele — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:57:19 +0000

Sorry just getting to my reader! I have to say that my husband and I only ever argue about money issues. Usually only because we are both stressed! We each put 50% work on everything. I agree with the comment about Fireproof marriage… that movie is awesome! My hubby actually went to see it with me. The Love Dare book is something we have suggested to others to use that are having problems! I love Corey’s Simple Marriage blog! Thanks for writing from a man’s perspective!

By: Corey - Simple Marriage

Corey - Simple Marriage — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:58:24 +0000

Julie- Any time we are faced with difficult, emotion filled, conversations the best thing you can do is search for the appropriate time to talk (i.e. not when things are already tense, not right before going to sleep, etc.) and then be honest about what's going on with you. Share your concerns, your fears, knowing that he has the right to respond however he wants (having this discussion while walking together or sitting side-by-side can relieve some of the tension, you don't have to talk face-to-face). If you take care of you and share your thoughts, at least your concerns can be in the open and then possibly addressed more upfront. It sounds like this is much more involved for you and he so take advantage of seeking professional help if necessary. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to discuss more out of the public's view. Best of luck. God Bless. Corey - Simple Marriage´s last blog post...When Will He Ever Stop Doing…?

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:30:26 +0000

It is helpful to know that other people are going through some of the same problems. It helps to make me feel less alone. I will be married to my Hubby for 9 years this fall. We have been through many up & downs; job loss, the death of my mother, moving, having children, buying a house, etc. We have weathered many storms. Early in our relationship we were not good at resloving our issues but we are improving year by year. My Hibby does not drive, has never driven. Our children are nearing school age & I am feeling overwhelmed. I have no idea how to approach this subject & handle well. I do not want to hurt him, but I would love for him to try to learn to drive. Simple Marriage has helped me through several situations, do you have any advice on handling big, complicated situations?? I love him, I want to be with him forever, I do not want to hurt him.

By: The Accidental Housewife

The Accidental Housewife — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:24:21 +0000

We have our differences, like everyone, but they are very minor so far.
When he has/n’t done some thing I think he should/n’t do, I try and remind myself how lucky I am to have him here to get annoyed about. It makes the issue of a half full toilet roll in the bin or a massive beetroot spill in the fridge seem minor, in comparison to the loneliness I feel when he is away on work (which he often is), or the struggle I would have if he wasn’t here at all.
Also, I try and think of how, in a years time, I would like to look back and remember myself responding. I find it’s a good cure for my occasional childish tantrums.
Of course, neither of these techniques worked when I was hormonal and pregnant, I’m just lucky I have an understanding husband!

By: Asha

Asha — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 05:54:57 +0000

Thanks for the lovely and encouraging article Corey!
We have been married thirteen years and still going strong. We are entirely two different personalities, that it sometimes surprises me that we get along well. Here are things that helped me in the tougher situations
1) Pray it out… anytime something bugs me or when any issue that I just could not agree crops up, I talk it out with God… amazing things happen to me and to the situation when I do that!
2) When there is an argument brewing up into a potential battle, I find the best course is to just keep quiet by choice. I wait for awhile, even a whole day or night, then ask for an ‘appointment’ time (when the kids aren’t around) to discuss the issue.
3) Taking walks alone, being active with hobbies or things I enjoy, generally being outdoors – all help take one’s mind off an intense situation.

By: Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship

Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:21:28 +0000

I just heard that a friend is getting a divorce after about 3 years of marriage. He thought he could talk himself into wanting kids, but he didn’t. They are still friends and will work it out w/o a lawyer. To those who aren’t yet married: don’t expect your spouse (or yourself) will change on the big issues!!!

Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship´s last blog post…Frugal Find, Honey Fav and a Freebie

By: Kate in NY

Kate in NY — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 21:56:36 +0000

When I am having an argument with my husband of 15 years (usually one of three “perpetual” arguments that we tend to have), it really helps to stop and “say it from the other person’s point of view” – with no judgments or “but’s” allowed. In other words: “I understand that you are angry because I said I would be on the 6:00 train, and you were counting on that when you were making dinner,” or whatever – then the other person does the same thing, a non-judgmental summary of the other’s POV. 99% of the time, this simple exercise clears the air immediately! I think that what we all really want, even more than “winning” an argument, is to know our partners are listening.

- Kate