Comments on: What Does Your Marriage Teach Your Children?

By: JJ

JJ — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 01:05:16 +0000

Very sad but true.
I don’t believe in “changing” in relationship.
In this kind of cases, we’re dealing with two possibilities:
a/ Most common of all. Both parties are not responsible = they can’t love. In this case we’re dealing with a kind of relationship I like to call ‘negative’. Why? Because both couples are attracted to the other by similarities of their weaknesses. In this case if one of them/both grow up, the relationship is finished. The only way to keep it going is to stay at the same level of symbiotic co-existence.
b/ Very rare. Relationship is build around positivities in both parties, but still – they don’t have to neccessarily be “made” for each other. This relationship can also “burn-out”.
c/ Aboslutely rare. two responsible, loving persons are making a decision of “joining forces” in their journey through life
If we want to change our life we start with our selves, but in many cases the bigest roadblock is our second half. It’s very unfortunte that people spend so much energy in trying to resurect something that in reality never existed. Or existed only in their heads.
Another unfortunate thing is waiting with decision until children grow up. It’s making sure that they’ll repeat exactly the same error in the future (there are exeptions – but very rare talking out of my experience)

All the best

Jan

By: Judy

Judy — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 11:03:36 +0000

I have been “amening” these comments but your last comment hit me between the eyes because a one-sided relationship I now believe is not fixable. I am turning 54 tomorrow and have been married to my high-school boyfriend for 32 years and it wasn’t until last year that I admitted to myself that he simply does not love me the way I love him. He doesn’t love himself, our children or our grandchildren the way I can pour love all over my friends and family. I have spent my entire life trying to fix us but finally had to face the cold facts that he is so closed up inside his self-loathing that only a God-given miracle could make him smile. I have always worked extremely hard at making our home a happy place for our family but last year realized that his attitude was changing me in a very negative way. Our youngest will finish college next year and this house can be very quiet. At this point I am so torn between finding someone that is capable of loving me just because I’m loveable or staying to the end and trying to keep smiling for other reasons. I would like to know what it is like to truly be loved before I die because I am positive that tomorrow will be just like yesterday no matter how hard I try to fix us.

This site has helped me to realize that I am not alone out here.

God Bless Us One And All,

Judy

By: paige

paige — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 06:52:37 +0000

I have been married for 17 years, I am 40 and my husband is 41. We have 4 beautiful daughters, 16,14,12, and 8. While we have gone through some tough and rocky times in our marriage we have never ever contemplated divorce…we just always knew “and this to shall pass” we knew inherently when we met that we were soul mates and right for each other. We love unconditionally each other and our daughters. I feel very blessed because most days it is very easy to be married and honestly and these days are few it is honestly tough to be married…but we never ever think about leaving we just say…you need a little space I’ll go here…you go there…and if resoect is there then space will be given. Our daughters see us argue but they see us love more than anything and through our arguments they see the love we have for one another. I hope everyone can have this…it is not perfect but it is what makes us happy and there is so much love.

By: Danny Grubb

Danny Grubb — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 00:43:10 +0000

I have been with my wife for 8 years (although we’ve only been married for <1 year). I saw cancer take my wife's dignity one embarrassment at a time. We stayed together when infertility tried to steal our spirit over and over again. Then I saw my wife take her dignity back one fight at a time. I was there when after 6 years of failure after failure we finally had our twin girls in March of 2009. During all of this we had literally every reason to just give up. The strain that those two things can do to a relationship separately is bad enough, but in combination?

But to my surprise something quite different happened. We both got more flexible with our expectations, we both became more patient, and we learned how to support one another when we needed it most. We fought and we became stronger.

Its been nearly a year since the birth of our twins and I love my wife more than ever. If something ever tried to challenge our bond again I know that we would both fight to keep our relationship strong.

Thanks for the great post.
.-= Danny Grubb´s last blog ..Prepared Dads: 3 Steps to Keep Your Home Secure =-.

By: Good Reads: The Office : Domestic Cents

Good Reads: The Office : Domestic Cents — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 10:55:15 +0000

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By: Sandra

Sandra — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 02:29:10 +0000

I’m not sure that I would characterized you as naive or judgemental, but I think that unless you ‘walk a mile in my shoes’ it is easy to “decide” that I didn’t aske enough questions? or how does a couple change? It is human nature to change and evolve. It is the fortunate couples that make the effort, do the work, or have the luck to change together. But please remember, no matter how hard one person tries, you can’t force someone to care.

God bless, and you are in our prayers.

By: Megan

Megan — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:48:42 +0000

As a newlywed, I really enjoyed this article. I am fortunate to be involved a new, yet positive marriage but sometimes it is easy to become complacent and feels the effect of the complacency. The idea of decluttering really isn’t one I hadn’t thought of yet and it really makes sense. I thought this article had ideas that every marriage could benefit from, even a brand new one like mine. So thank you for bringing attention to ways that I can improve and grow as a spouse and partner.

By: Corey - Simple Marriage

Corey - Simple Marriage — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 13:52:01 +0000

Hey SeattleGirl- You don’t come across harsh or judgmental, or even naive.

Instead, I would think that your experience is also quite common, just not talked about often or referred to in this post. For some couples, while the marriage is still work, it’s just so natural that they don’t even notice the work or effort they make towards and for their marriage. And in your case, it sounds like you both have been supportive of each other through life’s struggles, which I would term working on the marriage for each other. Going through a crisis, especially with someone you love, makes the relationship bond more and at a deeper level.

Blessings on your journey and healing. And your marriage. Thanks for the comment.
.-= Corey – Simple Marriage´s last blog ..Ask The Readers: Sex Is … =-.

By: SeattleGirl

SeattleGirl — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 06:34:21 +0000

Forgive my bluntness, but this post and the comments all seem to use such harsh, action-oriented phrases…”Marriage is work”…it’s “worth fighting for”…you have to “put effort into it.” Is it naive of me to think that when you’ve found the right person, being married to him or her just isn’t as hard as those phrases indicate? Are we not choosing our partners well to begin with? Are too many people simply dating for x years, and then deciding that the next logical step must be marriage since after a certain period of time, you either break up or get married?

(As an aside: I’ve never understood couples breaking up and getting back together or going through counseling before getting married; it seems to me that if there’s something there to cause a break-up, there’s surely something that’s going to be a problem later on in their marriage.)

My husband and I started dating in college and married eight years later (after spending part of that time dating long distance while figuring out our careers). We’ve been married for nine years and have journeyed through most of the major stresses in life: several moves, buying our first house, my father’s death, starting a business, raising a 2yo, and now, battling my stage III cancer. My marriage has been one of the easiest and most supportive things in my life. I don’t feel like we have to wake up and think “what should I do for my partner today?” before doing it, we just DO it.

I see so many marriages around me that (to my outsider eyes) are still strong and loving, and since divorce is pretty rare among my circle of friends (we’re all in our mid 30s with 5-15 years of marriage), I just don’t get how a couple changes to the point that one member wants to leave. Are people changing and growing apart or are we just not asking enough questions to *really* learn about one another before saying I Do?

If I come across as naive or judgmental, I hope you’ll blame it on my chemo brain. It just seems to me that if we choose well to begin with, being with a partner and wanting the best for our relationship as we mature should be the easy part.

By: sharongilo

sharongilo — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:11:47 +0000

Very good post! As a marriage therapist for many years, I do think that most couples will need some professional help when they reach the point of thinking they’re staying together for the kids … it’s so, so complicated and therefore tremendously helpful to have an objective therapist helping you though the difficult discussions.
If you’re trying on your own, do read and read and reflect individually and then together on your thoughts. My little book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) can help you along in the following way: if you and your spouse cannot commit to implementing, at least some of the behaviors, it is doubful the marriage will evolve in a positive way. Come by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com