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When parenting means steering into the skid

Megan — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:01:34 +0000

Written by Megan Tietz of Sorta Crunchy

I closed the door to our bedroom, tip-toed to the far side of the bed and sat down quietly on the floor. From the living room, I could hear my four-year-old daughter screeching at me to come help her with her computer game.

Here I was, the parent who so attentively responded to her cries when she was an infant, the mother who gently led her through the wilds of toddlerhood, the person who has written more than once on positive, proactive parenting—literally hiding from my preschooler and her constant crankiness.

It was not my finest moment.

We’ve been going through a rough patch lately, and I know this season is universal to the experience of parenting. It’s easy to get caught in a frustrating cycle: the more she pushes, the more I pull back.

A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany when my father’s advice about navigating hazardous road conditions began to ring in my ears: “You’ve got to steer into the skid.”

Photo by Mish Bradley

When your child goes through a difficult phase, it’s challenging for even the most dedicated of positive parents to stay the course. It’s easy to implement all we know about healthy, proactive parenting when the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming, but when the road is covered in ice and you just can’t seem to get any traction anywhere, well, it’s easy to spin out.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that much of the advice given to drivers navigating hazardous road conditions actually speaks quite perfectly to parents who are navigating the precarious parts of parenting that are inevitable in the life of every family.

Avoid going too fast.

Driving experts say that most icy road collisions could be avoided if drivers just slowed down. When I thought about when this difficult phase with my preschooler began, I realized it coincided with increased busyness in my life. As my book’s big deadline neared, I found myself flying past my daughter with a kiss on her forehead and “I sure love you!”, but little else in the way of true connection.

Kids are more sensitive to changes in pace than we are, and a sudden plunge into misbehavior may be a warning signal that as a parent or as a family, things are moving too fast.

Leave plenty of space.

Photo by Tony the Misfit

It’s pivotal to leave enough space between your car and the others when roads are dicey. When parenting a child through a rough patch, the same idea holds true: it’s pivotal to make space for them.

When my child pushes me with her bad behavior choices, my natural instinct is to pull back and cut her off. But as a positive parent, I know that disruptive behavior is often an indicator of a disconnect between the parent and child.

The tricky part is putting that theory into practice and intentionally creating meaningful, dedicated space where she and I can genuinely connect.

Anticipate problem spots.

My friend Laura and her family recently road tripped from Indiana to Oklahoma to hang out with our family for a few days. We were amused by their curiosity about the “Do Not Drive Into Smoke” caution signs that mark certain stretches of Oklahoma highways. Grassfires are a common event in our state, and motorists are warned repeatedly not to drive into smoke that may have engulfed the road.

I’m guessing that the highway departments of each state have put time and money into signaling potential problem areas to drivers, be it smoke, ice, construction, curves, or blind spots. As parents, we are uniquely equipped to anticipate the problem spots that trigger chancy conditions with our children.

For example, it’s difficult to take my daughter to the grocery store this time of the year. Toys and glittery lights and sugar-laden treats on every aisle practically guarantee a serious case of can-I-have-this-itis. I’ve learned to navigate this problem spot by either going to the store solo, or by reinforcing boundaries and expectations beforehand.

Steer into the skid

Photo by KSDigital

When a car goes into a skid, the natural impulse is to jerk the wheel. We want to resist the scary loss of control and oftentimes over-correct, which is just as dangerous. And isn’t that the case with parenting? Correcting behavior issues is important of course, but in the midst of a troubled phase, sometimes the best approach really is to turn loose of the resistance and intentionally steer into the skid.

What does this look like in action? Find ways to re-establish the connection with your child. Pursue physical connection with more hugs, snuggles, and cuddles. Invite emotional connection by being purposeful with eye contact and authentic conversation. Develop spiritual connection by engaging in activities that allow your child’s spirit to soar.

As I’ve confessed to you, no one knows more than I do that sometimes it feels easier to hide. And to be honest, sometimes I need a Mommy Time-In before I’m equipped to parent through perilous parenting moments.

But once I am centered and re-focused on helping my child navigate her big feelings, I’m better able to the healthy and helpful parent she needs.

We can talk about positive parenting all we want, but until our philosophies have been tested by the stormy weather of difficult childhood phases, it’s all just talk. Putting positive parenting to the test when it would be easier to hide, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.

What is your go-to strategy when your children are going through a difficult phase? What specific examples can you share about what steering into the skid looks like as you parent your little ones?

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A Preschooler’s Allowance

Tsh — Fri, 16 May 2008 04:00:12 +0000

As I mentioned yesterday, we’ve started giving our three-year-old daughter an allowance in exchange for simple household chores.

Photo by Michele Catalano

I know that $2.45 weekly isn’t going to buy much more than M&Ms or a bouncy ball. But that’s not the point. The point is, we want our kids to start learning how to manage money early.

I’m a Dave Ramsey-ite, but this idea is not trademarked by him. The basic concept of giving, saving, and spending has been around for generations, and we want to keep it that way in our family. The sooner our children understand that our money is given to us by God, and that out of thankfulness, we give some of it back, the easier it will become a lifelong habit.

Saving money likewise requires discipline, and to practice the art of paying yourself first, even from the 17 nickels like we did last week, will reap benefits that far outweigh whatever could be bought with 1.7 coins.

So when we give our daughter her allowance (or commission, or whatever you want to call it), we count the stickers on her chore chart, and then count out the same amount of nickels. We then tell her how much goes into the giving jar, and how much goes into the saving jar. The rest goes into the spending jar.

Her spending money can go towards whatever she wants. That means that yes, if she’s in the grocery cart and she wants those gummy bears, she can buy them if she has enough money. But it comes out of her spending jar. (A side note: Of course we take care of her needs, and yes, we buy her gifts from time to time. Not a lot, but we aren’t expecting our three-year-old to fend for herself financially. That would be nice, though, wouldn’t it?)

We haven’t used this system long enough to really see the longer-term benefits, but friends of ours who use this method have nothing but good things to say.

There’s a guy in his mid-30s from our church back in the States who bought his family’s Suburban with 100% cash from his childhood allowance. We don’t really have those kind of expectations for her giving and spending goals, but again, the account balance is not the point. The point is cultivating a habit in preschool that’s hard for grown adults to do. Hopefully, her heart will follow.

Isn’t that a great gift to give your kids? It really is all about changing your family tree, one small thing at a time.

How do you work out money with your kids?

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Chores and Preschoolers – a question

Tsh — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 07:22:17 +0000

What do you think are appropriate chores for a 3-year-old? My daughter regularly “helps” me around the house with cooking and cleaning, but I think she’s getting to where she can actually be a help around the house. But what can I expect of her, ability-wise, and what’s just asking too much from a preschooler?

I’d love to hear if you have any ideas, or maybe what works well in your home. Also, do you use a chart system for them to keep track of their chores? Do you compensate for their work with rewards or allowance?

I know every child is different, both with their abilities and with their eagerness to be a help. But all ideas are welcome!

For more questions to answer, head to Rocks in My Dryer.
Art by Jana Christy

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Organizing Toys for Dummies (or at least preschoolers)

Tsh — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 12:58:58 +0000

I love for everything to have its place – my three-year-old, on the other hand, could care less. And I’m okay with that. I wasn’t organized until adulthood, and still manage to swim under clutter every now and then a lot more since the birth of our second. She doesn’t have a lot of toys, but the ones she does have tend somehow to get everywhere. And since we’ve recently switched from nap time to “quiet time,” she’s got a good chunk of time to herself to get into all sorts of mayhem.

Exhibit A:

We recently bought shelves and storage buckets at Ikea, which work great. However, when it comes to clean-up time, all the toys are tossed hither and yon into whatever bucket is closest (and you can believe me when I say it’s like fingernails down a blackboard for me when that happens – but I keep my mouth shut). I understand that she’s too young to sort well, and she can’t yet read. So.

Question: How can I label these identical buckets so she can sort-of put her toys away where they belong?

Answer: photos.

I took out a couple toys in each bucket and took a quick snapshot. Here is her pretend food:

I then printed the photo and taped it to the bucket.

Walla. A really high-tech, fancy label that will hopefully help my preschooler know what goes where.

After:

(Notice how one bucket is already turned upside-down as a makeshift dining table.)

And I’m not so delusional to think she will now put everything exactly the way I would want it. I know there will still be mayhem and some gnashing of teeth come clean-up time. But perhaps this will help a bit, and will inspire this independent, I-wanna-do-it-myself little girl to keep her room a smidge neater.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

This is my contribution for both Making Your Home a Haven Monday and Tackle It Tuesday. I’m kinda busy this week.

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How to Transform a Kid into a Superhero

Tsh — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:13:43 +0000

My nephew’s birthday was last week, and we wanted to make something homemade as a gift. Chickpea rolled up her sleeves and helped me make her cousin a cape and mask from an old pillowcase. I found the idea here. Here’s what we did:

Our supplies were

an old pillowcase
scissors
ribbon
fingerpaints
needle and thread (not shown)

Step 1 – Cut the pillowcase lengthwise into two pieces, and cut off the cuffed hem – this will be your mask.

Step 2 – Cut out eye holes.

Step 3 – Have fun with fingerpaint.

Step 4 - Attach ribbon for straps to the cape and mask, and voila – a new identity.

Enjoy -it’s frugal and it worked for us.

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