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Words will never hurt me?!

Robin Dance — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:01:23 +0000

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

I‘m embarrassed to admit it, and its truth pains me, but I’m almost certain the people to whom I’ve spoken most hatefully are my own children and husband. I’ve wondered if I’m the only one who does this.

Why do the people I love most receive the worst treatment I have to offer? Thankfully, mean or impatient words are the exception, but with my upcoming extended separation from my children, I’m acutely aware of my propensity to speak in a less than loving manner; ironic, because I have such thin skin myself.

Two recent occurrences with my teen boys drove this point home–

• After my oldest son cleaned his room, I opened his closet door; it was no surprise his version of clean didn’t match mine. Irritated, I began organizing and cleaning out the war zone, only to be discovered by him mid-way through. He braced for mama wrath, instead caught off guard by my calm (not typical) response. Before all was said and done, we were finishing the work together–happily. I hadn’t even asked him to join me.

• My husband gave our youngest a jar of pennies he’s been saving for years, along with a stack of coin wrappers. Sitting at the kitchen table while I was making my way through a mile-long To-Do List, my son struggled to wrap the pennies without them collapsing; it was the first time he’s rolled coins. My initial response was frustration–why was he having difficulty with such a simple task?! “I knew how to roll coins since I was in grade school!” I thought, but thankfully stopped before those words made their way across my lips. Instead, I stopped what I was doing, sat beside him and showed him the best way to roll coins. I watched his frustration melt into understanding.

When children reach their teens, it’s easy to think they’re unaffected by harsh words. Don’t be deceived—your words and tone can wound them deeply. Consider the following:

1. Think and breathe before you speak.

Remember the old “Count to ten” adage? Not a bad idea when you’re frustrated with your teens. They’re expecting your fury; they know when they’ve pushed too far. Surprise them with kindness, an even tone and grace when they least expect it.

2. Don’t assume they can read your mind.

Like the case of my son rolling coins, I was frustrated he didn’t know how to do it by osmosis; because I knew, he should know. Consider their perspective and whether you’re projecting your experience onto them.

3. Tell them what they need to hear.

I am not suggesting insincere flattery or compliments where they aren’t warranted. But it’s likely your teenagers have been hurt by the cruel words of classmates, peers, or even teachers or coaches, so take every opportunity to counter those negatives with positives. Every teen needs to hear these things often from their parents:

I love you.
I’m proud of you (be specific when possible).
I’m sorry (when you’re clearly in the wrong).
I forgive you (when they’re clearly in the wrong).
You’re beautiful/handsome (they’re bombarded by TV, magazines, billboards and film with messages of false beauty; affirm their features, character, and personality traits, which speak to their inner beauty and are the things you like best about them).

Sometimes word void is more painful than word damage.

Have you ever been hurt or haunted by cruel words of others? In parenting, have you ever found yourself saying things you swore you never would? Think about one important message you want to impress upon your teen, and if you’re willing, share in comments.

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Demystifying the college search

Robin Dance — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 05:46:48 +0000

Written by parenting teens contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

My first-born will begin her college freshman year later this month. With over 4,500 colleges and universities in our country, deciding where to attend followed a rigorous, months’ long odyssey that required investigation, perseverance, and sifting through a lot of noise. Because we didn’t begin sooner, we also had the added pressure of short deadlines.

While information is readily available if you’re willing to invest the energy and time to find it, the college search can be daunting. I’d like to share some of what we learned with the hope of helping those of you with college in your child(ren)’s future. These tips are offered to:

simplify the process of searching for—and determining—the best college for your child
lessen confusion and frustration
encourage you to act earlier than we did!
possibly even save you money!

1. Take the lead.

Unless you have a remarkably motivated or driven student, she will decide which college to attend based on her friends’ advice or the prettiest direct mail pieces or websites, then apply in a panic (after scholarship deadlines have passed) to whatever school she can find that is still taking applications.

If you want your child to have diverse college options and scholarship opportunities, you’re going to have to be involved.

Your child needs you now, like she hasn’t in years.

Good communication is crucial during the college search process. I also see it as a partnership between parent and child, where each has tasks to do and deadlines to meet.

2. It’s never too early to begin, but if you wait it could be too late.

The ideal time to begin thinking about college is at the beginning of your child’s freshman year in high school (we started late—second semester junior year); not knowing fully what they want to do, but what will be required to get them there so they can choose apply themselves in those areas (i.e., grades, activites, etc.). The best way to expand options for college choice is to be a well-rounded student. Grades matter, especially in core classes, but they’re not the only factor; leadership, extracurriculars, sports, work and volunteerism will all contribute to an impressive resume.

Scholarship applications typically have fall deadlines, so if your child waits until his senior year to become active, admissions counselors will have reason to believe it’s only to have something to record for his college resume.

3. Test, test, and test again.

To qualify for academic scholarships, colleges generally consider a student’s activities and leadership, her GPA, and her ACT or SAT scores. One point on the ACT can mean the difference in qualifying for the next level up for scholarship assistance, meaning a savings of thousands of dollars (I don’t know the equivalent range for SAT scoring).

Our daughter’s second ACT score was two points away from that next level of scholarship money. We solicited the help of a tutor who coached her in how to better take the test, and helped her focus on her weaker areas. He charged $40, she scored two points higher, and she was eligible for a scholarship that saved us thousands of dollars over four years.

Re-taking the ACT or SAT multiple times to improve your score is a short-term price (and pain) that has potential to save a ton of money and expand your child’s choices for college.

Photo by rutlo

4. Do your homework.

Help your child see his strengths, passions and natural aptitudes. For many, it’s difficult to identify his or her major as a freshman, but it’s important to think about these things early.

Then, tap into invaluable resources:

School guidance counselors
College Board. The single-best resource for gaining information about specific colleges and universities, including campus size, gender ratio, faculty-to-student ratio, student body statistics and so, so, SO much more.
Student Aid on the Web. From the U.S. Department of Education, this has information on funding post-high school education.
FAFSA. A free application for Federal Student Aid. “An online tool to provide institutions with an estimated amount of a family’s financial resources that can be expected to be available for college. It is simply an index that allows an institution to fairly compare families when awarding federal, state and institutional financial aid.” (Source)
Fastweb. An online portal to search for scholarships, some of which are very creative.

5. Due diligence.

Keep in mind that searching for a college is usually a season with a happy ending! If you want to help your son or daughter maximize options for choice and scholarship, it will require work from both of you. But I promise, every minute of research, each word penned for an essay, all the effort spent on constructing a solid resume, the hours spent in preparing for and taking standardized tests, and every moment spent in prayer will make a difference.

We’re living proof.

Note: For the sake of brevity, I’ve shared just a portion of our experience. My work-in-progress, an ebook titled “Simplifying the Search for College: A Parent-Child Guidebook,” is on track for an October publication! If you’d like to receive an alert when it’s available, please let me know by confidentially sharing your email here. I’ll go into additional details for the suggestions included in this post, plus cover topics like making the most of campus visits, samples and suggestions for what to include on a college resume, tuition negotiation, and more! If you have questions you’d like covered, be sure to leave a comment.

As a parent, what part of the college search seems the most intimidating? Overwhelming? Exciting?

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Encouraging Children To Embrace Lifestyle Change

Renee — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 05:01:30 +0000

Written by guest contributor Renee Tougas of FIMBY.

Change is a part of life. We give our children an amazing tool when we teach them to adapt to change.

Sometimes we undergo a personal or family transformation that calls for major upheaval in our lives. Mom or Dad takes a pay cut to have more time with the family. You downsize your belongings and house to live debt-free. You choose to adopt a child, rescuing them from poverty and extreme suffering.

Life-changing beliefs and convictions call for life-changing decisions.

In just three short months our own family will be trading our current life for another one. We are leaving our home and moving out of the country. Downsizing our belongings and living with family for a season. And then making home again in a province where we don’t speak the dominant language.

You can read the whole story here at FIMBY. It’s safe to say, there’s a lot of upheaval in our family life right now.

Photo by Renee Tougas

We are making this move during a stage of parenting where our children are not just tag-alongs.

Our children are eleven, ten and nine, well beyond the years of “pack the crib, toddler beds, and toy bins.” In order to maintain a peaceful, happy and contented home we need them on-board with our plans.

You might not be making huge life altering decisions right now; you might just want to live more simply and with greater intention.

Whether you want to cut out stressful extracurricular activities, de-cluttter the kid’s rooms, or are just trying to eat dinner together every night as a family, if you have children past toddlerhood you need everyone’s participation to be successful.

Here are the techniques we have used to help our children embrace lifestyle changes, both big and small.

Common Vision

The most important piece in helping children embrace a major lifestyle change is to communicate your overall family mission. As they get older, it is even better if they help craft that vision.

Here at Simple Mom Tsh has written about making a family mission statement. She also gives direction in her book, Organized Simplicity. You should check out these resources to help you get started.

Before your family embarks on any significant changes (homeschooling, downsizing, moving, adoption, etc.) you need to clearly communicate to your children why you are doing this.

“What’s in it for me?”

Let’s be honest, everybody asks this question — children especially.

There are two parts to answering this:

1. Immediate and tangible rewards

There should be immediate and tangible rewards for your children as you make major lifestyle changes.

In our case, we need to downsize our household possessions. There have been rewards along the way for our children as they have let go of things. A family experience, treats or purchasing one special toy in exchange for a bin of less desirable toys are a few examples.

2. Long-term, individual growth

This point is especially important for older children.

One goal of large-scale family change is to help everyone reach their personal potential.

The change should encourage the development of your children’s gifts and skills, and maximize how they can uniquely contribute to your family’s mission.

Photo by Renee Tougas

For example, let’s say your family is about to embark on a more back-to-basics, homesteading lifestyle. If age appropriate, your children’s interests and talents should be a part of the decision making for how to build your home, what animals to raise, and what crops to plant.

If your children know you are in their corner, that your goal is to help them develop, they are more likely to come on-board.

Be the Primary Influence

I’m the first to admit I think it would be hard for our family to make our upcoming change if our children were going to school and had strong attachments to peers.

As it is, we homeschool (because of the freedom it gives) and are able to determine our own family culture because of that. Our intention is not to withdraw from interactions with other people. We truly value forming relationships outside our family.

However, as the parents, we want to be the dominant influence in our children’s lives during their formative years. Not their peers, school, sports teams, or even church.

The time will come when they will spread their wings and make choices for themselves about where to live, what to eat, what to buy and how to worship. But in their younger years, we are responsible for those choices.

This doesn’t mean you have to homeschool — but the stronger your influence on your children, the more likely they are to embrace a family lifestyle change.

Photo by Renee Tougas

Find a supportive community

Being part of a community of people with similar values is so helpful when making big life changes. Especially when those changes take you further outside the mainstream culture.

We all want to feel like we belong, and children are no different.

For years our family has invested a lot of our time in pursuing outdoor adventures together. It’s part of our mission. We hike most every weekend and backpack also, but haven’t found many families around us who do the same.

However, we recently met a family who enjoys these same pursuits and went winter camping together. The adults had a great time, but our children LOVED it, having fun and connecting with other kids like them.

Photo by Renee Tougas

Nothing replaces a rock solid family foundation, but finding community makes new experiences and transitions easier and more enjoyable.

Be inspiring and enthusiastic

It’s fine and dandy if one of your family goals is to live more simply, but if there is no joy in doing so don’t expect the kids to embrace your philosophy.

Your life should be enriched with better family time, deeper relationships and more joyful living because of the changes you’re making.

For example, if your family decides to pay down debt, your own attitude should be inspiring to your children. Be realistic — it may take some time to win them over to a new way of doing things, like cutting back expenses to save more money.

Encourage them with your own enthusiasm.

Start young

Making big changes that mark your family as different than the norm is easier when your children are too young to know the difference.

Some people think “Oh, these baby years are so hard, let’s just wait till the kids are sleeping through the night, out of diapers, fill-in-the-blank before we make any major changes.”

I say, go for it now. This is the ideal age. If your dream is to become vegetarians, live like “Little House on The Prairie,” or sell most of your belongings to live overseas, do it now while your children are little and you won’t have to go through most of what I’ve shared above!

Has your family made any big lifestyle changes? What techniques do you recommend to help children with change?

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7 Ideas for Screen-Free Travel with Kids

Megan — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 05:00:54 +0000

Written by kids columnist Megan Tietz of Sorta Crunchy.

As the summer season kicks into high gear, families are making plans, packing bags, and hitting the road for a time-honored tradition – the family road trip.

A few years ago, we bought a portable DVD player to keep our kids entertained while we traveled. And you know what? It worked great! But it broke, and we decided not to replace it. And then we re-discovered how much fun family trips can be when we are engaged with and connected to each other.

We’ve had to get a little creative in coming up with ideas to keep the little people occupied without the help of a screen, especially since neither of them are old enough to read independently.

I’ve been thinking about what my family did when I was a child on road trips in those pre-DVD days, so I thought I might share a few ideas to inspire your travels this summer.

1. Play games.

Go vintage! Bring back the travel games of your youth and teach them to your children. Even my two year old can play I Spy, and older kids might like the ABC game.

To prepare for long road trips, my mom would load up with travel versions of our favorite games (Yahtzee was always included!). M.A.S.H., Tic-Tac-Toe, and Hangman are all games that are relatively easy to play in a moving vehicle with just a pad of paper and a pencil.

2. Sing songs.

Of course there are road trip classics like “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” but wouldn’t it be fun to teach your kids the camp songs or cheerleading chants or popular songs of your childhood? I might never heave learned every single word to Johnny Horton’s “Battle of New Orleans” if it hadn’t been for my dad serenading us with it on every road trip of my childhood!

3. Read books.

Photo by twodolla

If you find it hard to fit reading time into your normal, everyday routines, perhaps travel time will allow you to catch up on some of what you have been missing.

Include a trip to the library in your pre-travel preparations to stock up on reading material for kids of all ages, and don’t forget about audio books! Look for stories that will appeal to all ages. The hours will pass by so much more quickly when the imaginations of your family are indulging in the joy of listening to stories being read.

4. Tell stories.

Listening to the stories of others is wonderful, but what about narratives from your very own family? Do your children know the story of how you and your spouse met? Where was your favorite place to vacation when you were a child?

In the fast-paced culture in which we are raising our children, it’s easy to let family tales slip through the cracks. What better time to share stories then when you have a captive audience?

5. Write notes.

For children who are old enough to read and write, a journal is a great way to capture conversations while on the road. You could invite your children to ask questions they have been struggling with, or you could provide them with some prompts to get the conversation going:

What makes you really, really happy?
What makes you really, really sad?
What is your favorite smell?
If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Pass the journal around and let everyone have a chance at recording responses. The road trip journal is sure to become a family keepsake!

6. Take pictures.

Photo by Kamoteus

Be tourists! Stop at scenic turn-offs and hop out of the car for a picture. Capture shots of silly billboards or road signs. Take a picture each time you cross the state line.

I have an old point-and-shoot that I let my daughters (carefully) play with on long trips. They get some very interesting shots as well as some great pictures of each other in the backseat. With digital cameras, all of the wasted pictures can be deleted in a second, but the fun pictures will make a great addition to family albums.

7. Be quiet.

Somewhere along the way, I fell into the trap of believing that I was responsible for the entertainment of my children for every second we were on the road. I had forgotten that some of my favorite parts of road trips as a child came when I was just watching the landscape roll past. Our days are filled with lots of noise, but aren’t vacations supposed to offer us a break from the usual?

I am certainly not disparaging those who bring DVDs and portable gaming devices along on trips. There is a time and place for everything. However, if families began to view the time spent traveling as a wonderful part of the journey rather than just means to an end, we might discover there are golden opportunities for memory-making, if only we are brave enough to turn off the power button.

Further resources:

Parent Hacks :: Beyond I Spy
Games Kids Play :: Car Games
Association for Library Service to Children :: 2010 Notable Children’s Recordings

What do you remember about travels with your family as a child? Have you tried any screen-free travel with children lately? How did it go?

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Adoption: Lessons Learned

Nicole — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 05:00:20 +0000

I’m on maternity leave from June 11 to July 16: The following is a guest post from Simple Organic contributor Nicole Bennett of Gidget Goes Home.

As I’m writing this post, my son, who we recently adopted, is almost eight weeks old — which is to say, I’m definitely not an expert on this subject. It all happened pretty quickly for us, which is pretty rare in adoption. I haven’t read many books (yet), but I’ve been thrown into one of the most emotional, exciting experiences of my life.

So far, I’ve already learned some important life lessons, both about adoption itself (open, in our case), and one of the most important parenting lessons of my life as a mama, one that applies to both my children (even my biological one).

Here’s what adoption has taught me.

Out With the Old: New Adoption Terminology

Photo by TheOnlyAnla

The phrase that most commonly rolls off the tongue is “giving up for adoption,” but a year ago, when our adoption journey began, we learned that term has long gone the way of “groovy” and “psych” in the adoption community.

And while the new alternative, “making an adoption plan” might sound like merely a euphemism, in reality it is a much better representation of the situation. In most cases, much counseling, deliberation and planning goes into the adoption choice.

The new, positive, terminology is more fair to all parties involved– not in the least, to the child. As I raise my son, I want to use a vocabulary that shows how much I value his birthparents and their role in giving him life and his unique genetic traits.

Here are a few examples:

old: real or natural mom/dad/parents; new: birth- or biological mom/dad/parents
old: He’s adopted; new: We adopted him (adoption as an action, not a description)
old: to give up the baby; new: to place the baby
old: to keep the baby; new: to parent the baby

Myth Busted: The Truth About Birthparents

When we started our adoption journey, the biggest misconceptions my husband and I had were related to birthparents. Unconscious, stereotypical ideas went through our minds of uncaring, unloving baby-makers. When we were finally introduced to real-life situations and relationships (both through reading and through our agency’s orientation), we began to see some of the truths.

Often, the birthmother actually wants to be a parent but simply feels unable to at the time she finds herself pregnant. This was something I hadn’t thought of before. She has a deep love for the child, a love which allows her to give life to her child, and to choose a family to raise and nurture him or her.

Our birthmother has given us space to connect and bond as a family, although I know she desires to remain in contact with us and our son over the years. This is not the heart and attitude most stereotypes attribute to a birthparent.

The relationship is unusual, even awkward, as it is unlike any other relationship we’ve ever had. But thanks to this squishy, sweet bundle of joy, we now have an intimate connection with two people we barely know. Over the years, I’m sure even more truths will surface for us.

The Biggest Parenting Lesson I’ve Learned (Thanks to Adoption)

Photo by Weird Beard

As the mother of children both through adoption and through my own pregnancy, not every lesson I learn in parenting (and in life) will apply to my children the same. But going through the process of adoption – the waiting, the unknowns, the roller-coaster of extreme emotions, the lack of control — has taught me one big and general lesson.

It’s simple, really.

I have to hold my children loosely in my hand.

In California, where I live, the threat of an earthquake is always looming. For this reason, bridges and freeway overpasses are built with expansion joints — little gaps in the concrete — that will serve as space cushions in the event of movement.

As I raise my children, I can’t hold onto them with a rigid, possessive grasp. My grip is tender and protective, yet flexible enough to allow for freedom and movement.

Because, the truth is, I’m ultimately not in control. Whether I gave birth to them, or made the choice to adopt them, I must see each of them as “a treasure on loan from above,” as a friend of mine says.

Instead of frantically grasping them tighter, I daily remind myself to commit them into the strong, capable hands of the One who created them.

What’s the biggest parenting lesson you’ve learned so far in your journey? If you’ve adopted, what’s the biggest myth you’ve had busted?

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The Things You Don’t Need (But They Say You Do) For a New Baby

Tsh — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:00:15 +0000

This post was first published on October 8, 2008, and since we’ve got number three percolating, this topic has been on my mind.

Expecting parents know the gauntlet of baby gear pushed and prodded their way through the store’s aisles. Modern-day culture all but convinces the average parent-to-be that they may very well fail at their upcoming task without the shiny new products begging for purchase. Never mind that men and women have parented children for eons without most of these things.

I have recently walked the “expecting parent” route, having two preschool children, and I registered for gifts with both. But my lists were small, because we really didn’t want to have stuff for the sake of stuff. We only wanted things that would enhance our home and our new life with a baby.

Here are a few items I opted not to get – and did just fine without.

1. More than one stroller

Photo from NY Daily News

Instead of going with multiple sizes of strollers (or even more cumbersome, a “travel system,”) we bought a well-made, rather glorified umbrella stroller. We made sure it was a stroller that both of us could easily push (my husband and I are a foot apart in height), and that it was well-made with sturdy wheels. Two kids, almost four years, a bajillion airports, and who knows how many countries later, it’s still in use.

2. Shopping cart cover

I’m just not a germophobe. Never have been. My mother never covered the shopping cart seat before sitting me in, and I’m fine and healthy today. So I figured I didn’t really need to do that with my kids – and as of yet, both very rarely get ill. The over-sanitizing of our culture is another topic altogether, but I believe that, within reason, everyday items like shopping carts are perfectly safe for my kids.

After traveling in many countries, it also seems like these seem to be mostly a North American trend.

3. Baby wipe warmers

On the rare occasion I felt like I needed a slightly warmer wipe, I rubbed it in my hands for a few seconds. Voila – a much warmer wipe, without the extra cost or clutter.

4. Full-size highchair

We were given one for free with our second child, and I can honestly say that having a big highchair with its own tray is pretty much the same as having a portable highchair strapped to a regular chair pushed up to the dining table. Plus, they take up so much less room, and the baby can eat right next to the rest of the family.

4. Diaper pail

We had a Diaper Champ with our daughter, but with our son, we just have a standard trash can that you open with a foot lever. We keep it outside on our balcony, and I think this simple method has kept our home much less smelly than an indoor diaper pail.

We also now use cloth diapers, making a diaper pail even more useless. With cloth, we just use a simple wet bag.

5. Baby detergent

I know there are some special cases when certain babies have ultra-sensitive skin. But since day one, I’ve washed my babies’ clothing alongside the rest of the families’ with the same laundry soap – and we’ve had no issues.

Of course, we exclusively use Soapnuts now, making it even easier to ensure chemical-free clothing for the whole family.

6. Changing table

With our oldest, my husband made a nifty catch-all type piece of furniture with shelves and a dowel for hanging baby dresses (it didn’t hurt that he was a carpenter). We put a changing pad on top, and used that as our changing table.

With our son, we simply put a changing pad on top of his dresser. There’s no need to take up valuable square footage with a piece of furniture that does just one thing.

7. Glider

I’ve never been a fan of the aesthetics of a typical glider, but the main reason we didn’t get one is because of price. I know lots of people love their gliders. Nevertheless, the wooden rocking chair I inherited from my grandmother worked just as well with my daughter, and with my son, we just rock our body back and forth while we snuggle. Amazingly enough, he doesn’t seem to mind.

8. Baby lotion

I still have some from our almost five-year-old daughter. Babies have the softest, sweetest-smelling skin on their own, and I can’t think of any lotion that would enhance it.

To see some of my ideas of what is truly useful, check out my baby registry recommendations on Wishpot. And if you are expecting, I recommend making your registry there – you can include anything on the internet in your list. No longer do you have to stick to just one store.

What do you think on these items – were any of them a valuable help for you during the baby days? What would you add to the list? What would you take away?

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The Benefits of Raising Kids Cross-Culturally

Tsh — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 10:00:48 +0000

We leave for the United States in two days. We’ll be there for four months – enough to settle in and establish a few routines, but not long enough to really unpack, mentally and otherwise.

My kids are almost 4 and 9 months old. We’ve lived here for almost two years – this means that our oldest remembers very little about the U.S., and our baby has never even been there.

There are definitely plusses and minuses to raising children cross-culturally – the current terminology for children in this lifestyle is “third culture kids” – but overall, I think the benefits outweigh the negatives.

The Benefits of Raising Third-Culture Kids

1. An expanded awareness of the world. This depends on how long we live overseas, of course, but I love that my kids are exposed to all different nationalities and cultures. I love that their view of the world will be so much smaller – and bigger – than mine as a kid. When I was growing up, my world was pretty much how far I could ride my bike through the neighborhood. My 4-year-old has been to seven countries – so far. What a difference already.

2. Early bilingualism. Everyone has heard how much easier it is to learn a second language when you’re young. I can attest from first-hand witness that this is true. My daughter doesn’t know as much of the language as me yet, but she will. In the meantime, her accent is already flawless. And she’s not even trying. Studies have also shown that this increases brain stimulation in other areas as well.

3. A more creative education. There are a myriad of educational options, of course, and Americans are blessed to have a government that allows a lot of freedom in educational choices (at least compared to some countries). But I love that our children’s perspective of geography, world history, and literature will be so much broader at an earlier age than mine ever was.

Photo by woodley wonderworks

4. Increased self-confidence. This isn’t always the case, but if the setting is right and the parents are proactive in nurturing their children, third-culture kids have a strong self-esteem. They know first-hand about navigating airports, passport control, different laws of different countries, a variety of cultural settings, and the taste of different foods. They also understand what it’s like to be different than the majority – so if the positives of being true to themselves are nurtured, they’ll have a confidence that many adults still don’t yet have.

5. Increased Adaptability. I’m curious how my daughter will handle the fast-paced American culture. So far, she’s light years more patient than her parents when it comes to waiting on public transportation and living in an event-oriented culture (as opposed to a time-oriented one). I’ve heard that this will transfer over into other areas of life – in college, for instance, or perhaps in dealing with people different than themselves in the workplace. Our kids will much more easily go with the flow when it comes to ambiguity, long lines, and red tape.

These are just a few of the benefits. If you’re interested in learning more about this kind of life, I highly recommend the excellent book Third Culture Kids by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken.

Even if your family has no plans to live cross-culturally, chances are, your children will have friends hailing from other cultures. As the world grows smaller and smaller, it’s important to understand the challenges – and benefits – of living among those who have different customs and languages.

I know some of you live cross-culturally. What’s it like for your kids? What are the benefits? How about the challenges? Even if you don’t live cross-culturally, I’ll bet your kids have some experience interacting with other cultures.

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A Preschooler’s Allowance

Tsh — Fri, 16 May 2008 04:00:12 +0000

As I mentioned yesterday, we’ve started giving our three-year-old daughter an allowance in exchange for simple household chores.

Photo by Michele Catalano

I know that $2.45 weekly isn’t going to buy much more than M&Ms or a bouncy ball. But that’s not the point. The point is, we want our kids to start learning how to manage money early.

I’m a Dave Ramsey-ite, but this idea is not trademarked by him. The basic concept of giving, saving, and spending has been around for generations, and we want to keep it that way in our family. The sooner our children understand that our money is given to us by God, and that out of thankfulness, we give some of it back, the easier it will become a lifelong habit.

Saving money likewise requires discipline, and to practice the art of paying yourself first, even from the 17 nickels like we did last week, will reap benefits that far outweigh whatever could be bought with 1.7 coins.

So when we give our daughter her allowance (or commission, or whatever you want to call it), we count the stickers on her chore chart, and then count out the same amount of nickels. We then tell her how much goes into the giving jar, and how much goes into the saving jar. The rest goes into the spending jar.

Her spending money can go towards whatever she wants. That means that yes, if she’s in the grocery cart and she wants those gummy bears, she can buy them if she has enough money. But it comes out of her spending jar. (A side note: Of course we take care of her needs, and yes, we buy her gifts from time to time. Not a lot, but we aren’t expecting our three-year-old to fend for herself financially. That would be nice, though, wouldn’t it?)

We haven’t used this system long enough to really see the longer-term benefits, but friends of ours who use this method have nothing but good things to say.

There’s a guy in his mid-30s from our church back in the States who bought his family’s Suburban with 100% cash from his childhood allowance. We don’t really have those kind of expectations for her giving and spending goals, but again, the account balance is not the point. The point is cultivating a habit in preschool that’s hard for grown adults to do. Hopefully, her heart will follow.

Isn’t that a great gift to give your kids? It really is all about changing your family tree, one small thing at a time.

How do you work out money with your kids?

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Chores and Preschoolers – a question

Tsh — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 07:22:17 +0000

What do you think are appropriate chores for a 3-year-old? My daughter regularly “helps” me around the house with cooking and cleaning, but I think she’s getting to where she can actually be a help around the house. But what can I expect of her, ability-wise, and what’s just asking too much from a preschooler?

I’d love to hear if you have any ideas, or maybe what works well in your home. Also, do you use a chart system for them to keep track of their chores? Do you compensate for their work with rewards or allowance?

I know every child is different, both with their abilities and with their eagerness to be a help. But all ideas are welcome!

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Art by Jana Christy

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