Tsh
Lead Reader
Thinking Reader
Define what deposits look like in your family. What, specifically, are deposits that meet your children's and your spouse's needs?
flmochamom
Member
Reader
Obviously it varies from person to person, but my husband really appreciates me making his days go smoothly, he much rather not have to deal with household tasks (i.e. paying bills, plane reservations) , scheduling matters, or in general, dealing with issues that are not specifically related to "income-producing" activity, so I do what I can.
ds13 -- Wants to be shown appreciation of his skills and interests (i.e. spend time telling me how "cool" the latest tech gadget is, and me actually listening)
dd9 -- likes to be a nurturer, and because of that, I will allow her to be in charge of younger siblings/cousins
ds 7 -- needs time to ponder the world, so spends lots of time independently exploring.
ds 4 -- needs lots of snuggles
gifts2love
Member
Reader
My husband likes to come home to a happy house. He's an accountant and works crazy hours in the winter, so coming home to a house in chaos is very stressful. Of course, this isn't always possible to do for him, but I try. My 7yo needs to dump everything bad that happened to her in a day before she can get to the positives. Sometimes that is very hard to listen to and "hear," because I want to jump to what she can do about fixing it. But we are trying. My 2 yo loves to engage at mealtimes and loves to be asked about her day (and it's hilarious because she will make things up! already!).
cscott
Member
Thinking Reader
Husband - deposits for him are based on his love languages of touch and verbal affirmation. I try to scratch his back, hold his hand and meet other touch needs on a regular basis. I write him notes of appreciation and either send them to his office or leave them in strategic places at home. I also try to remember to tell him when I think he looks nice or notice that he's lost weight. Finally, I try to encourage him to take the time to do things that fill his tank, like playing golf occasionally or meeting with guy friends or having friends over for dinner.
Daughter #1 - having my undivided attention, reading books to her or playing on the floor with her
Daughter #2 - undivided attention, singing to her
SimpleBites
Member
Reader
Hubby is so easygoing and content that as long as his basic needs are met--dinner, snuggles...um, that's about it--he's a happy man.
Children are still young, 4 and 2, and simply getting down to play with them or burying ourselves in a stack of books is the deposit they want.
(Hmm, guess that makes me the needy one! :) )
Sidne
Member
Reader
Deposits for my husband are physical touch, plus verbal/written affirmation. I confess that I often fall short on these in the busyness of life (this is our second year homeschooling a first- and fourth-grader. I am still trying to get the house to stay clean!) So, right from the beginning, a reminder. Thank you.
My children are all different. My youngest, 3, needs lots of time and attention - he is still adjusting to the fact that I and the other kids have to "do school." So we snuggle and read books first thing in the morning, giving him his initial dose of mama time.
My daughter, 10, thrives when I look into her eyes and listen to her - no matter what she rambles on about! She needs to be recognized as growing up, and encouraged as to the things she can do (she's a bit of a perfectionist.)
Middle son, 6, mostly needs hands on from Dad - playing, wrestling, talking. From me, he needs hugs, encouragement and for me to be interested in what he is doing. Whatever it is.
It has helped me so much to zero in on what constitutes a "deposit" for each of us. I feel much more effective already!
ScrapMommy
Member
Reader
McHubby - deposits for him are me doing things that are specifically with him in mind. Like making him his favorite meal or breakfast in bed, or seeing something that I know he'd like and giving it to him. It's just being mindful of him, not the routine day to day stuff - although nice and he likes it, it's the little things I do for him that show I am thinking of him!
DS#1 - My Monkey is very technological. Just getting down on the floor and asking him to tell me about what he's reading, and genuinly be interested. Wrestling with him and snuggles and telling eachother jokes and although he can read, he still loves me read to him.
DS#2 - My Little Bean just loves undivided attention. Nothing in particular, just getting down on the floor with him and show interest in whatever it is he is interested in at the moment is what he needs.
Stacey
Member
Reader
I love this idea - considering the other person's perspective on what they need or want. Very similar to the love languages. For my husband, physical touch and positive affirmation fulfill him. My young daughter thrives with patience. When I find myself rushing her (to get out the door, finish a meal, etc.), she is easily depleted. For me, acts of kindness (e.g., chores, or anything that relieves me for more free time). It's so interesting how we are all different!
lainey_jane4
Member
Reader
For my husband he likes when he comes home to a clean house and help with special request. He also likes his head rubbed.
DD-positive comments. "Good job on your test", "Your hair looks cute today", "thanks for picking your clothes off the bathroom floor without being reminded" and so on. Also spending time in the kitchen with mommy making yummy treats :)
DS1- Spending quality time with. He loves when I plan little activities like making paper air planes. Also lots of hugs and kisses.
DS2-Snuggle time and play time.
whitneylean
Member
Reader
For my husband, I am working to help him with things he would normally do alone. He almost always gives our son a bath, so I now help him with bath time. When we go to bed at night, I thank him for at least two things he had done for me during the day.
I make sure to take time to dance with my one year old every day, play with him, and read him a book.
akobrien
Member
Reader
Observation: I believe I read one person wrote about their own deposits.....I think we should all include ourselves in the family.......dad, MOM, children!!!!
Dad: I plan to ask my husband this afternoon on our walk. I know that I could come up with an answer but you all have inspired me to ask him so that I can have a conscious list.
Mom: When Dad is home he will let me sleep in while taking care of the littleone and making breakfast. It is his gift to me and I LOVE it.
Littleone: At 16 months she just wants her parents and family to spend time with her and remind her that we are here for HER!!!
cranbran
Member
Reader
Wow! More than the book, this discussion is really inspiring me to think about what my husband and my two sons need for deposits. And me as well. I think that I'm depositing on a daily basis but not consciously. I really like how people listed their family's each individual need - I've never thought about it like that before but of course it makes so much sense.
kris10mary
Member
Reader
After reading this section, I was able to identify so many deposits that my husband makes for me and our daughter, and I could easily identify deposits that I make for our daughter as well. What was really lacking were the deposits that I make for my hubby... Oh no! I loved reading everyone else's ideas - I can't wait to bring more joy to my family by making more deposits!
organizedmama
Member
Thinking Reader
Deposits for my family are cooking my husbands fav foods, kind words, caring gestures. For my pre-schooler it's reading together, playing games, letting him help cook. For my toddler it's cuddles and hugs and playing together. Always complimenting each other. I think many times in our house, I don't get as many deposits as I give, and that can be frustrating.
TwinLove
Member
Reader
We have 2 young children ( 4 year old twins) and we try to define deposits to them as listening, respect, doing unto others.... individually, deposits for my husband include: physical touch, coming home to a pleasant wife, not complaints or a bad mood, and feeling taken care of by having a meal prepared for him (sometimes breakfast, sometimes dinner, we trade off...)
My daughter's deposits are time, play, listening to her tell stories at night, snuggling, reading with her.
My son: physical play, snuggling at night, reading together, listening to him.
Thanks for making me think of these things! They are so important!!
marycw
Member
Reader
Fantastic discussion!
DH: physical touch and coming home to a relatively clean, happy home; homemade treats always help too
DS: playing with him and talking with him
ME: gifts (inexpensive or free) that say I was thinking about you, when dh gives me alone time...ahhhhhh
irishgal99
Member
Reader
This is a really interesting question. I think if put more thought into this, I could really focus my daily schedule better. Here are my initial thoughts:
Deposits for my husband are coming home to a clean home and not nagging him when he has to work (he works a lot).
For my daughter, who is only 2, deposits are my time, free space to roam, music and books.
Great question!
runnergirl
Member
Reader
I have really enjoyed reading everyone's deposits. I guess I had never thought about it before, even when reading the book. I'm sure I give deposits to both my husband and my son. But I hadn't thought about how that really looks. Thanks, I think I am going to be back tonight and ask what deposits they really want.
JenT
Member
Thinking Reader
When I read the book, at this point I went "Right, good idea, I'll have to think about it!", then promptly moved on to other thoughts and never came back to them - this is why the book club is GREAT! Now I have to think about it!
My husband is great about doing stuff with the kids to give me a bit of alone time (whether I use it for me or for cleaning/cooking, is another issue!), which is what I crave most these days. I think deposits do change though, even though my main deposit is alone time, some days I actually need special family time.
Deposits for my DS (3) are definitely cuddly, reading time (funny thing, is that it often is for me too, I adore our reading time), undivided attention (that's a hard one, little sister is always in the road from his point of view!), patience for listening to his stories and having us (me and DH) take part in all of his imaginary games (I get to be James the Red Engine, he is Thomas, DD is Percy and DH is Henry!)
For DD, deposits are playing with her separately from her brother, especially drawing together, lots of wild chasing games and wrestling cuddles.
My DH is the hardest for me. I do lots of things for him,, but I don't know what he would consider deposits, or what it is he really appreciates from them and it what I think is important! How horrible is that! I guess that is a sign that I need to talk to him about this when he gets home. I think having meals prepared for him is a deposit though and I think he really appreciates that I iron his shirts (it's sort of an action of love). Listening to him and showing honest interest in his interests (even if I don't think they are all that interesting!) and cuddles. I think. Guess I better go talk to him about it!
mrssiegel
Member
Reader
For my husband I try and make sure everything is taken care of at home so that he can focus on work, which is very stressful right now. He knows that all of his needs are taken care of before he can even think about them, and I know that he really appreciates that. My daughter is two and just wants me to play with her all the time. And I need my husband to listen and talk to me at night when he is home. It is winter here in MI and we are cooped up and I need adult interaction. Also, just thinking to do little things when he gets the chance to lighten my load a little =)
I also thought this was such a neat concept. I love having a visual picture for the thoughtful things we do for others.
Katie
Member
Reader
SimpleBites, my husband sounds similar to yours. He is so laid back and is just content as long as we have time together at home as a family. Sometimes though, that makes it easy to forget to be intentional about pouring into him. This discussion is a great reminder to me. He loves physical affection, so I should make more of a point to rub his back, give a foot massage, etc. I think it's also important to ask follow-up questions about his day, rather than just listen to the general update and then move onto what I want to talk about.
For my son, QUALITY TIME!! I find he is considerably more content when we've spent genuine time together -- both Mommy time and Daddy time.
And JenT, I love my alone time as well! When my husband takes our son and gives me some alone time to read, sew or clean, I feel so much more...like myself!
Meredith
Member
Reader
My husband is an "acts of service" man - to use the 5 Love Languages description. I make deposits in his bank account when I pack his lunch, tidy the bedroom, cook a big, full breakfast--and spend the rest of the evening listening about his day.
My son's deposits come from quality time and affection. I've had to learn that a 7-year-old boy's affection translates into playful wrestling and tag, though.
Sometimes it's hard to fill everyone else up in their preferred way, especially when their deposits don't come easily/naturally to me.
Kamilles
Member
Reader
It's great to be able to reflect upon this, which I believe is that spring board for all that follows. How do I feel most loved or cherished?
For my husband, it's through acts of service (having dinner ready when he comes home, a clutter free home (doesn't happen a lot due to small kids)). I think above all else is him knowing I'm trying my hardest to serve our family. His strength is follow through and paying close attention to detail, but he doesn't always like doing it since he does that at work. So, for example, if there are those little errands or phone calls that need to get done and I do it--he is VERY grateful. I also try to make an effort to give him alone time. He is such a hard worker while at work, but he comes home to jump right into family life. And I know it's how he loves me and our girls that makes me want to give him time to do things he enjoys. I want a re-energized husband, father & friend. Another way I can fill his bank is through "mommy daddy time" & kisses & hugs.
My 3 year old daughter needs affirmation. Her personality is such that she will do what her younger sister was just asked not to do, in order to get feedback (even if it's negative). She needs to hear how we delight in her. She also loves to help out, so including her in on the process. She also needs one on one time and a special story or recap of our day. She also needs to have adequate transition time and for me to stay calm, in order for her to know how to stay calm in the midst of her raging emotions.
My one year old's day isn't complete until she has adequate hugs & kisses. Her emotional & mental piggy bank needs to be full of physical touch. She loves giving and getting kisses, hugs, snuggles, and quality time. Both our girls need tickle time/wrestling time with both mama & daddy as well.
It's interesting to me to see our girls and their needs at this young age and how vitally important it is to fill these banks on a constant basis, so they are feeling loved, assured, and confident when they enter their teen years. I can think of so many young ladies who didn't get this (especially from their daddy) and would seek out other means to get it.
I am the same as my oldest daughter in affirmation. I need to know that my hard work is appreciated, but more importantly, that I'm valued as a person despite my work. And I think this rings true for my oldest daughter (or anyone) that it is equally important to affirm the person everyday despite the person's behavior.
Jeannie
Member
Thinking Reader
My husband's love language is definitely touch, so hugs, kisses, snuggles, and obviously sex, are always welcome to him. I tend to throw in words of affirmation too because I just can't help it. My friends tease me because I'm always talking about how fabulous he is, but that's because he really is the best man I have ever met--kind, patient, intelligent, funny, handsome. And he is the best daddy ever.
He also enjoys my cooking and appreciates getting to play basketball with friends at least once a week.
Our munchkin is 3, so deposits for her usually mean answering a gazillion questions, including her in conversations, reading with and to her, and letting her try new things. Lately it also means NOT doing things for her because she blows us away with what she's actually capable of, but she'll let us be her personal slaves if we're willing...
And I need time. Time with them, time for myself, time to plan for the week ahead, time to read, time to sleep, time to run. I'm all about time.
Emile
Member
Reader
Hmm, this is a hard one for me to think about right now because I feel so over-drawn lately myself. I'm still trying to figure out how to give myself some deposits while struggling to care for my husband and two young children.
For my husband, deposits are compliments, showing appreciation for his work and efforts at home, as well as feeding him well (something I've had a hard time with lately) and physical closeness is a big one too. Not nagging him, being positive and trying to have a relatively peaceful home when he gets back from work.
For my 2.5 yr old daughter, it's playing with her, reading together, going outside, letting her help with cooking, and acknowledging her as a big girl while still cuddling her often like a baby.
For my 11 month old son, it's reading to him and playing with him, wrestling him a bit and taking him outside plus tons of holding and nursing throughout the day & night.
As for what my deposits would be, if I could get them for myself - I'm starting to feel like I don't know anymore. But, rest would be nice - like a full night's sleep, some good food not cooked by me, and time to pursue a few interests like books I've been wanting to read, learning to sew, starting a garden, etc.
Summerm
Member
Reader
For the man it's definitely physical affection, as well as coming home to order and calm.
The kids are still young. Just getting down on the floor for play time, one on one time, and cuddles are all they need.
For me, I need calm and peace. If I can get an hour of silence I'm so happy.
MB Squared
Member
Thinking Reader
For my husband, it is easy, phyiscal affection and a home cooked meal.
For my girls, it is playing with them and holding them, and stopping worrying about the laundry or the cleaning of the house. I can do that later.
akobrien
Member
Reader
I see a theme.....
Men like physical affection
Women like quiet time
MommaT
Member
Reader
Deposits are becoming mutual in our home. My sons (14 yrs. on Sunday and 12 yrs.) are beginning to learn that deposits are important for all family members to make, since everyone needs so much support daily.
For my older son: I actively listen to the stories at least 95%of the time, even when they are so over the top/boy/adolescent stuff, and I try to leave the lectures to 5% of the time.
For my younger son: I give him a home that allows him to enjoy his strengths and allows him to conquer or live with his areas for improvement.
For me: My older son just started recently surprising me with cups of hot tea on the coffee table when I get home.
My younger son listens when I am having an adult tizzy and laughingly says " It's okay little T."
Giving support and time to family is a talk my older son and I had earlier tonight. So many smaller deposits fit under that.
dawdler101
Member
Thinking Reader
My husband requires plenty of "love and affection" deposits.
I require plenty of "help me out" deposits.
My step-daughter requires "let me play with friends" deposits. (8)
My son requires loads of "play with me" deposits. (2)
But, I should confirm this with each of them. My son might say, "I need hot chocolate."
We should make a deposits board to keep record of this...I'm sure it changes day to day. I guess that's where that weekly meeting comes in handy. I liked that idea.