avatar by on February 17, 2012   •   61 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Why I argue in front of my kids (sometimes)

Written by fatherhood contributor Shaun Groves.

In my nineteen years at home with mom and dad I never saw them argue. If my parents fought at all it must have happened behind closed doors.

So when Becky and I had our first fight, while we were still dating, I said and did whatever would make it stop. I said I was wrong but I didn’t believe that was true. I thought if we fought she wouldn’t love me. I thought peace was a lack of conflict, not the hard won result of real resolution.

Over the years, Becky taught me how to make genuine peace. She assured me that mistakes will be made, disagreements will happen. That friction is inevitable but not fatal. That love outlasts. That she would never abandon or punish me. And, in the safety of her affirmations, in the ring of our shared commitment, she’s fought with me for the last nineteen years.

I’m quite good at it now. And I want my kids to be too.

I don’t want them to be passive aggressive. To lock themselves in the bathroom and refuse to come out. To withhold affection or conversation until they get their way. To scream or threaten, call names, roll eyes, sling sarcasm, storm out, cave in, endure abuse or strike back.

I want my kids to become adults who fight well.

[Read more...]

avatar by on February 1, 2012   •   62 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Words will never hurt me?!

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

I‘m embarrassed to admit it, and its truth pains me, but I’m almost certain the people to whom I’ve spoken most hatefully are my own children and husband.  I’ve wondered if I’m the only one who does this.

Why do the people I love most receive the worst treatment I have to offer?  Thankfully, mean or impatient words are the exception, but with my upcoming extended separation from my children, I’m acutely aware of my propensity to speak in a less than loving manner; ironic, because I have such thin skin myself.

Two recent occurrences with my teen boys drove this point home–

• After my oldest son cleaned his room, I opened his closet door; it was no surprise his version of clean didn’t match mine.  Irritated, I began organizing and cleaning out the war zone, only to be discovered by him mid-way through.  He braced for mama wrath, instead caught off guard by my calm (not typical) response.  Before all was said and done, we were finishing the work together–happily.  I hadn’t even asked him to join me.

• My husband gave our youngest a jar of pennies he’s been saving for years, along with a stack of coin wrappers.  Sitting at the kitchen table while I was making my way through a mile-long To-Do List, my son struggled to wrap the pennies without them collapsing; it was the first time he’s rolled coins.  My initial response was frustration–why was he having difficulty with such a simple task?!  “I knew how to roll coins since I was in grade school!” I thought, but thankfully stopped before those words made their way across my lips.  Instead, I stopped what I was doing, sat beside him and showed him the best way to roll coins. I watched his frustration melt into understanding.

When children reach their teens, it’s easy to think they’re unaffected by harsh words. Don’t be deceived—your words and tone can wound them deeply.  Consider the following:

[Read more...]

avatar by on December 28, 2011   •   100 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Everyday ways to foster independence in kids

I feel that one of my main parenting jobs is to help my kids leave the nest knowing to look both ways before crossing the street, how to boil water, and that it’s a good thing to pay bills on time.

How to be a grown-up, in other words.

By the time my kids are young adults, my prayer is that they’ll understand the basics behind living in the real world, so that they can establish their own households responsibly and contribute positively to the world around them.

Baby steps. It’s got to be baby steps, because as I write this, only one of my children knows how to get their own pajamas on, and one of them still can’t leave my side for more than a few hours at a time before he needs milk again.

I’ve got a long time before my nest is empty. But baby steps are required for fostering independence in my kids, and it’s the little, daily things that add up to creating a young adult who isn’t scared of the world around her.

Here are some basic things we do to help foster independence in our little kids.

[Read more...]

avatar by on December 14, 2011   •   81 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

When parenting means steering into the skid

I closed the door to our bedroom, tip-toed to the far side of the bed and sat down quietly on the floor. From the living room, I could hear my four-year-old daughter screeching at me to come help her with her computer game.

Here I was, the parent who so attentively responded to her cries when she was an infant, the mother who gently led her through the wilds of toddlerhood, the person who has written more than once on positive, proactive parenting—literally hiding from my preschooler and her constant crankiness.

It was not my finest moment.
[Read more...]

avatar by on November 2, 2011   •   36 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

What’s your definition of successful parenting?

Mary Jane was the first person I ever hired, and I vividly recall her response to my question about her greatest accomplishment:

“Raising my two sons to be responsible adults, both out of college with meaningful careers, considerate of and generous to others, and one now married and expecting his first baby.”

It wasn’t the rehearsed answer I anticipated, and it set her apart from the other less mature applicants. Like two strangers at a wedding, it was an exchange that began constructing a framework for my parenting philosophy when my babies were merely eye twinkles:

I now knew my end game.

You don’t raise your little children to become bigger children, you raise them to become adults. I’d wager the majority of parents agree with that sentiment, but realizing it early on and allowing it to inform how you parent is key.

There’s a constant parenting push and pull—eagerly anticipating and celebrating markers and milestones, while resisting time’s swift flight.

Focusing on the bulls eye makes a difference in hitting the target.
[Read more...]