Simple Mom» relationships

In the sunshine of life

Tsh — Tue, 08 May 2012 18:19:41 +0000

This past weekend, I savored uninterrupted conversations with dear friends and shared life in the most delightful of ways. Together, five friends and I chatted with someone we greatly admire, snapped myriad photos of picture-perfect, centuries-old houses and storefronts in Colonial Williamsburg, and ate sliced fruit out of bowls made from the orange rind. You know, just like how we all serve our children each morning.

I enjoyed my first trip to rural Virginia and drove to my friends’ country house at 3 a.m. after a long, delayed flight starting in Oregon. If you’ve never driven a rental car in pitch black (save for the lightning storm where God was just showing off), down forest and swamp-hugging roads, and onto a field of grass where you’re pretty sure you’re going to drive straight off a cliff, then you’ve never lived.

The Parks weren’t kidding when they said they lived out in the country. And it was delightful, right down to the screened porch. And also, I’ve never slept on such a comfortable sofa bed. Impressive, Charlie and Sarah.

All photos by the talented Heidi Scovel

This entire trip was all about meeting Susan Wise Bauer, touring Peace Hill Press and the delightful people who work there, and sharing stories, questions, and laughter over ourselves as parents, educators, and women. And it couldn’t have been more perfect.

Starting next Monday, I’ll share more about my time. For today, though, I want to encourage you as I encourage myself—to be thankful for the many, many people in my life who make it sweeter. Friends—honest, real, imperfect friends—are one of the purest gifts on earth. I count myself blessed.

“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” -Thomas Jefferson

How has friendship blessed you lately?

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In the sunshine of life is a post from Simple Mom

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Want a great marriage? Don’t compromise.

Corey — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:01:57 +0000

Written by relationships columnist Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

Here’s one of the biggest pieces of relationship advice presented in books and websites: To have a great marriage you must learn how to compromise.

So that we’re all on the same page, the dictionary defines compromise as: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Sounds great … on paper. But when you get right down to it, in most every marriages, people don’t compromise, they cave.

If you’re working to create a great story in your life and marriage, then central to that goal is resisting the temptation to compromise on things that are most important. Things like your values and your identity.

Put another way—if you’re working towards creating a great life and marriage, should you lower your standards to accomplish it?

And put yet another way, a great life and marriage are the result of a person living from the best in themselves and by defending what’s true and right. This is never about compromise. So if you’re better off not compromising yourself to yourself, you certainly aren’t better off compromising with your spouse.

After all, isn’t your spouse the one person with whom you’re supposed to share what’s true and right? And how can doing what’s truly best for you personally also not be what’s truly best for your marriage?

In case you haven’t figured out, I don’t believe in compromise.

I define compromise as each party going away equally unhappy.

The reason is simple. Most people give in to others as a way to manage their own anxiety and their discomfort with conflict. Or, they give in hoping it will make their spouse happy. The problem is that they’ve just done damage to themselves and the relationship.

Any time either partner walks away from a compromise even a little bit unhappy, they’ve done damage to the relationship.

Why? This sets the stage for unspoken, but expected, reciprocity.

I’m betting you’ve had these same types of thoughts: “I gave in and we went to visit your parents even though I didn’t want to, so I’m expecting some sex to make up for it.” Or, “You played golf on Saturday, so you need to make up for it by helping out more around the house.”

In the classic exchange-based type of relationship, where giving is expected to be returned in kind, you fall victim to keeping score—and no relationship will ever be “fair” or equal with score-keeping.

Instead, the lack of reciprocation creates frustration and disappointment, and these little bricks of disappointment will build up over time and become a wall of resentment.

Photo by visualpanic

Look at it this way: compromising means doing something other than what you know is best. In essence, compromising means not being who you are.

Here’s an example:

When my wife and I are discussing a particular subject, my stance on the subject is either right or wrong.

If I’m right, or at least think I’m right, then my job is to (politely, carefully, kindly—which is everything) state my beliefs and thoughts; it’s important that I not compromise my convictions about the matter.

My wife’s job is to listen and carefully consider what I’ve said. If, having done that, she concludes that in some relevant way the position I’ve taken is wrong or mistaken, she is to (politely, carefully, kindly) tell me what she thinks. Then I am to truly listen to her (as opposed to, say, pouting and walking out of the room or personally attacking her).

Through this back-and-forth process, an elegant, mutually-satisfactory solution arises. And nowhere in this give-and-take was there any compromise.

Instead, what happened (if it was a good discussion) was a time of discovery, consideration, alteration, reassessment, conviction, respect, love, and appreciation.

If I started off wrong, but the discussion now helps me see that I’m wrong, changing my mind to do or think what’s right isn’t a compromise, it’s growing up. It’s the development of wisdom. It’s grace.

Too often, compromising means cheapening yourself; to purposefully weaken your own grip on what you know to be right. And any spouse who would ask you to do that to yourself—and to what you know is best—isn’t working for what’s best for the two of you.

So, the next time you’re tempted to compromise in your marriage, ask yourself this: “Am I acting with love and integrity from the best in me, or merely caving to keep the peace?”

Your turn. Do you think compromise is a good thing?

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Taking a risk by hosting an Easter dinner party

Sandy — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 04:01:30 +0000

Written by contributor Sandy Coughlin of Reluctant Entertainer.

It’s Eleanor Roosevelt who said that she tried to do something risky every day. Maybe something new, uncomfortable, or different.

Maybe that something “new” is hosting your first Easter dinner in your home this year, and you’re scared to death. I was fortunate because while I was growing up, my mother taught me a lot about entertaining—but I realize that many people didn’t have this sort of role model.

We can be so focused and locked into our busy schedules and routines that we skip one of the most important gifts that we can give ourselves and our children. That gift is practicing and showing our children what hospitality looks like.

Signs of genuine hospitality

• We make others feel warm and welcome in our homes. The ability to love people where they are at and to be interested in their lives.
To provide good food and conversation for others.

• We put our imperfections aside. It’s okay to have mix-matched goblets, or slightly burned rolls, or an imperfect house. Showing our children how to improvise is a gift in itself.

• We don’t compare ourselves with others. Remember why you are having people over, don’t think about what others have and what you don’t have. Keep your mind on things that really matter and let go of the “magazine-perfect” image.

• We focus on the small ways we can make a difference in the lives of others. It’s not always about us.

• We love our families first. Let your family see that, yes, it takes work to bring it all together (it might be a little tense, especially the hour before the guests arrive), but that entertaining can be a family affair and we can love each other during the process. Show that when the door is opened, the smiles on our faces are real and not forced.

Many people don’t want to spend the money or put up with the fuss of entertaining

I get that. It’s true, it takes thought, effort, sometimes hard work, and money to host others. But don’t forget about the reason for having people over. I’ve often told my kids that we’re hosting others so we can get to know them better. We’re putting ourselves aside—our pocketbooks and our time—and we’re investing in their lives.

I believe if we focus on an attitude of giving, without thinking of what we’ll get in return, we’ll change our minds and hearts toward others. Hospitality truly is a matter of the heart.

My plan

I’m hosting this year. The date is easy (Easter). I’m currently putting the menu together and delegating several dishes, which will save me money and time. I’m counting “heads” and coming up with a plan for where our guests will sit.

I’m also giving myself a pep talk so that I will not overcomplicate the day. I will make it as enjoyable as possible for my family (our family always see us at our worst, don’t they?) and will not save things for the last minute, thus making everyone miserable.

I will focus on the reason for our celebration (I love Easter!), and on that day, I’ll hopefully just sit back and enjoy our family and friends. (Especially my immediate family, as they are growing up so quickly—soon they’ll all be out of the house, and then entertaining will take on a different flavor.)

So, with Easter right around the corner—or maybe for another upcoming entertaining opportunity—ask for help if you’re uncomfortable. There are lots of entertaining tips on my blog, written for people reluctant to entertain (such as learning how to push past your fears).

Maybe you can find a friend who will entertain with you. Hosting together can be a really fun way to have a party, especially if it’s with a seasoned hostess you can learn from.

“Risk something every day.” Thank you, Eleanor!

Are you inviting others over for Easter?

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Just jump in

Tsh — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 05:01:29 +0000

One of the hardest things about the culture where I lived in the Middle East was the definition of cleanliness. See, no matter how clean I thought our home was (not that it was ever spotless, with two preschoolers underfoot), it paled in comparison to my average neighbor.

See, my local friends—when they cleaned, they cleaned. There was hardly a time I saw a dust bunny in their homes—and to boot, it was an honor if you dropped by unannounced. Swinging by to say hello usually turned into a two-hour tea, complete with pastries and undivided attention.

And if you’re doing the math, then yep, giving me honor was to swing by my place, unannounced. Where I lived with little people. In a culture that values cleanliness.

Needless to say, it made me nervous.

But you know what I learned? Rarely was there a time that I wasn’t loved because our house wasn’t clean enough. Even if my home was a disaster compared to their pristine dwellings, local friends never said a word. They just smiled. And loved. And usually laughed at my language blunders.

I’ve taken this to heart and carried it with me as we’ve traveled to myriad homes. It’s not easy, mind you, but slowly, slowly, I’m chipping away at my perfectionism, and learning to not wait to invite friends over for dinner because my home isn’t perfectly organized. Or dusted. Or less sticky. Or bigger.

Community and hospitality are about relationships.

It’s not about impressing one another. It’s not about one-upping each other, sizing each other, or wringing your hands with worry about what the other person thinks.

It’s about being yourself and seeing what happens. As I’ve set up home over the past decade, I’ve come to just jump right in and meet new people. I can’t wait for the long-time resident to realize I don’t know anybody—it’s me that needs to say hi. And I’ve learned to be okay with that.

But even though I’ve lived in three drastically distant dots on the globe since Simple Mom started four years ago, one thing that’s stayed pretty constant is my online community. I’ve been beyond blessed to make some of my closest friends through the Internet, and I’m forever grateful.

This little spot in the blogosphere has readers as different as vegans and chickens. Moms of littles, moms of college students. Dads. Married, no kids; singles. Christians, Muslims, those who just don’t know, and everything in between. Vegans, probably. Guessing no on the chickens.

We all read, and share, and encourage. We’re all blessed by the Internet.

One of the other sites I write for, (in)courage, has something very cool up its sleeve. It’s called (in)RL, and it stands for In Real Life—basically, it’s an amazing way to meet other women locally, in your community.

Sign up for a local meet-up, and on April 27, you’ll watch a webcast in your jammies from the comfort of your own couch. Then the next day, April 28, you’ll gather at a local (in)RL community—or if there’s not one in your area, you can start one in your home, your favorite coffee shop, or wherever. You’ll watch live online content, chat with the women around you, and have a ball making new friends.

Basically, it’s a conference without buying plane tickets. It’s only $10, which covers the cost of a t-shirt and a pack of greeting cards as a gift to you (this isn’t a money-making venture, in other words).

How cool is this idea?

Watch this video below to learn more.

Yesterday, Amber shared her thoughts about the necessity of girlfriends. Tomorrow, head to Sarah to read her words.

What’s something you’ve learned about the power of community in your life?

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Why I argue in front of my kids (sometimes)

Shaun — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 05:01:41 +0000

Written by fatherhood contributor Shaun Groves.

In my nineteen years at home with mom and dad I never saw them argue. If my parents fought at all it must have happened behind closed doors.

So when Becky and I had our first fight, while we were still dating, I said and did whatever would make it stop. I said I was wrong but I didn’t believe that was true. I thought if we fought she wouldn’t love me. I thought peace was a lack of conflict, not the hard won result of real resolution.

Over the years, Becky taught me how to make genuine peace. She assured me that mistakes will be made, disagreements will happen. That friction is inevitable but not fatal. That love outlasts. That she would never abandon or punish me. And, in the safety of her affirmations, in the ring of our shared commitment, she’s fought with me for the last nineteen years.

I’m quite good at it now. And I want my kids to be too.

I don’t want them to be passive aggressive. To lock themselves in the bathroom and refuse to come out. To withhold affection or conversation until they get their way. To scream or threaten, call names, roll eyes, sling sarcasm, storm out, cave in, endure abuse or strike back.

I want my kids to become adults who fight well.

I want them to be peace makers. Makers. People who roll up their sleeves lower their voices and do the hard work of reconciliation.

So, sometimes, when it’s appropriate, when I trust myself to handle the responsibility, I argue with my wife in front of our kids. And with the insurance adjuster who went back on his word. And with the waitress who charged me for one too many kids meals.

I stay calm.

I stop everything else I’m doing, make eye contact and…

I listen.

I don’t roll my eyes. Or sigh. Or make light. Or walk away.

I tell my wife what I hear her saying and ask her if I’m understanding correctly.

I admit when I’ve made a mistake and say “I’m sorry.” And mean it.

If there’s something I can do to make things better, I offer.

We often find a third way that’s neither hers nor mine.

Sometimes I disagree. Sometimes I feel wronged or misunderstood or hurt and I say so. Sometimes it takes a while to make peace.

Always, it happens though. Eventually. Always forgiveness is given and spoken, along with “thank you” and “I love you.”

Afterward, we don’t sulk in silence for the rest of the day. I don’t sleep on the couch that night. We move on.

The kids watch us, listening, learning.

My nine year-old had a friend over the other day. They were playing when the friend started yelling at my son. I began to rush in to make sure no punches were being thrown but stopped in the hallway outside his room when I heard him saying, “I don’t understand why you’re yelling; can you explain it to me?”

Well fought, son.

I’m not perfect. Some days I’m too tired to argue well so my spine goes mushy and I broker a counterfeit peace with my silence. Other times I’m too impatient for the process so I raise my voice and try to bully to get my way. But I married a dedicated teacher. I’m learning. And on good days, when I feel I’m up to it, I fight in front of my kids so they can learn too.

What one thing could you teach the rest of us about fighting well?

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Beware of these marriage killers

Corey — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:15:18 +0000

Written by relationships columnist Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

Communication is a factor in every relationship. In fact, it’s so important that in a committed relationship you cannot not communicate. Everything you do, or don’t do, communicates.

When you believe this, your goal shifts—you want to handle the messages from others and clearly say what you mean.

Even so, there are some things when it comes to communication that are just killers in marriage … enter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

When you understand that there are four seasons in every year, that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to try and change the season. It’s not possible to change the season—and it’s also not possible to change your spouse—or anyone else you know and love.

It’s only possible to change yourself. Is it possible you might need to change the way you communicate in your marriage?

Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified communication styles that predict the end of a marriage, which he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

(Actually, Dr. Gottman has observed four destructive styles of communicating and coping that accurately predict the long-term failure of a marriage: harsh startup, flooding, body language, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)

While harsh startup, flooding, and body language are destructive, the four horsemen provide the deadliest blow to marriage.

These four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—with contempt being the most lethal.

If you want a better marriage in 2012, you’ll need to get rid of these—with contempt to go first.

1. Contempt.

Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse—verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic, and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage.

If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relationship, think about counseling to help you take a different shape.

2. Criticism.

Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt.

Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and on worth, and they target the shortcomings of the other person.

Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs (and a good thing). Use this as a guide—an effective complaint is one that:

• Starts softly, with a request for help—I need your help.
• Observes an action or behavior—When there are stacks of mail on the kitchen table and counters…
• States the impact of that action or behavior—I react badly to the clutter.
• Defines the desired change in behavior—I’d like to keep the kitchen table and counters clear.
• Asks for input as to how to achieve the outcome—What are you willing to do to help have a less cluttered kitchen and a calmer me?

Side note: These first two horsemen have often grown up with childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling, or excessive demands.

3. Defensiveness.

This is a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously; it’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If you are ignoring complaints or failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms… which naturally lead to defense.

Remember this mantra: Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t withdraw. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.

4. Stonewalling.

When you stonewall, you avoid the hard work of growing up, either because you’re unaware of your own feelings or because you’re afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with an issue or with your spouse, you check out—you tune out, turn away, and engage in busyness or obsessive behaviors.

Put another way—you simply stop relating to the most important person in your life.

Dr. Gottman’s research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages—happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. How conflict is handled is what makes the difference between a disaster or master marriage.

Most couples wait for six years after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek counseling. Yep, SIX YEARS! Evidence continues to mount that both individual and family therapy save money by cutting health expenditures, reducing employee absenteeism, and boosting productivity.

Start where you are in your relationship. Use the tools you have—blogs, books, therapists, coaches, online classes like Blow Up My Marriage.

Do what you can to take responsibility for your part by becoming the best YOU you can be. Once you’re on the path to being the YOU, you’re well on your way to being in the best marriage.

What helps you keep communication a priority in your relationships?

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Opening our homes means risk

Sandy — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:35:56 +0000

Written by Sandy Coughlin of Reluctant Entertainer.

Warmer connections come when we’re willing to take a chance.

If you’ve been following my 31 Days of Warm Connections series, I’m sharing today about friendships. I have friendships that go back almost 50 years—some 40, 30, 20, 10, as well as more recent friends. I’ve always told my daughter that friends are like a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The more you have, the more stunning the bouquet.

Last month, two of my newer friends came to my house on a Friday morning. All week long, I thought about my commitments, my list of chores, the last part of the garden that needed harvesting, canning, blogging … you name it. The list in my mind became overwhelming, and I tried to talk myself out of the invitation I had already made.

I wrote about our fast-paced world, how we naturally get into routines and rhythms with our families and schedules, and how busyness sets in. Even though we naturally long to spend time with family and friends, and we all need encouragement, we often lose sight of what’s important.

Busyness. A demanding schedule is the biggest hindrance to getting together with those we love.

Disinterest. Sometimes, sadly, we’re just not interested in others.

Disappointment. We stop connecting when we’re hurt or others don’t reciprocate.

Neglect. We forget that relationships are eternal, the most important thing in our lives.

And then there’s our homes.

My house. Do I really want to clean and get ready for these two new lady friends that have “moved” into my life? Won’t they be looking at my house?

Oh, the risk that’s involved in opening our homes. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with these blood-sucking, joy-stealing thoughts:

Is it clean enough?

Will they see the piles in the corner?

Just look at the kitchen cabinets that are streaked with tomato juice from canning.

Will they notice the dust bunnies on the floor?

Do I really have to serve food?

Will they judge me if I buy store-bought food?

Look at my dirty windows.

I haven’t dusted in two weeks.

My bathroom is so outdated.

Can I settle my mind and learn more about my friends?

What will we talk about?

Will they like me?

What will they think of me? Me, me, me.

I think about my insecurities, and I clearly see why inviting others into our homes is so risky.

We’re so worried about ourselves, and what others think, that it absolutely ruins us.

Most of the time, people aren’t even thinking about us, they’re thinking of themselves and their own insecurities. Moments of joy, encouragement, inspiration, authenticity, even tears and bearing of our souls to one another are taken away when we say “No.”

So this time I pushed past my fears and I said yes.

Fiona and Jenny came over after taking their kids to school on a Friday morning. I have teenagers; they each school-aged children and Fiona a baby. We talked about life, friendships, the loneliness of moving into a new town, the church community, how to get involved, people who are hospitable, people who are not (in general, no names). It’s good to have close-knit friends to share life. We’re made for needing each other, for connection and for helping one another, for accountability, and for love.

When Fiona asked what she could bring, I thought, why not? I’ll let her bring the morning goodies. Why do I have to do it all? I’ll provide the coffee or ice water. I’ll find a flower in my yard for a vase. I’ll tidy up the area where the three of us can sit and talk for an hour. I’ll listen and engage and ask questions about their lives because I care.

I’ll look into their eyes and feel their pain, and we’ll rejoice in our blessings.

I’m never disappointed when we invite people into our home. The best gifts in life are our relationships, the blessings of eating and drinking together, listening, and feeling.

When’s the last time you said “Yes” and invited others into your home, even for just a short visit? How did you feel when your guests left?

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Unlikely Friendships

Tsh — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:01:54 +0000

Today I’m over at (in)courage, talking about community and friendships—specifically, those found online. We need people, and while “real life” friends are essential, friends online can be surprisingly meaningful, too. From the post:

“Community online doesn’t replace community in ‘real’ life. But it can enrich your life, both in breadth and in depth. While you love on your kids at home, a few clicks of the mouse can bring you encouragement from another mom, across the world, right in the trenches with you, too. And sometimes, the Internet also introduces you to friends—real friends, friends you’d otherwise never meet.”

Head here to read the rest of the post.

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How to make friends

Tsh — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:01:55 +0000

I jumped into life here when we moved to Oregon two months ago. No stranger to moving, I knew the drill of setting up a new home: bring toilet paper and trash bags, because you won’t find them when you’ve got nothing but packed boxes. Let the kids draw on said boxes as a way to pass time until their toys reveal themselves. Go easy on the menu plan for the first month, because you won’t yet know the right grocery store or the best place to store your spices.

And also, jump into community as quickly as possible.

That last one is true for me, anyway. As an extroverted introvert, I need people almost as much as I need alone time. People are what make a place feel real to me, more like home. When I reminisce over my former residences, it’s the people that first delight my consciousness, not the restaurants. So I know it’s true for any of my new locales as well: I need to find my peeps.

There’s something beautiful and reassuring and restful about friends who know you well. They’ve been there for years, or they just get a side of you more than the usual crowd. Perhaps you have a shared history, or maybe you relish in the same passion.

I’m finding new friends in Bend, and I’ve delighted in the friendly atmosphere found in small-town culture. I sip that coffee as I eagerly hear the heart of a new friend across the table. But all the more, new environments pull me into inward thankfulness for those tried-and-true relationships.

I’m not saying it’s the easiest thing in the world for me to make friends. But it’s worth it for me to trudge through my insecurities, fears, and awkwardness to do it.

This past weekend I was in Hilton Head with fellow (in)courage writers. Normally scattered from Seattle to Florida, we gathered in a beach house to dream, pray, walk, and laugh. Mostly laugh. And tweet each other from two feet away.

I already knew most of these girls. These are women with whom I’ve journeyed across the world, who’ve sat in a bar next to me and made fun of my tiny purse, and in whose lap I sat as we careened down a mountain.

They’ve also share their stories—deeply personal stories—over late-night Skype chats, and they’ve sent exactly the right email at exactly the right time. They get my business side, they get my writerly side, and they get the weirdness of what it is I do.

In short… these women are my tribe. And I’m so blessed to have them.

Created for fellowship

We are made for relationships, of all sorts I believe. We need people similar to us, different than us, from different cultures and life stages and ages. We crave just one person to get us, the real us, and who’ll take our late-night calls.

And yet many of us settle for the convenient or the absent. We may look for awhile, but we give up when it’s not easy. We chalk it up to a challenging stage in life (little ones in the house), an environment that’s not exactly what we’d prefer (this church isn’t as perfect as I’d like), or simply a difference in personality (I don’t really jive with anyone I know).

Our lives are fuller and sweeter when there are kindred spirits to walk alongside. We find meaning and purpose when we have people to serve. God speaks to us in many ways, but in my life, He often likes to use people—we miss out on a unique perspective from Him if we don’t let others in our life.

This looks different for all of us, of course. Some of us would be overwhelmed with more than one comrade in our life, while others may need a veritable entourage. But I’d hate for any of us to miss out on true companionship because we didn’t look for it.

Here are ways I’ve found my life’s dearest friends:

1. Be a friend.

Know that corny phrase, “The best way to find a friend is to be a friend”? It’s actually kinda true. Practice the lovely art of listening, serving, and caring—not to get something back, but just because. These acts alone will fill your cup.

2. Open up.

Take a chance and share your heart. As you know someone longer, share with them deeper. Don’t hold on to needless fear when it would mean missing out on soul care from a friend.

3. Be open to new things.

Drive yourself to that book club, as difficult it might be. Call a new neighbor over for coffee, even though you’d wish someone would invite you for a change. Register for that conference and see what happens. Create that playgroup so that you can find the adult conversation you crave.

I’ve made the most surprising friends in the most unexpected places, all because I dared to do something new.

4. Take care of yourself.

Don’t expect your friends to solve your problems, never fail you, or be God. Practice the fine art of taking care of yourself, so that you are able to be a thriving, functioning adult. Let your friends care for you when it’s needed, but don’t ask more from a fellow human when they’re just not made to give it.

I’d love to hear from you: Where have you found a friend in an unexpected place? How do you like to meet new people? Or what do you do to combat loneliness?

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Understanding Your Personality: Balancing Tasks and People

Mandi — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 04:01:14 +0000

Written by organizing contributor Mandi Ehman of Life… Your Way.

While personality tests and reading about personality types have been regarded by some as self-indulgent navel gazing, there is real value that comes from identifying your natural tendencies. Every personality has strengths and weaknesses, and understanding what yours are allows you take advantage of the strengths and create a plan to overcome the weaknesses.

The most popular personality test is the Myers-Briggs typology, but I’ve always been fascinated by the task-oriented versus people-oriented personality spectrum. Perhaps it’s because I am so strongly task-oriented, and I appreciate having a name for the focus I tend to place on my to-do list and getting things done.

As with all personality types, there is no right or wrong here. We need a balance of both personalities within society. People-oriented personalities build relationships and community, while task-oriented personalities get things done, and both are important.

Just like we need a balance of both to make the world go round, we also need to find a balance of both within our homes.

If you’re like me, your natural bent toward one end of the spectrum or the other may be so strong that you know without a doubt which personality type you are. If you’re somewhere toward the middle, you may have to spend more time thinking it through. But either way, it’s important to capitalize on the strengths of your personality while being aware of the weaknesses so that you can look for ways to improve.

Defining Your Personality Type

First, let’s look at the characteristics of both personality types to help you identify which describes you.

Task-oriented personalities tend to:

Focus on their to-do list and the things they hope to accomplish.
Be concerned with productivity and efficiency.
Have concrete goals and detailed lists.

People-oriented personalities tend to:

Focus on the needs of the people around them.
Be concerned with building relationships and keeping people happy.
Place more importance on the feelings and happiness of people than on their to-do list.

Photo by omniNate

Finding Balance

Although I am strongly task-oriented, I obviously care about my husband and my children as well. Understanding my personality means that I have to consciously take a step back from a project, idea or task to consider their needs and the time I’m spending with them so that I’m not neglecting those relationships in favor of my to-do list.

On the other hand, if you are strongly people-oriented, you may find that the opposite is true. You may need to figure out ways to balance your people focus with your responsibilities, whatever they may be. While it’s true that in 20 years you won’t regret taking extra time to play with your children, valuing our role as home managers means prioritizing the tasks that keep our home running smoothly as well.

So how do you find a balance between both focuses? Here are some tips for both personality types:

Task-Oriented Personalities

1. Schedule time to focus on the people around you and commit to setting aside your to-do list during that time.

2. Consciously make eye contact when your husband or children speak to you so that they have your full attention, even though you may be tempted to multitask.

3. Add relationship-building tasks to your to-do list, such as sending birthday cards, calling your mom or having a date night with your husband.

4. Go outside, to the library, or to a museum where you can just enjoy being with your family without the distraction of things that need to be done.

People-Oriented Personalities

1. Get your husband and children involved in your chores. Turn on music and work together to get things done while having fun and spending time together.

2. Look for opportunities to get things done in smaller chunks rather than saving them all up to do at once. For example, you can wipe down the bathroom as part of your morning routine or load the dishwasher immediately following a meal.

3. Use the time you spend on the phone with your husband or a friend to do routine chores, such as folding laundry or dusting.

4. Rather than feeling like you have to choose between cuddling your little ones or getting chores done, use a sling, wrap or carrier to combine both.

How would you characterize your personality? How do you balance your natural tendencies with the needs of your family and your home?

This post was first published on March 10, 2010.

CURRENT SPONSORS:

Plan to Eat - Meal planning made simple.
MightyNest - Helping create healthy homes.
Natural Health at Home - Whole food meal plans.
Clean Mama - Printables that really work for you and make your life easier.
Again Bags - The reusable snack & sandwich bag.
UPrinting - Spread your message.
Oak Meadow - Creative homeschooling since 1975.

Understanding Your Personality: Balancing Tasks and People is a post from Simple Mom

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