Simple Mom » relationships

Beware of these marriage killers

Corey — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:15:18 +0000

Written by relationships columnist Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

Communication is a factor in every relationship. In fact, it’s so important that in a committed relationship you cannot not communicate. Everything you do, or don’t do, communicates.

When you believe this, your goal shifts—you want to handle the messages from others and clearly say what you mean.

Even so, there are some things when it comes to communication that are just killers in marriage … enter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

When you understand that there are four seasons in every year, that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to try and change the season. It’s not possible to change the season—and it’s also not possible to change your spouse—or anyone else you know and love.

It’s only possible to change yourself. Is it possible you might need to change the way you communicate in your marriage?

Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified communication styles that predict the end of a marriage, which he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

(Actually, Dr. Gottman has observed four destructive styles of communicating and coping that accurately predict the long-term failure of a marriage: harsh startup, flooding, body language, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)

While harsh startup, flooding, and body language are destructive, the four horsemen provide the deadliest blow to marriage.

These four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—with contempt being the most lethal.

If you want a better marriage in 2012, you’ll need to get rid of these—with contempt to go first.

1. Contempt.

Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse—verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic, and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage.

If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relationship, think about counseling to help you take a different shape.

2. Criticism.

Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt.

Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and on worth, and they target the shortcomings of the other person.

Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs (and a good thing). Use this as a guide—an effective complaint is one that:

• Starts softly, with a request for help—I need your help.
• Observes an action or behavior—When there are stacks of mail on the kitchen table and counters…
• States the impact of that action or behavior—I react badly to the clutter.
• Defines the desired change in behavior—I’d like to keep the kitchen table and counters clear.
• Asks for input as to how to achieve the outcome—What are you willing to do to help have a less cluttered kitchen and a calmer me?

Side note: These first two horsemen have often grown up with childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling, or excessive demands.

3. Defensiveness.

This is a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously; it’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If you are ignoring complaints or failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms… which naturally lead to defense.

Remember this mantra: Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t withdraw. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.

4. Stonewalling.

When you stonewall, you avoid the hard work of growing up, either because you’re unaware of your own feelings or because you’re afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with an issue or with your spouse, you check out—you tune out, turn away, and engage in busyness or obsessive behaviors.

Put another way—you simply stop relating to the most important person in your life.

Dr. Gottman’s research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages—happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. How conflict is handled is what makes the difference between a disaster or master marriage.

Most couples wait for six years after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek counseling. Yep, SIX YEARS! Evidence continues to mount that both individual and family therapy save money by cutting health expenditures, reducing employee absenteeism, and boosting productivity.

Start where you are in your relationship. Use the tools you have—blogs, books, therapists, coaches, online classes like Blow Up My Marriage.

Do what you can to take responsibility for your part by becoming the best YOU you can be. Once you’re on the path to being the YOU, you’re well on your way to being in the best marriage.

What helps you keep communication a priority in your relationships?

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Opening our homes means risk

Sandy — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 16:35:56 +0000

Written by Sandy Coughlin of Reluctant Entertainer.

Warmer connections come when we’re willing to take a chance.

If you’ve been following my 31 Days of Warm Connections series, I’m sharing today about friendships. I have friendships that go back almost 50 years—some 40, 30, 20, 10, as well as more recent friends. I’ve always told my daughter that friends are like a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The more you have, the more stunning the bouquet.

Last month, two of my newer friends came to my house on a Friday morning. All week long, I thought about my commitments, my list of chores, the last part of the garden that needed harvesting, canning, blogging … you name it. The list in my mind became overwhelming, and I tried to talk myself out of the invitation I had already made.

I wrote about our fast-paced world, how we naturally get into routines and rhythms with our families and schedules, and how busyness sets in. Even though we naturally long to spend time with family and friends, and we all need encouragement, we often lose sight of what’s important.

Busyness. A demanding schedule is the biggest hindrance to getting together with those we love.

Disinterest. Sometimes, sadly, we’re just not interested in others.

Disappointment. We stop connecting when we’re hurt or others don’t reciprocate.

Neglect. We forget that relationships are eternal, the most important thing in our lives.

And then there’s our homes.

My house. Do I really want to clean and get ready for these two new lady friends that have “moved” into my life? Won’t they be looking at my house?

Oh, the risk that’s involved in opening our homes. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with these blood-sucking, joy-stealing thoughts:

Is it clean enough?

Will they see the piles in the corner?

Just look at the kitchen cabinets that are streaked with tomato juice from canning.

Will they notice the dust bunnies on the floor?

Do I really have to serve food?

Will they judge me if I buy store-bought food?

Look at my dirty windows.

I haven’t dusted in two weeks.

My bathroom is so outdated.

Can I settle my mind and learn more about my friends?

What will we talk about?

Will they like me?

What will they think of me? Me, me, me.

I think about my insecurities, and I clearly see why inviting others into our homes is so risky.

We’re so worried about ourselves, and what others think, that it absolutely ruins us.

Most of the time, people aren’t even thinking about us, they’re thinking of themselves and their own insecurities. Moments of joy, encouragement, inspiration, authenticity, even tears and bearing of our souls to one another are taken away when we say “No.”

So this time I pushed past my fears and I said yes.

Fiona and Jenny came over after taking their kids to school on a Friday morning. I have teenagers; they each school-aged children and Fiona a baby. We talked about life, friendships, the loneliness of moving into a new town, the church community, how to get involved, people who are hospitable, people who are not (in general, no names). It’s good to have close-knit friends to share life. We’re made for needing each other, for connection and for helping one another, for accountability, and for love.

When Fiona asked what she could bring, I thought, why not? I’ll let her bring the morning goodies. Why do I have to do it all? I’ll provide the coffee or ice water. I’ll find a flower in my yard for a vase. I’ll tidy up the area where the three of us can sit and talk for an hour. I’ll listen and engage and ask questions about their lives because I care.

I’ll look into their eyes and feel their pain, and we’ll rejoice in our blessings.

I’m never disappointed when we invite people into our home. The best gifts in life are our relationships, the blessings of eating and drinking together, listening, and feeling.

When’s the last time you said “Yes” and invited others into your home, even for just a short visit? How did you feel when your guests left?

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Unlikely Friendships

Tsh — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:01:54 +0000

Today I’m over at (in)courage, talking about community and friendships—specifically, those found online. We need people, and while “real life” friends are essential, friends online can be surprisingly meaningful, too. From the post:

“Community online doesn’t replace community in ‘real’ life. But it can enrich your life, both in breadth and in depth. While you love on your kids at home, a few clicks of the mouse can bring you encouragement from another mom, across the world, right in the trenches with you, too. And sometimes, the Internet also introduces you to friends—real friends, friends you’d otherwise never meet.”

Head here to read the rest of the post.

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How to make friends

Tsh — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:01:55 +0000

I jumped into life here when we moved to Oregon two months ago. No stranger to moving, I knew the drill of setting up a new home: bring toilet paper and trash bags, because you won’t find them when you’ve got nothing but packed boxes. Let the kids draw on said boxes as a way to pass time until their toys reveal themselves. Go easy on the menu plan for the first month, because you won’t yet know the right grocery store or the best place to store your spices.

And also, jump into community as quickly as possible.

That last one is true for me, anyway. As an extroverted introvert, I need people almost as much as I need alone time. People are what make a place feel real to me, more like home. When I reminisce over my former residences, it’s the people that first delight my consciousness, not the restaurants. So I know it’s true for any of my new locales as well: I need to find my peeps.

There’s something beautiful and reassuring and restful about friends who know you well. They’ve been there for years, or they just get a side of you more than the usual crowd. Perhaps you have a shared history, or maybe you relish in the same passion.

I’m finding new friends in Bend, and I’ve delighted in the friendly atmosphere found in small-town culture. I sip that coffee as I eagerly hear the heart of a new friend across the table. But all the more, new environments pull me into inward thankfulness for those tried-and-true relationships.

I’m not saying it’s the easiest thing in the world for me to make friends. But it’s worth it for me to trudge through my insecurities, fears, and awkwardness to do it.

This past weekend I was in Hilton Head with fellow (in)courage writers. Normally scattered from Seattle to Florida, we gathered in a beach house to dream, pray, walk, and laugh. Mostly laugh. And tweet each other from two feet away.

I already knew most of these girls. These are women with whom I’ve journeyed across the world, who’ve sat in a bar next to me and made fun of my tiny purse, and in whose lap I sat as we careened down a mountain.

They’ve also share their stories—deeply personal stories—over late-night Skype chats, and they’ve sent exactly the right email at exactly the right time. They get my business side, they get my writerly side, and they get the weirdness of what it is I do.

In short… these women are my tribe. And I’m so blessed to have them.

Created for fellowship

We are made for relationships, of all sorts I believe. We need people similar to us, different than us, from different cultures and life stages and ages. We crave just one person to get us, the real us, and who’ll take our late-night calls.

And yet many of us settle for the convenient or the absent. We may look for awhile, but we give up when it’s not easy. We chalk it up to a challenging stage in life (little ones in the house), an environment that’s not exactly what we’d prefer (this church isn’t as perfect as I’d like), or simply a difference in personality (I don’t really jive with anyone I know).

Our lives are fuller and sweeter when there are kindred spirits to walk alongside. We find meaning and purpose when we have people to serve. God speaks to us in many ways, but in my life, He often likes to use people—we miss out on a unique perspective from Him if we don’t let others in our life.

This looks different for all of us, of course. Some of us would be overwhelmed with more than one comrade in our life, while others may need a veritable entourage. But I’d hate for any of us to miss out on true companionship because we didn’t look for it.

Here are ways I’ve found my life’s dearest friends:

1. Be a friend.

Know that corny phrase, “The best way to find a friend is to be a friend”? It’s actually kinda true. Practice the lovely art of listening, serving, and caring—not to get something back, but just because. These acts alone will fill your cup.

2. Open up.

Take a chance and share your heart. As you know someone longer, share with them deeper. Don’t hold on to needless fear when it would mean missing out on soul care from a friend.

3. Be open to new things.

Drive yourself to that book club, as difficult it might be. Call a new neighbor over for coffee, even though you’d wish someone would invite you for a change. Register for that conference and see what happens. Create that playgroup so that you can find the adult conversation you crave.

I’ve made the most surprising friends in the most unexpected places, all because I dared to do something new.

4. Take care of yourself.

Don’t expect your friends to solve your problems, never fail you, or be God. Practice the fine art of taking care of yourself, so that you are able to be a thriving, functioning adult. Let your friends care for you when it’s needed, but don’t ask more from a fellow human when they’re just not made to give it.

I’d love to hear from you: Where have you found a friend in an unexpected place? How do you like to meet new people? Or what do you do to combat loneliness?

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Understanding Your Personality: Balancing Tasks and People

Mandi — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 04:01:14 +0000

Written by organizing contributor Mandi Ehman of Life… Your Way.

While personality tests and reading about personality types have been regarded by some as self-indulgent navel gazing, there is real value that comes from identifying your natural tendencies. Every personality has strengths and weaknesses, and understanding what yours are allows you take advantage of the strengths and create a plan to overcome the weaknesses.

The most popular personality test is the Myers-Briggs typology, but I’ve always been fascinated by the task-oriented versus people-oriented personality spectrum. Perhaps it’s because I am so strongly task-oriented, and I appreciate having a name for the focus I tend to place on my to-do list and getting things done.

As with all personality types, there is no right or wrong here. We need a balance of both personalities within society. People-oriented personalities build relationships and community, while task-oriented personalities get things done, and both are important.

Just like we need a balance of both to make the world go round, we also need to find a balance of both within our homes.

If you’re like me, your natural bent toward one end of the spectrum or the other may be so strong that you know without a doubt which personality type you are. If you’re somewhere toward the middle, you may have to spend more time thinking it through. But either way, it’s important to capitalize on the strengths of your personality while being aware of the weaknesses so that you can look for ways to improve.

Defining Your Personality Type

First, let’s look at the characteristics of both personality types to help you identify which describes you.

Task-oriented personalities tend to:

Focus on their to-do list and the things they hope to accomplish.
Be concerned with productivity and efficiency.
Have concrete goals and detailed lists.

People-oriented personalities tend to:

Focus on the needs of the people around them.
Be concerned with building relationships and keeping people happy.
Place more importance on the feelings and happiness of people than on their to-do list.

Photo by omniNate

Finding Balance

Although I am strongly task-oriented, I obviously care about my husband and my children as well. Understanding my personality means that I have to consciously take a step back from a project, idea or task to consider their needs and the time I’m spending with them so that I’m not neglecting those relationships in favor of my to-do list.

On the other hand, if you are strongly people-oriented, you may find that the opposite is true. You may need to figure out ways to balance your people focus with your responsibilities, whatever they may be. While it’s true that in 20 years you won’t regret taking extra time to play with your children, valuing our role as home managers means prioritizing the tasks that keep our home running smoothly as well.

So how do you find a balance between both focuses? Here are some tips for both personality types:

Task-Oriented Personalities

1. Schedule time to focus on the people around you and commit to setting aside your to-do list during that time.

2. Consciously make eye contact when your husband or children speak to you so that they have your full attention, even though you may be tempted to multitask.

3. Add relationship-building tasks to your to-do list, such as sending birthday cards, calling your mom or having a date night with your husband.

4. Go outside, to the library, or to a museum where you can just enjoy being with your family without the distraction of things that need to be done.

People-Oriented Personalities

1. Get your husband and children involved in your chores. Turn on music and work together to get things done while having fun and spending time together.

2. Look for opportunities to get things done in smaller chunks rather than saving them all up to do at once. For example, you can wipe down the bathroom as part of your morning routine or load the dishwasher immediately following a meal.

3. Use the time you spend on the phone with your husband or a friend to do routine chores, such as folding laundry or dusting.

4. Rather than feeling like you have to choose between cuddling your little ones or getting chores done, use a sling, wrap or carrier to combine both.

How would you characterize your personality? How do you balance your natural tendencies with the needs of your family and your home?

This post was first published on March 10, 2010.

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Character On Aisle Nine

Shaun — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 05:06:26 +0000

Written by fatherhood contributor Shaun Groves.

Mom and I grabbed a cart on our way from parking lot to grocery store. We passed through the automatic sliding doors together, cooled from the Texas heat by the immediate welcomed whoosh of AC.

A good way through our list, we saw her.

Bent over at the shoulder blades. Hair that shade of pinkish silver denial. Spotted hands on the crossbar of her shopping cart, pushing hard against it. Wrestling her way down the aisle in a losing battle against a wobbling stubborn wheel.

I passed by. But my mother? She stopped.

“Here,” she said,”take mine.”

She began lifting the woman’s groceries from her cart and placing them in ours. One after another. And, well, I couldn’t let me mom do all the work, could I? So there I was, nine years old, transferring a strangers toilet paper from one cart to another – and learning…

Compassion. Community. Service.

The woman thanked us again and again, grabbing my mother’s face with both palms in the end and pecking her on the cheek. And the squeaky wheel was ours—our problem then.

Compassion. Community. Service. Sacrifice.

I’m thirty-seven, and I still remember the regret of passing by, the urge to help, the woman’s smile and thanks when I did, the kiss goodbye.

Compassion. Community. Service. Sacrifice. And love? Yes, love.

There’s a lot to be taught from books and teachers in classrooms and houses of worship. But some things are best learned from mom on aisle nine. In the everydayness between errands on a lengthy to-do list. Character is learned right there.

Where sympathy becomes action. When time is made to make someone else’s problem ours. When the weak receive a bit of our strength. When a stranger is treated as we would want to be if the wheel was on the other cart.

What did your mom or dad teach you well by example? What is your example teaching your own children?

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The Power Behind Date Nights

Tsh — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 04:01:36 +0000

I admit: It was a glorious, beautiful thing we had going on in Austin. We lived near grandparents for the first time in years, and they knew as well as we did that it wouldn’t last forever. Because of this, they were willing to watch the kids regularly so that Kyle and I could have Date Nights.

Oh, so sacrificial were they as they spent time spraying the kids with the backyard water hose, making more cupcakes than any one family could possibly eat, sewing purses and doll dresses, and watching Saturday morning cartoons. Woe to them that they got to feed our kids things they never get to eat with Boring Ol’ Parents, and that they ate up story time, funny one-liners, and slobbery kisses.

It was rough for the grandparents.

Yep, they watched our three kids every other Friday night for more than a year. Well, it was two kids at first, but then Finn came along. And once he started sleeping through the night, he joined his big brother and sister and got to spend the night at Hot Rod and Nana’s.

That’s right. We picked up the kids by lunchtime Saturday. Glorious, indeed.

But we’re no strangers to Date Nights. We enjoyed them years ago, when it was just Tate and my parents watched her, and then later when we lived in the Middle East, we tag-teamed with neighbors as we watched each other’s kids. Every Thursday, we’d switch off — one family would watch all the kids while the other couple went on a date; the roles would switch the following week.

Date Nights are essential to our marriage and our sanity.

We get to complete sentences.

Two weeks eke by, believe it or not. By the time they roll around, we are desperate to talk to each other. Sure, we’ve got the evenings after the kids are in bed, but those conversations aren’t as fun. We’re tired.

When we go on a date, we enjoy getting into real conversations, ones that aren’t interrupted every ten seconds by, “Guess what I saw today?” or “Help me tie shoes, please.”

Typically, we say goodbye to the kids, climb into the car, drive out, and enjoy the silence for about a minute. Then, when we’re ready, one of us looks at the other and says, “Hi. How have you been?”

One of our first outings after Tate was born, more than six years ago now.

We get to be people other than parents.

We like movies that don’t involve finding that incessant Map. We like to play cards, drink wine and beer, and not cut up each other’s food. We also like to stay up later than 8 p.m.

We purposely narrow down our restaurant choice by its difficulty in taking children. The more difficult, the higher it is on our Date Night list.

We get to talk about important stuff.

There are many times when we goof off, laugh, and talk about shallow things. But Date Nights are some of the best times to ask each other the tough things we’ve been meaning to bring up, or to plan future stuff uninterruptedly.

This is our best time to bring up issues that aren’t emergencies, but have been on our minds and need a good talking through.

We remember that we like each other.

It’s all too easy to go day after day and only talk about the basics. Did you sign Tate’s field trip permission slip? We need to get butter at the grocery store. Would you please wash some towels when you get a chance? We’re out.

And this all too easily escalates into living like roommates. We’ve forgotten how to talk to each other romantically, even as friends sometimes.

Regular dates rekindle our relationship long before the spark goes out.

Our 8th anniversary

How to go on dates:

Have you forgotten how to date your spouse? Do whatever you can to get back in the routine — they’re terribly important. Really.

• If you can’t afford a babysitter (we can’t), find a couple to tag team. We’re hoping to find this in Bend as soon as possible. I’ve even heard of a whole group of families that do this, so that yes, it’s utter chaos for a few hours with ten or so kids under one roof, but you get to go on a date for five out of six weeks. A good trade-off, I say.

• Avoid movies, if you don’t go out often. Do things that allow you to talk and reconnect, not stare at a screen together.

• Have fun. Remember what it was like to do things just for fun, because you like each other’s company. Go bowling or miniature golfing with the other college students on dates.

• Go cheap. Dates don’t have to break the bank. Kyle and I would often use a Groupon or our Entertainment Passbook to have dinner, then get coffee at a local coffee shop and play a game. We kept our go-to games in the car at all times.

• Get dressed up, just for fun. Every now and then, break out the dress shoes and skirt, for no real reason other than feeling date-ish. It’s fun to look nice for your spouse.

What’s your favorite Date Night with your spouse?

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Will We Ever See Eye To Eye?

Corey — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 04:01:45 +0000

Written by relationships columnist Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

Every marriage has conflict. Every relationship has conflict as well.

John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual in nature. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.

Now before throw up your hands in frustration, hear me out.

There are many areas in marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here’s a few:

One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
One of you wants sex far more frequently that the other.
You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
Or one of the bigger issues — one of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.

Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?

Photo by BitBoy

The key is to continually work it out. Acknowledge the problems and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences.

Think of it this way — the times when there’s tension between you and your spouse, it’s like the elephant in the room. You both can sense its presence when you’re together. Rather than allowing the elephant to roam freely between you and takeover your space, name it. Speak up. This won’t make the elephant leave completely, but it will decrease its size.

In unstable marriages, elephants are likely to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked.

You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You’re spinning your wheels. And since you’re making no progress, you both feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, resentment moves in and humor and affection leave.

Problems in marriage will happen. How you address these problems is up to you. Here are some ways to communicate well:

1. With respect.

One of the main things I see in couples on the verge of marital collapse is a lack of respect. When you reach a point of no longer liking each other, you’re in trouble.

“Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty

Sadly, we often treat common strangers with more respect than people in our home. Respect is one of the key factors to a successful marriage — respect for those around you, and most importantly, respect for yourself.

2. With a clear definition of self.

Defining yourself involves an awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life.

You are living with another person who has his or her own view of the way things should be, just like you. In your family of origin, tables may serve as great places to store piles of mail, magazines, and kid’s artwork. But in your spouse’s family of origin, tables are great places to eat dinner together, so they need to be free of clutter.

Neither way is necessarily “right,” they’re just different. You are allowed to live life the way you choose, but so is your spouse. Author Rob Bell refers to marriage as “thousands of little conversations about how two people are going to do life together.”

3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning.

In every relationship, there will be one who over-functions while the other under-functions. It’s a reality of relationships.

Over-functioning and under-functioning are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time — we over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value. For example, if your kid’s grades are more important to you than they are to her, you’re more likely to do her homework for her, or at least keep on her about it, because she can under-function, knowing you’ll pick up the slack.

One thing to keep in mind — if you’re over-functioning for someone, you are under-functioning for yourself. When you are faced with something you want to change, and have a spouse that isn’t on the same page, it’s best to initiate a discussion about the change.

Share your thoughts – openly listen to theirs. It’s very likely that together, you will be able to come up with a solution.

4. Live by what you hold dear.

When you are faced with a situation where you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, live according to your own integrity and values.

If you want to save money and your spouse doesn’t, save.

You want to eat healthy and your spouse only wants fast food? Eat healthy.

At the end of the day, all you’re responsible for is you.

What do you think? Are you able to live by what you hold dear in your marriage? And what might this look like as you raise children together?

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How to Teach Him to Romance You

Alisa — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 05:26:06 +0000

The following is a guest post by Alisa Bowman of Project: Happily Ever After.

Not long ago, one of my headlights burned out. My husband stayed home that evening—instead of going out with his friends—so he could replace it for me.

I considered it an act of romance. He chose to help me rather than have fun that night—and he did it without me nagging or hinting that I’d like him to do it. I felt absolutely loved.

Now, after nearly 12 years of marriage, it’s these Acts of Adoration that I’ve come to appreciate. There was a time early in our relationship when I wanted him to prove his love with material gifts, chivalry, dinners out or flowers. Then we became parents. Then our marriage fell apart in a big way. Then we worked on things and got to a much better place.

And now I just want one thing: to know he adores me.

Perhaps you are the same. The problem in marriage—and especially after kids come into the picture—is this: we forget to adore each other. We assume our partners already know that we appreciate them. We take our partners for granted.

Worse, if things are strained, we not only slack off on the Acts of Adoration, we practice Acts of Romantic Sabotage instead. We make sarcastic remarks, roll our eyes, and criticize more than we thank.

Or maybe this only happened in my marriage? At any rate, I can tell you this: when the Acts of Romantic Sabotage outnumbered the Acts of Adoration, my marriage was in its worst state ever. I even went as far to plan my husband’s funeral on the off chance he might conveniently drop dead. Talk about sabotage.

It took some practice to get in the habit of practicing Acts of Adoration. It helped for me to ask myself this question on a regular basis: Will this make my husband think I love him or that I hate him?

It also helped for me to list Acts of Affection. It was in creating these lists that I realized that romance isn’t really about flowers or dinners out. It’s really about making someone feel loved and adored.

You can do this, too. Here’s how.

Photo by Sean McGraths

1. Show that you’re listening to him.

Doing exactly the right thing to show your spouse that you have been listening and paying attention. Getting him a cold beer from the fridge before he asks for it, buying his favorite strawberry bars at the grocery store, giving him space when he seems stressed.

2. Making your spouse’s life easier–even if it makes your life harder.

Pick up his dry cleaning after you hear him mention that he keeps forgetting to do it; do a small favor for him; buy his mother a birthday gift.

3. Understand his differences.

Showing your spouse just how much you want to understand him, especially how he is different from you. Asking about his hobby, watching sports with him even if you don’t like them, making a fuss whenever he takes care of a rodent problem or fixes something that’s broken (especially if you don’t do these things yourself).

4. Letting him know that you think he rocks.

Marvel at his parenting abilities, compliment him, and tell your friends how great a husband you have—and do it while he is in earshot.

But, you may be wondering, how do you reverse this? How do you get him to return the favor?

One way is to just talk about it. Be vulnerable and tell him that you do not feel as adored as you’d like—and that you’d like him to show adoration more. Then talk about ways he can show that he adores you.

Another is to do what a good friend of mine did: write suggestions on his calendar, like “buy Alisa flowers” and “call Alisa to tell her I love her.”

Yet another way is to do what I did and create a Romance Instruction Manual for him to carry around and consult as needed. It would list Acts of Adoration like, “Tell Alisa she’s beautiful” and “Empty the dishwasher without being asked.”

Try it and watch the romance come back into your life in a big way.

Giveaway time

Simple Mom readers — Alisa is giving away five of you copies of her new book, Project: Happily Ever After! It tells the story of of how she went from wishing her husband dead to renewing her wedding vows.

1. To enter, leave a comment on this post, answering this question — How do you like to romance your spouse? (If you’re reading this via email, you must click over to comment on the blog directly).

2. For an additional entry, mention this giveaway on either Facebook (use the link http://bit.ly/eFqL0L) or Twitter (mentioning @SimpleMom and @AlisaBowman). Then come back here and leave an additional comment letting me know.

This giveaway will end Saturday, February 12 at 11:59 pm CST. I’ll announce the winners this Sunday. I hope you win!

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How to Teach Him to Romance You is a post from Simple Mom

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Food that Feeds the Body and Nourishes the Soul

Sandy — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:38:19 +0000

This post was written by hospitality & entertaining contributor Sandy Coughlin of Reluctant Entertainer.

Some nights you’ll find me in the kitchen doubling up a dish. This is because I’m either freezing one for my family, or I’m getting ready to take a meal to a family in need.

Hospitality covers the whole range of life experiences and emotions.

For me, some of these life experiences and feelings have come in challenging times, like when I had my children (who are now teens), when my husband and I lost three parents within a five year period, and when I had several surgeries.

Friends rallied together and gave me one of the most thoughtful gifts: They brought my family a meal. They fed our bodies and nourished our souls with their generous love for us.

Taking a meal to others in need happens often in churches, but it’s not just church people who we should look out for. Our world is full of need.

A basic checklist for bringing a meal to a family

Here are some simple tips for blessing another family during hard times with a meal:

• Make sure the family knows when you will be arriving.
• Keep the meal simple, whether it’s one entree or a full course.
• If possible, use disposable dishes so the recipient doesn’t have to worry about washing pans and plates and getting them back to you.
• Don’t plan to stay and visit unless you are invited in.

Helping for an extended period of time

If you know a family is going to need help for an extended period of time, setting up a meal schedule can be a huge blessing.

Photo by Emily

Some simple steps include:

• Ask the family if they’d like to receive meals, and then ask for names of some of their close friends, neighbors, or family members.

• Ask when the family would like the first meal, and for how long the meals should continue (I usually only commit to two weeks). Let them know to expect a meal every other day, and decide with them when it should be delivered.

• Set up a calendar with the schedule.

• When you make the calls to friends, neighbors, and family members, you don’t have to know what they plan to contribute. Let them decide the menu in their own time.

• Fill the calendar and make sure to include names and phone numbers. Email or mail the information to the recipient.

Once the schedule is set, my mission is accomplished! The family is on their way to being blessed.

This is what I call having a hospitable spirit — seeing a need and jumping in to help ease the pain of others. Who’d ever guess we could bless other bodies and souls in such a simple, yet meaningful way?

If I hadn’t been the recipient of this beautiful act of love years ago, I would have never understood how nourishing it is — to the body and the soul.

And who knows the lives you’ll touch in the process.

How do you look for needs around you? Have you been touched by being the recipient of a meal when you really needed it?

CURRENT SPONSORS:

Plan to Eat - meal planning made simple.
The Justice Conference - Justice hangs by a thread.
Lil' Soak - Sewing hope with handmade goods.
Treed - A simple, flexible, effective project planning tool.

Food that Feeds the Body and Nourishes the Soul is a post from Simple Mom

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