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Afterschooling: our plan for next year

Tsh — Fri, 18 May 2012 05:01:27 +0000

Today I’m sharing my post from this week at Simple Homeschool, where I pull back the curtain on our school plan for next year: afterschooling. What the heck is it, anyway? From the post:

“It’s almost silly that this even needs a name, in many ways, but afterschooling is simply homeschool, after school. It can look a lot of ways, just like homeschooling. I’ve jokingly come to call it Homeschool Lite.

Increasing in popularity, many families choose to do afterschooling in order to go deeper in an area a student’s school isn’t able, to cover a topic that’s completely ignored at school, or to foster more interest-led learning. I learned a great deal about afterschooling at Teaching My Baby to Read, and the Well Trained Mind forums also has a forum just for afterschooling.

As we considered the possibility of afterschooling, one of our highest criteria was finding a school with a low homework policy. After all, kids need tons of play (where some of the best learning happens!), and I have no intention of bogging down our kids with more than is necessary.

We’re going to try it out this next year, and if it ends up being too much, we’ll slow down. We might even shelve the idea for awhile and pick it back up later. Or we may stop doing the private school and return to only homeschooling.”

Head here to read our plan and to share your thoughts.

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Afterschooling: our plan for next year is a post from Simple Mom

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Six things adoption has taught me

Shaun — Wed, 09 May 2012 04:01:08 +0000

Written by contributor Shaun Groves.

Just six of the zillion things adoption has taught me:

1. Generosity is simple.

In 2007, I visited an Ethiopian orphanage, trying not to make eye contact with any of the little ones around me in need of a father. I’ve always found avoidance to be the surest way to never feel bad about saying “no.” My brother-in-law, who was adopting from Ethiopia, was there with me. “Maybe we’ve made it too complicated,” he said. (I knew by “we” he meant “me.”) “What if God’s will for our life is found wherever someone’s need and our ability intersect?”

Today, if I don’t look away, I’m bound to see someone with a need that matches my ability.

2. Adoption is not for everyone.

Ten months ago, my phone rang. A social worker explained a little boy’s situation in broad strokes. He was four, from India, and was being relinquished by the family who adopted him here in America – because they loved him enough to give him better than they could provide. “Can we place him in your home?” the social worker asked.

The more passionate we become about a cause, the more tempting it is to venerate those who “get it” as saints, and condemn those who don’t as wayward or heartless. But every cause is not for everyone to give themselves to. Adoption is not for everyone. If it were, my phone would not have rung.

Good people are not always passionate about the same good things.

3. Kids are kids.

Forty-eight hours after I hung up the phone, Sambhaji joined our family. Relocated for the third time in his short life, he stood at the front door sobbing, understandably inconsolable, trembling with fear, grieving all he left behind. I didn’t know what to do, where to begin.

My other three kids pulled out Legos and cars and blocks. He watched them out of the corner of his eye and slowly – very slowly – inched his way closer. I invited him to build with me. Reluctantly, he took the colored squares from my hand and snapped them together. Eventually, my oldest boy brought out some silly string he’d saved for a special occasion…or an emergency. This was both. I pretended to not know how the spray can worked, fiddled with it clumsily with the nozzle aimed the wrong way, and doused myself in the face, feigning shock and disgust. Sambhaji threw his head back and cackled, then took the can from me and gave my face a second coat.

Some things just work – on almost every kid in the world: Tickling, cartoons, cookies, fart jokes, hugs, Christmas, bubbles, hurting yourself. Good places to start.

4. There is a tool for every child.

To an adopted child, time-out can feel like abandonment. Losing a privilege the other kids in the house get to enjoy can make him feel less-than. And his tenuous grasp of the English language makes a substantive discourse on the origins of household rules and the personal and societal benefits of following them impossible.

So, I hold Sambhaji and reassure him that I love him and always will, that I will never leave him, that I’m not angry at him. And then, after much cuddling and encouraging, I tell him not to hit his sister in the face with an ice cream sandwich ever again.

No tool fits every kid. And sometimes, no matter how many tools I’ve got, I have to go out and get new ones.

5. Lowering expectations works better than chocolate.

Sambhaji is a hilarious, creative, smart, compassionate, charismatic kid. But for the last ten months parenting him has often been exhausting.

So exhausting that I’ve snapped at my children, raised my voice, retreated to the blue and white mindlessness of Facebook, eaten a few dozen peanut butter cups, hidden in the bathroom for an hour, and walked around muttering to myself “you are a horrible horrible human being.” ALL of this before noon some days. All because of my inappropriate expectations.

I can no longer expect him to flush the toilet and wash his hands without being reminded, buckle his seat belt without help, play alone, or put on underwear. Though these are reasonable expectations for a five year-old boy, like many adopted children, my son’s emotional and developmental ages are not aligned with his chronological age. In some ways he’s two. In others he’s an infant. And in a few he’s twenty.

Managing my expectations – for all my children and my wife – is the only way I can put down the chocolate.

6. Adoption is second best.

One night not long ago, I kissed Sambhaji on the cheek and said, “I love you.” Before I reached the hallway he asked, “What is love you?”

I built a definition from the few words he knew. “I love you means I like like like like you big, a lot!” I said, standing on my toes with my hands stretched high. He beamed. “Again!” he shouted. And again.

Sambhaji has made me a better man, a better parent. I’m his dad way down to my bones and I can’t imagine life without him. I’m surprised by this. Amazed. I love him. But somewhere out there lives a mother who loves him too – so much that she sacrificed having him in her life so he could have a better life.

Some say there are 146,000,000 orphans in the world today. It’s estimated that 4 out of 5 of these children were not orphaned by the passing of their parents but by poverty. If every parent in the world could provide nutrition, shelter, education, and health care for their children, there would only be 29,000 orphans today.

4 out of 5 orphans could be at home today, speaking their native language, eating their favorite foods, kissed goodnight by Mom, hearing “I love you” from Dad in words they understand. Adoption is great but orphan prevention is best.

Today I can keep families together. I can do something to meet the basic needs of children living in poverty in my own community and around the world.

A note from Tsh: Yeah, so I can’t read this post of Shaun’s without crying. Amazing words—Shaun is wiser than his hair lets him on to be… And he’s actually in Tanzania right now, leading a group of Compassion bloggers. My trip last year was a game-changer in our family’s life. Would you be brave and follow along, letting your heart do what it may?

Which one of these lessons did you need most today?

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Room to build

Robin Dance — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 04:01:49 +0000

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
~ Unattributed Chinese proverb

As is often the case, one of the best things a parent can give their teenager is hardly a thing at all: it’s room.

Room…

to make their own decisions and to enjoy the sense of accomplishment associated with wise choices—or—to endure the consequences or poor choices;
to learn life lessons never taught in a class or between pages in a book; and
to grow.

Parenting is tricky; time doesn’t play fair.

Days are long, years are short—before we know it, our pre-pubescent grade-schooler is learning to drive! There are no defining lines to mark seasons in development; they rarely occur overnight. Sometimes shift is so subtle you don’t even realize it when you’ve left one stage and entered the next.

My point?

During your child’s formative years your job is to feed your child a lot of fish; but over time, gradually, it’s crucial to teach him how to fish for himself.

There will be a point when all the training, teaching, coaching and leading by example will have to be enough. It is imperative that parents step back from managing their children’s lives and allow them space to work through issues themselves.

Giving your child room allows her to grow.

Recently my son, a junior in high school, suffered a mild concussion during soccer practice. In the midst of an excellent season; his school has one of the top-ranked teams in the state. Their team has talent, crazy skill and depth; for my son, his concussion proved to be a set-back. He went from starter to bench warmer.

Without him having to say a word, I sensed his bruised pride. As his mother, champion and biggest fan, it broke my heart. The first game I was able to attend after returning from an extended trip, he didn’t play at all! I knew he was disappointed and I dreaded the ride home.

I was already imagining conversations with the coach, where I would beg him to let the kid play; conversations I knew would never take place but made me long for those days when he was little and everyone got to play every game.

But it’s a different animal when you earn the right to join a team and play competitive sports. Equal play, regardless of ability, serves no one and teaches nothing. But it sure is tough to swallow when your kid is the one not playing.

When he got in the car, I braced for his reaction. But instead of wallowing in self-pity and disappointment, he praised his team and the game they played! Enthusiastically, he recounted his favorite moments.

Sitting on the bench and me not trying to do a thing about it was giving him the necessary room to build character. He learned as much about being part of a team by sitting on the bench as he did by playing every minute. Maybe more (I think it’s harder!).

Had I stepped in to try to pressure or persuade the coach, my son would have been cast as a victim (which I absolutely detest); it also would have fed the notion that parents can bail you out just because you don’t like something. It would have undermined the coach.

Had I smothered him in the name of love and “fairness,” I would have robbed him of a far greater good.

Sometimes intentional parenting means not doing anything at all. On purpose.

I wonder if helicopter parents ever realize they’re hovering? Take a minute to consider if you’re allowing enough space for your teen to grow. Are there areas or issues where you should take a step back? Maybe a candid conversation with your teens would reveal a blind spot.

Do you have personal examples to share where you’ve allowed your child growing room in the midst of challenge? Encourage us by sharing what works for you!

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Spirit-Led Parenting: Overcoming the Fear of Freedom

Megan — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:01:11 +0000

This is written by contributor Megan Tietz of SortaCrunchy.

Freedom.

This powerful word evokes strong feelings in each of us. For some, it conjure flag-waving and patriotism. For others, it speaks to the purpose of a spiritual faith. In Western culture, freedom is honored, cherished, and pursued.

Who would be afraid of freedom?

As it turns out, we were.

My friend Laura and I were good girls who had grown up to become good women, women who were relied-upon, predictable, and responsible. We were women who were highly invested in doing things the right way. When we each discovered we were pregnant with our first children in the spring of 2004, we began to ask around, seeking answers from trusted friends and family members about how, exactly, does one care for a baby the right way.

We reached out for The Rules.

And The Rules were what we received. These Rules worked wonderfully for many families, and The Rules were passed on to us with glowing smiles and the highest praise. As we read The Rules in the books that we were given, we internalized the instructions and found great comfort and peace in knowing that in all the uncertainty that parenting a new baby brings, at least there was the assurance of structure, stability, and order.

We wanted strong marriages, happy children, and efficient homes. It simply never occurred to us to wonder where freedom fit into the equation. Freedom seemed to run contrary to The Rules.

Freedom was for the families who let their kids stay up late into the night until they simply passed out on the carpet after a long day of play. Freedom was for the families who consistently showed up fifteen minutes late for every event with complete disregard for the schedules of others. Freedom was for mothers who nursed their babies anytime and anywhere, with no concern for the activities going on around them.

No, freedom sounded good on paper, but it was for other families and not for us. We had every intention of following the black-and-white instructions that worked well for others. When fears began to creep in about what life with a baby would look like, we found comfort in the pages that explained The Rules, and our fears were replaced with happy daydreams of order, harmony, and predictability.

And then our babies were born.

And as it turned out, trying to do things the “right way” was harder than we ever could have imagined. Every time we turned around, in every area of parenting a baby, we were forced to choose between following The Rules or following our hearts. As the disconnect grew between the right way in the books and the right way in our hearts, so did the internal anguish each of us were experiencing.

We had hoped to feel more deeply connected to other parents in our community who supported and encouraged The Rules; instead, we felt alienated and alone.

We had planned to strengthen our marriages by guarding against a child-centered home; instead, all of our obsessing over The Rules led to—you guessed it—a child-centered home.

We believed we would find comfort and peace in the instructions set forth by The Rules. Instead, we found ourselves sobbing nightly into our pillows, crushed by another day of failing miserably.

Breaking the rules left us broken and hurting, burdened by a sense of failure. And that is when God rescued us with His message of freedom.

Photo by {Charlotte.Morrall}

God spoke into our darkest days as new mothers and assured us that there was, indeed, a right way to parent a new baby. And this right way was one that was perfectly crafted for each individual baby, exquisitely tailored to meet the needs of each unique family.

The right way to parent a new baby was one that could never be fully captured in a set of instructions; rather, it was a way that meant stepping out into the freedom of following what we know to be best for our own children.

We’ll be the first to admit that at first we were terrified. The Rules looked like a master-planned community with row after row of pristine houses with smiling neighbors who waved to each other across neatly manicured lawns. The way of freedom looked like a narrow path through an unknown wilderness.

But once we found the courage to speak out loud about what we were learning as we explored this newly-found freedom, we discovered that there were others on the same path. We began to talk about how The Rules worked great for some families, but they didn’t work quite so well for us, and how every aspect of our lives had been changed by making the simple choice to do what we knew was best for our own children.

And from the discussions on this once-lonely path, a beautiful community grew. And from our own stories and the stories in our community, a book began to take shape. Oh, we’ve laughed and laughed, Laura and I have, over the two of us writing a book about parenting a new baby. It was, after all, those parenting books that caused us so much angst as new mothers.

But we truly believe that the message of Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year is a powerful one, one of redemption and renewal and growth. It is our hope that when new parents reach out for The Rules, as we once did, that what they’ll receive in the pages of this book is not another set of instructions, but rather all the permission, encouragement, and support they need to confidently choose the way of freedom as they navigate the challenges and joys of baby’s first year.

Giveaway!

This giveaway has now ended.

Megan and Laura are graciously giving TEN Simple Mom readers a copy of their new book! I’m so thrilled to bless you with it and to shout about this book from the rooftops. It’s so very beautiful, so comforting and encouraging; I kept saying, “Yes! Yes!” as I pored its pages.

This is one of the best parenting books I’ve read. Seriously. It’s my new first-time mama gift.

To enter to win a copy of this book, simply leave any comment on this post! (If you’re reading this via email, you must click over to the post to comment.)

This giveaway will end tomorrow night, April 17, and I’ll announce the winners soon after. I hope you win!

Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year is the first release from authors Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer. Megan writes about faith, family and natural living at SortaCrunchy and lives in western Oklahoma with her husband and two daughters. Laura blogs her reflections on the real and ridiculous things of life at In The Backyard, and makes her home in Indiana with her husband, daughter, and son.

This post is part of a lovely blog tour—head to the rest of these sites for more chances to win a copy:

4/10 The Gypsy Mama, Mama Monk, and Little Hearts Books
4/11 Sarah Bessey
4/12 I Take Joy
4/13 Love Well
4/14 Joy in this Journey
4/15 The Stanley Clan
4/16 Life Your Way
4/17 Lifenut
4/18 Fried Okra, Live Renewed
4/19 The Pilot’s Wife
4/20 Nish Happens
4/23 Keeper of the Home

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Honoring the spirit of generosity in our children

Megan — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 04:01:43 +0000

Written by contributor Megan Tietz of SortaCrunchy.

Last month, I went to Nashville for the BlissDom blogging conference. I wanted to bring home something for each of my girls, a little treat from my trip.

The first day of the conference offered me the chance to shop the delightful wares at the Handmade Marketplace. I realized as I browsed the booths that I wanted to get my daughters something handmade, something that would hopefully hold more meaning than a tacky t-shirt.

I walked up and down the aisles, sighing more than once over the precious collections for little ones. Though of course I realize that my children are growing up, it definitely drove the point home when I realized that they were too big even for the sweet little handmade skirts I found at one booth.

Both of my daughters have been very into girly, feminine accessories lately, and when I spied the lacy fluffs at the Allora Handmade booth, I knew I had found the perfect treat for each of them. I picked light pink for my older daughter and the darker pink for the younger one, bearing in mind that her favorite color is very specifically dark pink.

After my return, my girls had fun digging through all of the treasures I brought home with me. Predictably, they were slightly more interested in the free stuff from my swag bag (squeezable applesauce and a bag of chocolate mini eggs!) than they were in the gifts I had purchased just for them, but still they happily tucked their pretty new lacy fluffs into the bucket of accessories that sits on their dresser.

Something kind of fun and interesting that my children and their friends do is swap stuff with each other. It’s not unusual at all for them to come home from hanging out with friends with hands full of goodies passed along to them. Usually it’s a stuffed animal or a drawing book or some other little treat that their friends happily gave away. Likewise, I’m always delighted to see items from our copious collections of stuff walking out the door into a new home after a little friend visits here.

About a week after I got home from Nashville, my younger daughter decided she wanted to make a card for a special friend of hers—a friend from church who is several years older than my AJ, a sweet little girl who both of my daughters adore.

AJ decided that the card wasn’t enough; she wanted to give her friend a special present. No occasion, just because. And she had chosen the dark pink lacy fluff I had just given her as the gift to give to her friend.

I have to confess: I was hurt.

Now, I fully realize the weight of the irony here. I am, after all, the person who has shared with you on several occasions about how we can focus on less clutter, less stuff, and less angst over what to do about gifts. One might think that if there was any person who should recognize that the choice of whether or not to keep a gift that has been given has nothing to do with the depth of the relationship between gift-giver and gift-recipient, that person should be me.

Yet I found myself stuttering and stammering over my daughter’s decision to give away this little gift that I had put so much thought into giving her. I realized I was having one of those (often painful, yet much-needed) moments when my philosophy was meeting my reality. If I wouldn’t allow my daughter to give her friend a brand new gift that I had intended for her to her friend, what message would I be sending?

Would she be hearing from me that shabby cast-offs are fine for giving away, but we keep the best stuff for ourselves?

Or worse, would she be learning from my response that we have to hold on to things given to us by those we love, lest we hurt their feelings?

Day by day, decision by decision, response by response, we are shaping the view on life that our children will take with them when they grow up and leave our homes as independent individuals. We can speak with our words as much as we want to that people are more important than things, but if our actions don’t support that belief, then all of our talk is a meaningless waste of time and breath.

All too often, I get frustrated by how much stuff my children want to hang onto, and I fear that they too often err on the side of selfishness. Yet in this moment, my four-year-old was displaying a wonderful spirit of generosity, and I made the decision to honor that spirit.

So with a smile and my blessing, I watched AJ give to her friend this gift I had hoped she would want to enjoy herself. A little case of hurt feelings on my part is more than worth it to be able to cultivate in my children a generous spirit that will allow them to bless others, both today and in the years to come.

Have your children ever surprised you with their generosity? Last week, as part of Project Simplify, we focused on kids’ stuff. Did you discover within your children or yourself a more generous spirit than you had anticipated?

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Some of our favorite read-aloud chapter books

Tsh — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 05:01:41 +0000

Tate and I went out of town last week, and she had a ball spending most of her afternoons playing with friends and running in the sunshine. But in the evenings she’d wind down, and as grown-up as she seems to be lately (she’s 7 going on 17), her one request before slipping on her pajamas was this: “Mom, can you read Charlotte’s Web to me?”

This was important to her, even on a fun vacation. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, the girl also likes Phinneas & Ferb.) But she’s a decent reader for her age, and she enjoys tackling easier chapter books on her own (Magic Treehouse, Sideways Stories from Wayside School, and the like). From her infancy, we’ve ended our days snuggling and reading aloud. It’s her magical time where she can enter a world through her imagination, without having to “practice” her reading skills. All five of us are now often crammed on one bed to hear the evening’s story.

As Tate’s attention span has increased, so have our reading options—this means we often tackle chapter books with minimal pictures. Now, her two younger brothers still mostly listen to these types of books as they do other things, but that’s okay by me. I know at least the 4-year-old is listening. In his own way.

Here are some of our family’s favorite recent chapter books for reading aloud.

1. Charlotte’s Web

E.B. White has an eloquent command of language and sentence structure, so reading his stories aloud is pleasurable for both grownups and kids. In Charlotte’s Web, Wilbur the pig is articulate and thoughtful, the charming barnyard setting is idyllically calming, and the simple messages of friendship, loyalty, and imagination are applicable to any age.

Honestly, anything by E.B. White is a winner—we also loved reading Stuart Little aloud a few years ago.

2. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I thought about listing the entire Narnia series here, but I think The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is the most fun as an early read-aloud. Who doesn’t love the possibility that the back of your wardrobe is the portal to a winter wonderland? The whole series is full of great life analogies, so there’s plenty of conversation fodder around the dinner table. C.S. Lewis is one of my all-time favorite authors.

3. The Little House series

We read some of the Little House series out loud last year, when Tate was in kindergarten. At first, Kyle and I would alternate shifts reading the book. By the end, we were all captivated on the couch, listening about 19th century family life. These books aren’t just for girls—I know plenty of boys who love them.

4. Winnie the Pooh

I agree with Gladys Hunt—the Winnie the Pooh books are often relegated to the very young, and usually in abridged formats. This is unfortunate—A.A. Milne’s writing is rich with humor and language, and children of all ages shouldn’t miss hearing his words in the original, unabridged formats. Don’t think your kids are too old for these books. They’re quality. (Oh, and make sure you read the originals, not the Disney-fied versions.)

5. The Wrinkle in Time series

Tate just got the Wrinkle in Time book series for her birthday on Saturday, and I’m pretty sure I was as excited as she. These books were some of my favorites as a young girl—I remember lying on my bed, unable to stop turning the pages. The story completely sucked me in. Madeleine L’Engle is one of the great modern-day storytellers. I can’t wait to jump into these this week.

I also love the entire Harry Potter series, though we had to stop halfway through the second book as a read-aloud last year—Tate was starting to get a bit scared. We’ll probably pick them up again in a few years (though I read them myself, and they’re some of my all-time favorite fiction books).

Still on our list for this year are Little Women, The Penderwicks, The Hobbit, From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, and The Saturdays. Tate’s independent reading will include The Boxcar Children, Strawberry Girl, Ralph S. Mouse, The Cricket in Times Square, Betsy-Tacy, and of course, more Magic Treehouse.

Also—audiobooks are great for quiet times, listening to books in the car or while cleaning, or generally giving a parent’s voice a break. Head here to find tons and tons of free audiobook classics (they’re all in the public domain.)

C.S. Lewis once said, “No book is really worth reading at the age of 10 which is not equally worth reading at the age of 50 and beyond.” Don’t settle for less than excellent literature for your kids—there’s more than enough from which to choose. And I’ll bet you’ll love them just as much.

Alright, I know you can add to this list (I barely scratched the surface of ours!). What are your top favorite read-aloud chapter books?

(And hey, in full disclosure, the links in this post are affiliate links, which means if you click on them and then buy something, I’ll get a small percentage. It’s your way of helping support this blog. Just wanted you to know.)

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Words will never hurt me?!

Robin Dance — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:01:23 +0000

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

I‘m embarrassed to admit it, and its truth pains me, but I’m almost certain the people to whom I’ve spoken most hatefully are my own children and husband. I’ve wondered if I’m the only one who does this.

Why do the people I love most receive the worst treatment I have to offer? Thankfully, mean or impatient words are the exception, but with my upcoming extended separation from my children, I’m acutely aware of my propensity to speak in a less than loving manner; ironic, because I have such thin skin myself.

Two recent occurrences with my teen boys drove this point home–

• After my oldest son cleaned his room, I opened his closet door; it was no surprise his version of clean didn’t match mine. Irritated, I began organizing and cleaning out the war zone, only to be discovered by him mid-way through. He braced for mama wrath, instead caught off guard by my calm (not typical) response. Before all was said and done, we were finishing the work together–happily. I hadn’t even asked him to join me.

• My husband gave our youngest a jar of pennies he’s been saving for years, along with a stack of coin wrappers. Sitting at the kitchen table while I was making my way through a mile-long To-Do List, my son struggled to wrap the pennies without them collapsing; it was the first time he’s rolled coins. My initial response was frustration–why was he having difficulty with such a simple task?! “I knew how to roll coins since I was in grade school!” I thought, but thankfully stopped before those words made their way across my lips. Instead, I stopped what I was doing, sat beside him and showed him the best way to roll coins. I watched his frustration melt into understanding.

When children reach their teens, it’s easy to think they’re unaffected by harsh words. Don’t be deceived—your words and tone can wound them deeply. Consider the following:

1. Think and breathe before you speak.

Remember the old “Count to ten” adage? Not a bad idea when you’re frustrated with your teens. They’re expecting your fury; they know when they’ve pushed too far. Surprise them with kindness, an even tone and grace when they least expect it.

2. Don’t assume they can read your mind.

Like the case of my son rolling coins, I was frustrated he didn’t know how to do it by osmosis; because I knew, he should know. Consider their perspective and whether you’re projecting your experience onto them.

3. Tell them what they need to hear.

I am not suggesting insincere flattery or compliments where they aren’t warranted. But it’s likely your teenagers have been hurt by the cruel words of classmates, peers, or even teachers or coaches, so take every opportunity to counter those negatives with positives. Every teen needs to hear these things often from their parents:

I love you.
I’m proud of you (be specific when possible).
I’m sorry (when you’re clearly in the wrong).
I forgive you (when they’re clearly in the wrong).
You’re beautiful/handsome (they’re bombarded by TV, magazines, billboards and film with messages of false beauty; affirm their features, character, and personality traits, which speak to their inner beauty and are the things you like best about them).

Sometimes word void is more painful than word damage.

Have you ever been hurt or haunted by cruel words of others? In parenting, have you ever found yourself saying things you swore you never would? Think about one important message you want to impress upon your teen, and if you’re willing, share in comments.

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Everyday Ways to Foster Independence in Kids

Tsh — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:01:15 +0000

I feel that one of my main parenting jobs is to help my kids leave the nest knowing to look both ways before crossing the street, how to boil water, and that it’s a good thing to pay bills on time.

How to be a grown-up, in other words.

By the time my kids are young adults, my prayer is that they’ll understand the basics behind living in the real world, so that they can establish their own households responsibly and contribute positively to the world around them.

Baby steps. It’s got to be baby steps, because as I write this, only one of my children knows how to get their own pajamas on, and one of them still can’t leave my side for more than a few hours at a time before he needs milk again.

I’ve got a long time before my nest is empty. But baby steps are required for fostering independence in my kids, and it’s the little, daily things that add up to creating a young adult who isn’t scared of the world around her.

Here are some basic things we do to help foster independence in our little kids.

Tons of free play

Sure, we have scheduled play dates, and we’ve been known to enjoy the occasional library story time or ballet class at the Y. But far and away, most of our kids’ play time is unstructured, left to them to decide how and what to play.

Photo by Cameron Russell

Not only is it stressful to be a helicopter parent, it’s not healthy for kids. They need lots of time to be free-range, to make decisions and create their own imaginary worlds. Skinned knees build healthy confidence.

Our kids know their physical boundaries outside, and they’ve earned our trust. When it’s free time, they’re allowed to go in the backyard to do whatever, or also grab a book off the shelf and curl up on the stair landing, build a city out of blocks, or dig around the craft cabinet and make cards for their friends.

Daily independence in play leads to independence in other areas of life.

Let them get frustrated

A couple times per week, we let our kids play on our touch screen desktop computer. It comes with tons of age-appropriate games, along with the ability to create individual accounts so that we can pre-set where they can go on the Internet when they’re logged in. Add because it’s touch screen, and it’s really a useful tool for helping a young child learn how to use a computer and play independently—no need to mess with a mouse.

Our button-loving three-year-old loves this computer, so we help him sign in, select a game, and go to town. But that doesn’t mean Reed understands perfectly what to do. He’ll still get stuck, or not understand a game, or want to change coloring pages.

He does pretty well for his age, but sometimes he’s unsure what to do next. We let him figure it out on his own. We don’t let him needlessly suffer, and when he’s lost all self-control, we either show him how to do whatever it is he wants to do, or we move him on to something else.

But giving him that time to be frustrated is giving him the chance to do it himself. You know how toddlers are always saying, “Me do it.” Well, we want him to. So we provide a safe environment to “me do it.”

Let them work out conflict

Tate and Reed play well together, but that doesn’t mean it’s always roses. There are still daily arguments over him Godzilla-ing her tea party, or who gets which tree swing. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “REED!!!” from the six-year-old, or crying in a collapsed heap on the floor from the toddler.

Unless it’s a major deal, we let them deal with it. Sure, we intervene when we can tell it’s necessary, but we want them to learn how to democratically handle disagreements. Respectful voices are required, and Tate knows to clap her hands in frustration if Reed’s being a pill, which gives us the signal to come in and help. But for the most part, they’re on their own to decide what to play, who gets which toy, and who gets to be in charge.

Letting them handle their own conflicts has helped them play really well together. Hopefully this is laying a foundation for later dealing with a frustrating coworker, putting up with a less-than-perfect situation in real life, and handling disagreements with their spouses.

Speak to them naturally and take them seriously

Photo by Krystian Olszanski

We don’t baby talk in our family, so it always throws Tate off when an adult speaks to her in a childish way. From the get-go, we like to converse in a normal voice, talking to them in a way that speaks trust and confidence.

That doesn’t mean we sit around discussing the national debt or why Kafka’s works are epitomes of German existentialism. It means we ask them questions about the best part of their days, and probe deeper into their thoughts when they share surface-level answers. It means when they tell us something that matters, we don’t laugh it off, because it’s important to them.

When Tate tells me she had a bad day, I ask her why she thinks her day was bad. And then I take her answer seriously. If she tells me it’s because Nick wanted to play soccer on the playground instead of with her, I listen. And then I never, ever say something like, “Well, it’s really no big deal — it’s just one kid” or, “Just wait until you have much bigger problems.”

I try to put myself in her situation. I ask, “So why was that frustrating to you?” And then I listen to her answer.

If she pouts and asks why I won’t let her have cocoa mud muffins for breakfast (like she did just a few hours ago), I help her think through my logic. “Okay, let’s talk about why that sort of thing is a special treat. It’s got lots of sugar, right? Well, wouldn’t that be weird if I let you have something that’s basically dessert for breakfast? Sometimes it’s okay, but not all the time, right?” And then I let her share her thoughts. I don’t lecture with this sort of everyday situation.

“But I really like them,” she’ll say. “I know — that’s why you have them after having a day with mostly healthy food. They are good, aren’t they?” She made a valid point — I like them, too.

When we speak to our children like they have valid thoughts and ideas, we’re telling them we trust their instincts and ability to come to conclusions. It fosters independent thinking.

I know when I was a kid, I loved being around adults that treated me respectfully. I want my children to feel the same around me. What a blessing to (hopefully) see them move in to adulthood with tools to make wise decisions, and to think critically without being told how to think.

Provide safe situations for little kids to flex their independent muscles now, and when they’re older, they’ll know how to use those muscles when it really counts.

Awhile ago, many of you shared your thoughts on how “free-range” you let your kids go — there are great comments in this post.

For more to chew on, some of my favorite books about fostering independence are Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv (an absolute must-read), and Free-Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy.

What everyday things do you do in your family to foster independence?

This post was first published on January 14, 2011.

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Adoption: Our Family’s Story

Katie Fox — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:01:08 +0000

A note from Tsh: I love my assistant, Katie, and I love her family—and I also love their story. I found it worth telling, so I’m honored to have her share it today…

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” – Mother Theresa

Next month, our family will complete a journey that started almost exactly two years ago. Actually, I suppose it began seven years ago, when my husband and I were first engaged to be married, dreaming about our future together and wondering where the road ahead would take us.

One of the dreams we shared was adoption; we were both very interested in adopting a child someday. But to me, “someday” meant when I was much, much older and wiser…way down that road ahead.

Flash forward five years: suddenly, there we were with a two-and-a-half year old biological daughter, and we were ready to start thinking about baby number two! We wanted to expand our family, we wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and we knew we had more love to give.

However, in the previous few years, our world had changed, and we now found ourselves surrounded by a community of people that both valued and practiced orphan care – with a passion. In addition, our church family was and is full of adoptive families. Being around them took some of the fear and mystery out of the adoption process, and made it seem, well, pretty normal and definitely do-able.

Fact: It is now estimated there are 163 million orphans around the world. That is 19 times the population of New York City.*

Photo by stevendepolo

In some ways, making the decision to adopt came pretty easily. We knew we wanted to have another child, we didn’t necessarily feel that we needed to have another biological child, and we knew that caring for orphans was a part of our calling as followers of Christ. In the Bible, James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans…”

But in other ways, it was a difficult choice. For example, we had basically no money to fund an adoption. We had many questions: are we old and wise enough? (ha!) What if our extended families aren’t supportive? What if I don’t love my adopted child as much as I love our biological daughter? What if he/she doesn’t love us?

Fact: In the United States, there are approximately 500,000 children in the foster care system. About 130,000 of them are available to be adopted at any given time.*

We worked through our fears and our doubts, surrounded by and with the help of a fabulous community, and also by taking advantage of many different resources. We eventually decided, for various reasons, to pursue an international adoption in Colombia. In October, we were officially matched with our little girl, Luisa, and we will leave in mid-January to go meet her and bring her home.

Fact: More than 15 million children have lost one or both parents to AIDS.*

Photo by stevendepolo

For anyone considering adoption, financial constraints should never be a reason to say no. Really. People told us that, and I found it hard to believe, but it’s true. There are grants, loans, tax credits, and for us, there was lots and lots of creative fundraising.

We also received many donations from people who love us – and quite a few from people who don’t even know us! (Thank you so much!!!) That has been the most amazing thing for us in this whole process – just to watch and see the way that God has provided for our daughter through the funding of her adoption into our family. It has strengthened our faith like nothing else.

“God sets the lonely in families.” – Psalm 68:6

I said that next month we would complete this journey, but the truth is that it’s just beginning. We still don’t know everything that lies ahead; we still don’t have the answers to all of our questions and doubts. We know there will be hard conversations and grief and tears and mourning. But we have no doubt that there will also be joy and laughter and redemption and hope. For this we are so thankful, and we look down the road ahead with great anticipation.

At our church, we learned that if just 7% of Christian families in the world would adopt a child, we could eliminate the orphan crisis worldwide. And that’s just Christian families! Imagine what could happen if every family that wants a child would consider adopting an orphan. Would you consider it?

*Statistics from toomanymillion.org, a website of Together for Adoption

Resources that were helpful for us:
Together for Adoption
The ABBA Fund
Loving Shepherd Ministries
Empowered to Connect

Have you ever considered adoption? What are your thoughts?

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When parenting means steering into the skid

Megan — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:01:34 +0000

Written by Megan Tietz of Sorta Crunchy

I closed the door to our bedroom, tip-toed to the far side of the bed and sat down quietly on the floor. From the living room, I could hear my four-year-old daughter screeching at me to come help her with her computer game.

Here I was, the parent who so attentively responded to her cries when she was an infant, the mother who gently led her through the wilds of toddlerhood, the person who has written more than once on positive, proactive parenting—literally hiding from my preschooler and her constant crankiness.

It was not my finest moment.

We’ve been going through a rough patch lately, and I know this season is universal to the experience of parenting. It’s easy to get caught in a frustrating cycle: the more she pushes, the more I pull back.

A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany when my father’s advice about navigating hazardous road conditions began to ring in my ears: “You’ve got to steer into the skid.”

Photo by Mish Bradley

When your child goes through a difficult phase, it’s challenging for even the most dedicated of positive parents to stay the course. It’s easy to implement all we know about healthy, proactive parenting when the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming, but when the road is covered in ice and you just can’t seem to get any traction anywhere, well, it’s easy to spin out.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that much of the advice given to drivers navigating hazardous road conditions actually speaks quite perfectly to parents who are navigating the precarious parts of parenting that are inevitable in the life of every family.

Avoid going too fast.

Driving experts say that most icy road collisions could be avoided if drivers just slowed down. When I thought about when this difficult phase with my preschooler began, I realized it coincided with increased busyness in my life. As my book’s big deadline neared, I found myself flying past my daughter with a kiss on her forehead and “I sure love you!”, but little else in the way of true connection.

Kids are more sensitive to changes in pace than we are, and a sudden plunge into misbehavior may be a warning signal that as a parent or as a family, things are moving too fast.

Leave plenty of space.

Photo by Tony the Misfit

It’s pivotal to leave enough space between your car and the others when roads are dicey. When parenting a child through a rough patch, the same idea holds true: it’s pivotal to make space for them.

When my child pushes me with her bad behavior choices, my natural instinct is to pull back and cut her off. But as a positive parent, I know that disruptive behavior is often an indicator of a disconnect between the parent and child.

The tricky part is putting that theory into practice and intentionally creating meaningful, dedicated space where she and I can genuinely connect.

Anticipate problem spots.

My friend Laura and her family recently road tripped from Indiana to Oklahoma to hang out with our family for a few days. We were amused by their curiosity about the “Do Not Drive Into Smoke” caution signs that mark certain stretches of Oklahoma highways. Grassfires are a common event in our state, and motorists are warned repeatedly not to drive into smoke that may have engulfed the road.

I’m guessing that the highway departments of each state have put time and money into signaling potential problem areas to drivers, be it smoke, ice, construction, curves, or blind spots. As parents, we are uniquely equipped to anticipate the problem spots that trigger chancy conditions with our children.

For example, it’s difficult to take my daughter to the grocery store this time of the year. Toys and glittery lights and sugar-laden treats on every aisle practically guarantee a serious case of can-I-have-this-itis. I’ve learned to navigate this problem spot by either going to the store solo, or by reinforcing boundaries and expectations beforehand.

Steer into the skid

Photo by KSDigital

When a car goes into a skid, the natural impulse is to jerk the wheel. We want to resist the scary loss of control and oftentimes over-correct, which is just as dangerous. And isn’t that the case with parenting? Correcting behavior issues is important of course, but in the midst of a troubled phase, sometimes the best approach really is to turn loose of the resistance and intentionally steer into the skid.

What does this look like in action? Find ways to re-establish the connection with your child. Pursue physical connection with more hugs, snuggles, and cuddles. Invite emotional connection by being purposeful with eye contact and authentic conversation. Develop spiritual connection by engaging in activities that allow your child’s spirit to soar.

As I’ve confessed to you, no one knows more than I do that sometimes it feels easier to hide. And to be honest, sometimes I need a Mommy Time-In before I’m equipped to parent through perilous parenting moments.

But once I am centered and re-focused on helping my child navigate her big feelings, I’m better able to the healthy and helpful parent she needs.

We can talk about positive parenting all we want, but until our philosophies have been tested by the stormy weather of difficult childhood phases, it’s all just talk. Putting positive parenting to the test when it would be easier to hide, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.

What is your go-to strategy when your children are going through a difficult phase? What specific examples can you share about what steering into the skid looks like as you parent your little ones?

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