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Words will never hurt me?!

Robin Dance — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:01:23 +0000

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

I‘m embarrassed to admit it, and its truth pains me, but I’m almost certain the people to whom I’ve spoken most hatefully are my own children and husband. I’ve wondered if I’m the only one who does this.

Why do the people I love most receive the worst treatment I have to offer? Thankfully, mean or impatient words are the exception, but with my upcoming extended separation from my children, I’m acutely aware of my propensity to speak in a less than loving manner; ironic, because I have such thin skin myself.

Two recent occurrences with my teen boys drove this point home–

• After my oldest son cleaned his room, I opened his closet door; it was no surprise his version of clean didn’t match mine. Irritated, I began organizing and cleaning out the war zone, only to be discovered by him mid-way through. He braced for mama wrath, instead caught off guard by my calm (not typical) response. Before all was said and done, we were finishing the work together–happily. I hadn’t even asked him to join me.

• My husband gave our youngest a jar of pennies he’s been saving for years, along with a stack of coin wrappers. Sitting at the kitchen table while I was making my way through a mile-long To-Do List, my son struggled to wrap the pennies without them collapsing; it was the first time he’s rolled coins. My initial response was frustration–why was he having difficulty with such a simple task?! “I knew how to roll coins since I was in grade school!” I thought, but thankfully stopped before those words made their way across my lips. Instead, I stopped what I was doing, sat beside him and showed him the best way to roll coins. I watched his frustration melt into understanding.

When children reach their teens, it’s easy to think they’re unaffected by harsh words. Don’t be deceived—your words and tone can wound them deeply. Consider the following:

1. Think and breathe before you speak.

Remember the old “Count to ten” adage? Not a bad idea when you’re frustrated with your teens. They’re expecting your fury; they know when they’ve pushed too far. Surprise them with kindness, an even tone and grace when they least expect it.

2. Don’t assume they can read your mind.

Like the case of my son rolling coins, I was frustrated he didn’t know how to do it by osmosis; because I knew, he should know. Consider their perspective and whether you’re projecting your experience onto them.

3. Tell them what they need to hear.

I am not suggesting insincere flattery or compliments where they aren’t warranted. But it’s likely your teenagers have been hurt by the cruel words of classmates, peers, or even teachers or coaches, so take every opportunity to counter those negatives with positives. Every teen needs to hear these things often from their parents:

I love you.
I’m proud of you (be specific when possible).
I’m sorry (when you’re clearly in the wrong).
I forgive you (when they’re clearly in the wrong).
You’re beautiful/handsome (they’re bombarded by TV, magazines, billboards and film with messages of false beauty; affirm their features, character, and personality traits, which speak to their inner beauty and are the things you like best about them).

Sometimes word void is more painful than word damage.

Have you ever been hurt or haunted by cruel words of others? In parenting, have you ever found yourself saying things you swore you never would? Think about one important message you want to impress upon your teen, and if you’re willing, share in comments.

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Everyday Ways to Foster Independence in Kids

Tsh — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:01:15 +0000

I feel that one of my main parenting jobs is to help my kids leave the nest knowing to look both ways before crossing the street, how to boil water, and that it’s a good thing to pay bills on time.

How to be a grown-up, in other words.

By the time my kids are young adults, my prayer is that they’ll understand the basics behind living in the real world, so that they can establish their own households responsibly and contribute positively to the world around them.

Baby steps. It’s got to be baby steps, because as I write this, only one of my children knows how to get their own pajamas on, and one of them still can’t leave my side for more than a few hours at a time before he needs milk again.

I’ve got a long time before my nest is empty. But baby steps are required for fostering independence in my kids, and it’s the little, daily things that add up to creating a young adult who isn’t scared of the world around her.

Here are some basic things we do to help foster independence in our little kids.

Tons of free play

Sure, we have scheduled play dates, and we’ve been known to enjoy the occasional library story time or ballet class at the Y. But far and away, most of our kids’ play time is unstructured, left to them to decide how and what to play.

Photo by Cameron Russell

Not only is it stressful to be a helicopter parent, it’s not healthy for kids. They need lots of time to be free-range, to make decisions and create their own imaginary worlds. Skinned knees build healthy confidence.

Our kids know their physical boundaries outside, and they’ve earned our trust. When it’s free time, they’re allowed to go in the backyard to do whatever, or also grab a book off the shelf and curl up on the stair landing, build a city out of blocks, or dig around the craft cabinet and make cards for their friends.

Daily independence in play leads to independence in other areas of life.

Let them get frustrated

A couple times per week, we let our kids play on our touch screen desktop computer. It comes with tons of age-appropriate games, along with the ability to create individual accounts so that we can pre-set where they can go on the Internet when they’re logged in. Add because it’s touch screen, and it’s really a useful tool for helping a young child learn how to use a computer and play independently—no need to mess with a mouse.

Our button-loving three-year-old loves this computer, so we help him sign in, select a game, and go to town. But that doesn’t mean Reed understands perfectly what to do. He’ll still get stuck, or not understand a game, or want to change coloring pages.

He does pretty well for his age, but sometimes he’s unsure what to do next. We let him figure it out on his own. We don’t let him needlessly suffer, and when he’s lost all self-control, we either show him how to do whatever it is he wants to do, or we move him on to something else.

But giving him that time to be frustrated is giving him the chance to do it himself. You know how toddlers are always saying, “Me do it.” Well, we want him to. So we provide a safe environment to “me do it.”

Let them work out conflict

Tate and Reed play well together, but that doesn’t mean it’s always roses. There are still daily arguments over him Godzilla-ing her tea party, or who gets which tree swing. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “REED!!!” from the six-year-old, or crying in a collapsed heap on the floor from the toddler.

Unless it’s a major deal, we let them deal with it. Sure, we intervene when we can tell it’s necessary, but we want them to learn how to democratically handle disagreements. Respectful voices are required, and Tate knows to clap her hands in frustration if Reed’s being a pill, which gives us the signal to come in and help. But for the most part, they’re on their own to decide what to play, who gets which toy, and who gets to be in charge.

Letting them handle their own conflicts has helped them play really well together. Hopefully this is laying a foundation for later dealing with a frustrating coworker, putting up with a less-than-perfect situation in real life, and handling disagreements with their spouses.

Speak to them naturally and take them seriously

Photo by Krystian Olszanski

We don’t baby talk in our family, so it always throws Tate off when an adult speaks to her in a childish way. From the get-go, we like to converse in a normal voice, talking to them in a way that speaks trust and confidence.

That doesn’t mean we sit around discussing the national debt or why Kafka’s works are epitomes of German existentialism. It means we ask them questions about the best part of their days, and probe deeper into their thoughts when they share surface-level answers. It means when they tell us something that matters, we don’t laugh it off, because it’s important to them.

When Tate tells me she had a bad day, I ask her why she thinks her day was bad. And then I take her answer seriously. If she tells me it’s because Nick wanted to play soccer on the playground instead of with her, I listen. And then I never, ever say something like, “Well, it’s really no big deal — it’s just one kid” or, “Just wait until you have much bigger problems.”

I try to put myself in her situation. I ask, “So why was that frustrating to you?” And then I listen to her answer.

If she pouts and asks why I won’t let her have cocoa mud muffins for breakfast (like she did just a few hours ago), I help her think through my logic. “Okay, let’s talk about why that sort of thing is a special treat. It’s got lots of sugar, right? Well, wouldn’t that be weird if I let you have something that’s basically dessert for breakfast? Sometimes it’s okay, but not all the time, right?” And then I let her share her thoughts. I don’t lecture with this sort of everyday situation.

“But I really like them,” she’ll say. “I know — that’s why you have them after having a day with mostly healthy food. They are good, aren’t they?” She made a valid point — I like them, too.

When we speak to our children like they have valid thoughts and ideas, we’re telling them we trust their instincts and ability to come to conclusions. It fosters independent thinking.

I know when I was a kid, I loved being around adults that treated me respectfully. I want my children to feel the same around me. What a blessing to (hopefully) see them move in to adulthood with tools to make wise decisions, and to think critically without being told how to think.

Provide safe situations for little kids to flex their independent muscles now, and when they’re older, they’ll know how to use those muscles when it really counts.

Awhile ago, many of you shared your thoughts on how “free-range” you let your kids go — there are great comments in this post.

For more to chew on, some of my favorite books about fostering independence are Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv (an absolute must-read), and Free-Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy.

What everyday things do you do in your family to foster independence?

This post was first published on January 14, 2011.

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Adoption: Our Family’s Story

Katie Fox — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:01:08 +0000

A note from Tsh: I love my assistant, Katie, and I love her family—and I also love their story. I found it worth telling, so I’m honored to have her share it today…

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” – Mother Theresa

Next month, our family will complete a journey that started almost exactly two years ago. Actually, I suppose it began seven years ago, when my husband and I were first engaged to be married, dreaming about our future together and wondering where the road ahead would take us.

One of the dreams we shared was adoption; we were both very interested in adopting a child someday. But to me, “someday” meant when I was much, much older and wiser…way down that road ahead.

Flash forward five years: suddenly, there we were with a two-and-a-half year old biological daughter, and we were ready to start thinking about baby number two! We wanted to expand our family, we wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and we knew we had more love to give.

However, in the previous few years, our world had changed, and we now found ourselves surrounded by a community of people that both valued and practiced orphan care – with a passion. In addition, our church family was and is full of adoptive families. Being around them took some of the fear and mystery out of the adoption process, and made it seem, well, pretty normal and definitely do-able.

Fact: It is now estimated there are 163 million orphans around the world. That is 19 times the population of New York City.*

Photo by stevendepolo

In some ways, making the decision to adopt came pretty easily. We knew we wanted to have another child, we didn’t necessarily feel that we needed to have another biological child, and we knew that caring for orphans was a part of our calling as followers of Christ. In the Bible, James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans…”

But in other ways, it was a difficult choice. For example, we had basically no money to fund an adoption. We had many questions: are we old and wise enough? (ha!) What if our extended families aren’t supportive? What if I don’t love my adopted child as much as I love our biological daughter? What if he/she doesn’t love us?

Fact: In the United States, there are approximately 500,000 children in the foster care system. About 130,000 of them are available to be adopted at any given time.*

We worked through our fears and our doubts, surrounded by and with the help of a fabulous community, and also by taking advantage of many different resources. We eventually decided, for various reasons, to pursue an international adoption in Colombia. In October, we were officially matched with our little girl, Luisa, and we will leave in mid-January to go meet her and bring her home.

Fact: More than 15 million children have lost one or both parents to AIDS.*

Photo by stevendepolo

For anyone considering adoption, financial constraints should never be a reason to say no. Really. People told us that, and I found it hard to believe, but it’s true. There are grants, loans, tax credits, and for us, there was lots and lots of creative fundraising.

We also received many donations from people who love us – and quite a few from people who don’t even know us! (Thank you so much!!!) That has been the most amazing thing for us in this whole process – just to watch and see the way that God has provided for our daughter through the funding of her adoption into our family. It has strengthened our faith like nothing else.

“God sets the lonely in families.” – Psalm 68:6

I said that next month we would complete this journey, but the truth is that it’s just beginning. We still don’t know everything that lies ahead; we still don’t have the answers to all of our questions and doubts. We know there will be hard conversations and grief and tears and mourning. But we have no doubt that there will also be joy and laughter and redemption and hope. For this we are so thankful, and we look down the road ahead with great anticipation.

At our church, we learned that if just 7% of Christian families in the world would adopt a child, we could eliminate the orphan crisis worldwide. And that’s just Christian families! Imagine what could happen if every family that wants a child would consider adopting an orphan. Would you consider it?

*Statistics from toomanymillion.org, a website of Together for Adoption

Resources that were helpful for us:
Together for Adoption
The ABBA Fund
Loving Shepherd Ministries
Empowered to Connect

Have you ever considered adoption? What are your thoughts?

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When parenting means steering into the skid

Megan — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:01:34 +0000

Written by Megan Tietz of Sorta Crunchy

I closed the door to our bedroom, tip-toed to the far side of the bed and sat down quietly on the floor. From the living room, I could hear my four-year-old daughter screeching at me to come help her with her computer game.

Here I was, the parent who so attentively responded to her cries when she was an infant, the mother who gently led her through the wilds of toddlerhood, the person who has written more than once on positive, proactive parenting—literally hiding from my preschooler and her constant crankiness.

It was not my finest moment.

We’ve been going through a rough patch lately, and I know this season is universal to the experience of parenting. It’s easy to get caught in a frustrating cycle: the more she pushes, the more I pull back.

A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany when my father’s advice about navigating hazardous road conditions began to ring in my ears: “You’ve got to steer into the skid.”

Photo by Mish Bradley

When your child goes through a difficult phase, it’s challenging for even the most dedicated of positive parents to stay the course. It’s easy to implement all we know about healthy, proactive parenting when the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming, but when the road is covered in ice and you just can’t seem to get any traction anywhere, well, it’s easy to spin out.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that much of the advice given to drivers navigating hazardous road conditions actually speaks quite perfectly to parents who are navigating the precarious parts of parenting that are inevitable in the life of every family.

Avoid going too fast.

Driving experts say that most icy road collisions could be avoided if drivers just slowed down. When I thought about when this difficult phase with my preschooler began, I realized it coincided with increased busyness in my life. As my book’s big deadline neared, I found myself flying past my daughter with a kiss on her forehead and “I sure love you!”, but little else in the way of true connection.

Kids are more sensitive to changes in pace than we are, and a sudden plunge into misbehavior may be a warning signal that as a parent or as a family, things are moving too fast.

Leave plenty of space.

Photo by Tony the Misfit

It’s pivotal to leave enough space between your car and the others when roads are dicey. When parenting a child through a rough patch, the same idea holds true: it’s pivotal to make space for them.

When my child pushes me with her bad behavior choices, my natural instinct is to pull back and cut her off. But as a positive parent, I know that disruptive behavior is often an indicator of a disconnect between the parent and child.

The tricky part is putting that theory into practice and intentionally creating meaningful, dedicated space where she and I can genuinely connect.

Anticipate problem spots.

My friend Laura and her family recently road tripped from Indiana to Oklahoma to hang out with our family for a few days. We were amused by their curiosity about the “Do Not Drive Into Smoke” caution signs that mark certain stretches of Oklahoma highways. Grassfires are a common event in our state, and motorists are warned repeatedly not to drive into smoke that may have engulfed the road.

I’m guessing that the highway departments of each state have put time and money into signaling potential problem areas to drivers, be it smoke, ice, construction, curves, or blind spots. As parents, we are uniquely equipped to anticipate the problem spots that trigger chancy conditions with our children.

For example, it’s difficult to take my daughter to the grocery store this time of the year. Toys and glittery lights and sugar-laden treats on every aisle practically guarantee a serious case of can-I-have-this-itis. I’ve learned to navigate this problem spot by either going to the store solo, or by reinforcing boundaries and expectations beforehand.

Steer into the skid

Photo by KSDigital

When a car goes into a skid, the natural impulse is to jerk the wheel. We want to resist the scary loss of control and oftentimes over-correct, which is just as dangerous. And isn’t that the case with parenting? Correcting behavior issues is important of course, but in the midst of a troubled phase, sometimes the best approach really is to turn loose of the resistance and intentionally steer into the skid.

What does this look like in action? Find ways to re-establish the connection with your child. Pursue physical connection with more hugs, snuggles, and cuddles. Invite emotional connection by being purposeful with eye contact and authentic conversation. Develop spiritual connection by engaging in activities that allow your child’s spirit to soar.

As I’ve confessed to you, no one knows more than I do that sometimes it feels easier to hide. And to be honest, sometimes I need a Mommy Time-In before I’m equipped to parent through perilous parenting moments.

But once I am centered and re-focused on helping my child navigate her big feelings, I’m better able to the healthy and helpful parent she needs.

We can talk about positive parenting all we want, but until our philosophies have been tested by the stormy weather of difficult childhood phases, it’s all just talk. Putting positive parenting to the test when it would be easier to hide, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.

What is your go-to strategy when your children are going through a difficult phase? What specific examples can you share about what steering into the skid looks like as you parent your little ones?

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What’s your definition of successful parenting?

Robin Dance — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 04:01:58 +0000

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

Mary Jane was the first person I ever hired, and I vividly recall her response to my question about her greatest accomplishment:

“Raising my two sons to be responsible adults, both out of college with meaningful careers, considerate of and generous to others, and one now married and expecting his first baby.”

It wasn’t the rehearsed answer I anticipated, and it set her apart from the other less mature applicants. Like two strangers at a wedding, it was an exchange that began constructing a framework for my parenting philosophy when my babies were merely eye twinkles:

I now knew my end game.

You don’t raise your little children to become bigger children, you raise them to become adults. I’d wager the majority of parents agree with that sentiment, but realizing it early on and allowing it to inform how you parent is key.

There’s a constant parenting push and pull—eagerly anticipating and celebrating markers and milestones, while resisting time’s swift flight.

Focusing on the bulls eye makes a difference in hitting the target.

In your children, you have opportunity to shape the future. Your goal isn’t to build automatons who merely parrot your views because they think that’s what you want to hear. When you reach the heart of a teen and…

teach him to consider others with his choices,
impress upon her that there are consequences to actions,
and train your children to respond reasonably rather than react emotionally to challenges

…you’re raising a responsible adult who will contribute to culture and community.

If you’re a long-time Simple Mom reader, you’re already familiar with her suggestion to write a family mission statement. Although that thought never occurred to me when our children were toddlers, it can apply to parenting, too.

• Decide with your spouse those qualities and character traits most important to you both. Be sure your parenting choices are consistent with those qualities.

• Emulate the character you’d like your children to exhibit. More is caught than taught.

• The devil is in the details, so don’t get bogged down with anything formal or confining. Be flexible to accommodate change of circumstance and conviction.

• Open communication with your spouse and children is essential. No one is a mind reader.

Photo by Erin MC Hammer

All this can be put another way: how do you know you’ve arrived if you don’t know where you’re going?

While that might be an oversimplification of parenting “success,” and I don’t think you’ll ever “arrive” because parenting, in some capacity, never ends, I do think it’s beneficial to the family and society to have goals in mind as you parent.

Parenting with intention means you’re aware of the motive behind your choices and you’re leading rather than reacting; parenting with an end goal means you’ve determined a measure for success and your decisions support that goal.

Success defined by America’s standard is largely material. But to me, parenting “success” is much more important. I’m thankful Mary Jane seeded that thought.

It’s important to add that you can do everything “right” as a parent and still have children stray; likewise, you can be a miserable excuse of a parent and have your children turn out wonderfully. Nothing is certain. But because I think being a mom is the most important job on the planet, I’m going to do everything I can with what I’ve got.

Last month, I wrote a series called 31 Days of Parenting Teens and Tweens. If you’d like to read more, click the button and scroll through the entire series.

Your turn: What is your definition of “successful parenting”? Would you say you’re parenting with that in mind?

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Giving Your Children a Global Perspective

Jamie — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 04:01:03 +0000

Photo by Peter Harris

Written by Jamie Martin of Simple Homeschool and Steady Mom.

The world is changing. Technology has connected continents like never before. Within seconds, we hear about triumphs or tragedies happening in faraway places. With this amazing knowledge comes a deep responsibility.

This is the world in which our children live. We have the privilege of introducing them to its beauties, its cultures, and even its challenges. Our kids can become the world’s problem solvers, providing they’ve developed a compassionate heart and an international mindset.

It’s easy for all of us – mothers and children alike – to be mostly concerned with ourselves, our needs, and our own countries. But a personal, intentional connection with the world broadens our horizons, keeps our problems in perspective, and supplies us with ideas to positively impact others.

A global perspective eliminates a “them” and “us” mentality – when we realize that those around the planet cherish similar hopes and dreams as our own, it makes the world a smaller place. A place our children can influence and help.

Photo by John Haslam

Global-mindedness is a given in our family, which has been blessed by diversity. My biological son and I were born in the USA; my husband’s originally from England, and we have two children through international adoption – Elijah (born in Liberia) and Trishna (born in India).

Other cultures are as much a natural part of our life as breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But no matter where you or your children were born – you can have a globally-minded family as well.

Here are six easy and fun ways to do so.

1. Eat!

Photo by Michael Johnson

Most cities have a variety of ethnic restaurants, so take the opportunity to expose your children to various cuisines. Consider an “International Day” once a month based around a country’s holidays, and prepare a diverse meal or dessert at home. Let your kids take turns deciding which country’s delicacies to sample next.

Helpful Links:

2. Listen and repeat.

When you have the chance, let your children hear those who speak another language. Listen to CDs with songs that introduce your little ones to the language of their choice. The goal isn’t necessarily fluency – just exposure and interest. Many kids’ DVDs have dubbed languages – let your child watch once in English (to grasp the plot) and once in another language.

3. Discuss.

When appropriate, talk with your children about what is going on in the world. Learn about various countries that interest you. Have a map or globe you can pull off a shelf and locate a place you hear about. Make global awareness a natural part of your life.

4. Read.

Me, reading with my kids

There are many books that can introduce your family to places far from home. Some of our favorites include A Life Like Mine, Children Just Like Me, and The Lion Storyteller (World Folk Tales). Libraries are teeming with these and similar choices.

5. Watch and play.

Rent or buy documentaries for your children that explore new cultures. Our favorite series is The Little Travelers, a show that follows two young girls as they discover new countries with their mother. This has inspired much imaginative play in our house – my three little people love pretending to be travelers headed to various locations on their “plane” (also known as the sofa).

6. Go!

Only about 25 percent of Americans own passports. I understand some of the reasons: our country is vast and many people vacation within states. You don’t have to travel to form a global mindset, but there’s an awareness that comes from “being there” that’s harder to grasp in other ways.

Our goal is that our children travel to a minimum of one foreign country by the time they graduate and leave home. We hope the number will be even more than one. Yes, it might require financial planning and sacrifice, but the education and exposure our kids receive will far surpass the investment.

Introducing children to other cultures can enrich families in so many ways. It enlarges our worldview and alters our perspective. Through learning about others we grow to know ourselves even more, and we discover more about the beautiful planet of which we’re stewards.

Our children will be the ones to inherit these lands – let’s prepare and equip them with knowledge, passion, and curiosity to influence and bring a positive change to our world.

If money was no object, what country/culture would you like to explore with your children?

This post was first published on September 18, 2009.

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A Birthday Alternative: Less Stuff, More Fun

Megan — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 04:01:36 +0000

Written by kids contributor Megan Tietz of Sorta Crunchy.

September brings a birthday celebration in our home. Our younger daughter turned two this month, so I have had birthday parties on my mind. As I purged the toys in our playroom before her birthday arrived, I thought about how quickly we accumulate stuff.

Thinking about all that stuff reminded me of The Story of Stuff, a short but powerful look at consumerism and consumption in Western culture.

At the close of this short film, the audience is challenged to consider doing things “another way”. I realized it was time for my family to have an alternative approach to birthday celebrations.

Here are nine ideas for “another way” to celebrate birthdays.

Invitations

1. Go handmade.

Rather than purchasing pre-made, impersonal party invitations by the pack, personalize the invite by sending invitations created by your child. Most families have some child-created art around the house—this is the perfect opportunity to repurpose it for new life. Drawings could be mod-podged onto cardstock and slipped into envelopes, or you could turn your children lose with some glitter, glue, and paper and let the festive muse inspire.

2. Go electronic.

Create and send online invitations via Evite. Of course, if you wanted to really go back-to-the basics, you could rely on good old-fashioned email to spread the word about your child’s party. This is a great waste-free alternative to the mailed invitation.

photo by D Sharon Pruitt

Activities

3. Give back.

Plan activities that will honor a person, group, business, or service that brings happiness to your child.

If your toddler delights in story time at the public library, have the guests create a giant card to say “thank you” to the librarians and library staff. If your preschooler is fascinated with fire trucks, invite party guests to make several batches of cookies or other sweet treats to deliver to the local fire department.

Be creative. This is a wonderful way to celebrate the little things that bring joy to your child without bringing more stuff into your home.

4. Bless others.

Pick a charity or relief organization focused on children, and at the party, create something to donate to your chosen organization.

For example, find a simple stuffed animal pattern before the party, and gather the materials needed for each guest to create one (repurpose material you already have around the house). Party guests can each create one of the stuffed animals.

While they create the animals, talk to the guests about the organization you and your children have chosen to bless.

Ideas for simple projects include these wee easy stuffed animals or one of these stuffed animal crafts.

5. Go simple.

Really simple! Don’t buy a single thing for any of the party’s activities. Encourage adults at the party to teach the guests some of their favorite and “vintage” party games. Turn everyone loose outside for freeze tag, or have the adults create a scavenger hunt. Challenge yourself to cut out any unnecessary stuff when it comes to party activities.

Food

photo by ilkerender

6. Celebrate local food.

Shop the farmers’ market, food co-ops, roadside stands, and local farms for fresh produce, and plan the party menu around whatever is in season. Sweet potatoes in season? Why not serve sweet potato pie? Summer birthdays can be celebrated with a blueberry cobbler made from blueberries gathered at the local U-Pick. Orange ginger cookies would be wonderful for a winter birthday.

This is a sweet and inviting way to advocate buying locally and eating seasonally.

Gifts

7. Ask for handmade well wishes.

If your focus is on less stuff, the issue of gifts will have to be addressed. To take a really bold action against consumption, you could ask guests to forgo traditional gifts.

Rather than showering the guest of honor with toys or clothes, ask each guest to bring a letter-sized paper filled with words and pictures that celebrate the birthday child. Collages, poems, songs, inside jokes, and favorite memories could fill pages that you could slip into a photo album after the party.

Rather than bringing in more “stuff” that will eventually be tossed or outgrown, your child would have a tangible reminder of his value and worth.

8. Ask for a gift to donate to charity.

When my friend Angela’s youngest daughter turned one, she asked guests to bring a donation to the local crisis pregnancy center in lieu of more toys for the birthday girl.

Consider the organizations that are in need of donations in your community, and invite party guests to partner with your family in meeting the needs of others.

9. Give gift ideas to the insistent.

Some guests will insist on bringing a gift for the Birthday Girl. If a friend or family member really wants to buy a present for the child, the most loving response is gracious acceptance.

When someone asks for gift suggestions, let them know you’re open to pre-loved toys or clothes from resale shops. Those who want to buy something brand new could be directed to local merchants and small businesses, or to online venues which feature handmade toys and clothes (such as Etsy or Hyena Cart.

In some social circles, birthday parties can turn into competitions of extravagance and—ultimately—waste. It takes courage and conviction to stand apart from the crowd and choose to celebrate another way. I can’t help but believe the alternative path here is one of deep satisfaction and meaningful reward.

What are your ideas for avoiding birthday party insanity? Do any of these suggestions sound extreme to you, or do you feel like a different type of party would be a welcome relief?

This post was first published on September 16, 2009.

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Get the Job Done (episode 7 of The Simple Mom Podcast!)

Tsh — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 15:49:27 +0000

Just a quick note to let you know episode 6 of The Simple Mom Podcast is live! Head over to Homefries and click on the play button near the bottom (it has a triangle), or you can find it directly at iTunes—just search for the podcast’s name. I’m chatting again Jessica Fisher, writer behind Life as MOM and Good Cheap Eats. We’re talking about potty training (she’s got experience—she has 6 kids!), freezer meals, homeschooling, and divine orchestrating on an airplane.

So grab your laundry pile and get folding, because now you’ve got some fun listening! (And don’t forget—if you like the podcast, leave a comment telling us so over at iTunes. Thanks!)

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Plan to Eat - meal planning made simple.
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Get the Job Done (episode 7 of The Simple Mom Podcast!) is a post from Simple Mom

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No Kids Allowed (or, the next Simple Mom Podcast episode is live!)

Tsh — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 04:01:49 +0000

Just a quick note to let you know episode 5 of The Simple Mom Podcast is live! Head over to Homefries and click on the play button near the bottom (it has a triangle), or you can find it directly at iTunes—just search for the podcast’s name. This time, I’m chatting with my friend Meagan from The Happiest Mom. We dish on end of the summer slumps, the trend in kid-free zones, and whether we check our email at the playground.

So grab your laundry pile and get folding, because now you’ve got some fun listening! (And hey, if you like the podcast, leave a comment telling us so over at iTunes, k? Thanks.)

CURRENT SPONSORS:

Plan to Eat - meal planning made simple.
The Justice Conference - Justice hangs by a thread.
Lil' Soak - Sewing hope with handmade goods.
Treed - A simple, flexible, effective project planning tool.

No Kids Allowed (or, the next Simple Mom Podcast episode is live!) is a post from Simple Mom

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The One RIGHT Way to Educate Your Children

Tsh — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 04:01:15 +0000

Last year, Tate went to a (very affordable, wonderfully diverse) private school for kindergarten. I honestly never thought we’d ever do private school. The year before, living overseas, we worked through a simple homeschool curriculum for preschool. If you asked me before we moved, I’d have told you we’d never, ever homeschool.

This year, we’re homeschooling for first grade. Life’s funny that way.

Kyle and I are both public school products, having attended the same local schools from K through 12th. We both had good experiences, and always assumed we’d default to the same public school route for our own children. Quite honestly, we held to a certain stereotype of homeschoolers. You know the stereotype, too: large families wearing matching jumpers and not letting their kids play with other children. Inept social skills.

In my short stint as a parent, I’ve discovered that there IS one right way to educate your child. And it’s true for every family, every child.

It’s this: whatever works best for your family.

Nothing less. Our family’s goal in educating our children is to foster a lifelong love of learning. From no particular schooling method will our children be able to learn everything, so the next best thing is to nurture the innate love of discovery and growth born in each of us.

We’ve decided that for our family, the method of education will possibly change each year, with each child. Some years, public school will be best. Other years, an online, independent program might be the best thing.

Factors we’ll consider are each of our children, both of us as parents, and our current life situation. Whatever the method, we’ll approach it thoughtfully, prayerfully, and with a plan. No default mode.

I’ve abandoned any homeschooling stereotype, because I’ve learned it just doesn’t exist. There are too many resources, too many approaches, and too many methods to box a homeschooling family into just one mold. If our family’s culture isn’t wearing denim jumpers, reading only the Bible, and traveling the country for spelling bees, then homeschooling isn’t going to magically turn us into that.

Besides, who cares what the stereotype is? No matter what educational path you choose, it’s still your responsibility, as the parent, to educate your children. You may outsource some subjects to your local public school, but the job is still under your jurisdiction. This year, we’re simply choosing to homeschool as our primary method.

If there’s anything I could encourage you in educating your children, it’s this:

1. Don’t have a default mode. Don’t just assume you’ll do public school, or private, or homeschool. Evaluate each child, each year. Thoughtfully consider your family’s needs annually.

2. Never say “We’ll never _____.” 10 years ago, that would have been homeschooling for me. Five years ago, it would have been private school. We’ve already done both.

A few years ago, I met an elderly American woman who lived in Vietnam during the 60s. When her children became teenagers, they went to boarding school in the Philippines. She told me, “Never say you’ll never do boarding school.”

Honestly, I’m not sure I can say that right now. But I’ve never had teenagers, and who knows where we’ll be at that time. If I’m taking my own advice, then I’d need to not say “Never,” even to sending my teens to boarding school. It’ll all depend on our family’s situation.

It’s still true now, when our kids are little. And it’s true for your kids, too. I look forward to starting the next fork in our family’s educational journey next Monday, when we crack open our books and explore.

Why have you chosen your kids’ method of education right now? I’d love to hear.*

*Note: this is a grace-filled place, and I don’t have much room for nonconstructive criticism of others. I’d rather hear the positives of your choices, not your negative opinions of others’ choices. Ad hominem will be deleted.

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