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Reader Laine asks, “My daughter is five and my son is three. If we were to find a three bedroom home for rent (like we live in now), what are your thoughts on putting the children together in one room and having the other room as a playroom/schoolroom. Have you ever tried anything like this? At first it sounds like a good idea, but then I think they need their own space and privacy.”
An excellent question, Laine, and I’m sure one all of us with at least one boy and one girl have debated. Is it okay for them to share a room? If so, when is it too old? And if you plan on having a small home long-term, like us, it’s an issue not likely to fade away anytime soon in your family.
Right now, our kids, one girl and one boy, are sharing a room. Actually, you could say they’re sharing two rooms, because we’ve got a “sleeping room” and a “play room,” and they equally share both. But – they are almost 4-years-old and 9-months-old. They’re young.
For us, sharing rooms was not really an issue of space-saving, because if we put their beds and toys in separate rooms, we’d still have about the same amount of available square-footage. So here are some of the reasons I really wanted them to share:
• I want them to bond. Yes, I know they can bond in separate rooms, but there’s something special – almost magical – about fading to sleep in the same room. They actually seem to sleep a bit better when they’re in there together, and as our son grows into a toddler, I can see his big sister being a comfort to him. Even as a baby, he likes it when he can see big sis in her bed.
• They want to share rooms. Right now, they’re crazy about each other. I’d be crazy not to take advantage of that. We really hyped up the idea of moving little brother’s crib in to our daughter’s room. She thought it was such a special treat.
• We have very few personal toys. My daughter has a few dolls that are her own, and my son obviously has his baby toys. But other than that, it’s a high priority for our family that toys are seen as the family’s toys. All the blocks, the train set, the stuffed animals, the art supplies, the books, the puzzles – everyone shares them. So when they’re in the play room, they’re not seen as “my” toys. We’ll definitely make a point to keep a few toys special, especially as they grow older.
• It’s good to learn to share at a young age. I want to dilute the idea of I‘m more important, I deserve more than I have, I demand more solitude than I’m allotted, I, I, I. Yes, we all need our personal space, and of course, I want my children to nurture themselves with good-quality alone time when they need it. But far too often, kids are given too much at a young age, and then it’s hard to “reel them back in,” relationally-speaking, when they’re older. I like the idea of my children feeling secure as a significant part of our family, a bit more than feeling like an independent person who can do anything she wants. Especially at this young age.
When will they separate to their own rooms?
I honestly don’t know. They’re very young, and I don’t have much experience with older children, so others can certainly chime in with their opinion. But for now, this set-up really works for our family, and we’re all happy with it. We’ll take it a day at a time.
What’s your opinion? Do your kids of opposite genders share? Did you share a room growing up? I’d love to hear a variety of takes on this issue. What if you had all the space you needed for separate rooms for everyone – would you still do it?
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Great post – it’s so nice of you to be answering all of our questions!
We want our son (3.5yrs) and daughter (2yrs) to share now, although they have been in separate rooms up until now. Our baby is 6 weeks, and we want to move our daughter out of her crib and into a toddler bed in her brother’s room (now repainted, reorganized, and renamed “the big kids’ room).
She’s flat out refusing (not-so-subtle jealousy of the new baby), and reading your post I’m worried we may have waited too long! Anyone out there have any advice?!
My brother and I shared until I was 10 and he was 8 and that really was only because my sister came along (she eventually moved into the room with me). We had bunk beds for many years, too, and we loved it! I don’t have any bad memories of sharing, we were very close with each other and I think that sharing a room really helped with that bond.
In all honesty, I think kids can share really until the older one hits puberty or they really start becoming conscious of modesty and their bodies, etc.
my daughters share a room. If one of them is gone over night, the other can’t sleep without her there.
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we have four children (two boys and two girls) and they sleep together in combination boy/girl.
Each time we ask: do you want your own room? They answer: “NOOOOOO! If we have an own room we cannot talk in the evening, we feel alone and we need the sleeping sounds to feel well!” The oldest child is 10 years old and I am very curious to know if the behaviour will change with the first boyfriend
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I have two daughters, so I do not have the debate whether it is appropriate on them to share rooms or not. They do share a room and I do believe they find comfort in both of them being in that room. When they had seperate rooms, my oldest was constantly having nightmares, when we moved them in together the nightmares stopped! I believe the comfort of knowing that someone is there (whether boy or girl) is a great thing for children. It helps them to begin to learn the process of sharing and the quote ‘What is mine, is yours and what is yours, is mine’ as they grow up. Do I plan for them to share a room for the rest of their life in our home? I don’t know, where we are at we only have three bedrooms but if we moved into a much larger home in the future, it’s possible we would allow them to have their own rooms.
I have a 9 yr old dd and a 6 yr old ds…they shared a room up until about 2 years ago. We have a 2 bedroom home – so it was necessary for them to share. I knew eventually they’d need sep. rooms b/c of their genders…and I figured we might as well do it now and there can be a “girly” room for my dd that likes pink and crafts and flowers and a “boyish” room for my ds who likes all things boyful. They probably could have shared a room longer (dh and I moved to the basement) – but it’s worked out well this way. Since they are homeschooled and around each other a lot – it does give them an opportunity to have their own space and some quiet time without the other one always by their side.
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Great post. I never thought about the fact that they share allows them to think of toys as “family” toys rather than his or hers because they reside in their respective rooms. I agree that kids get WAY too much when they are young, and when all that “stuff” also incurs a label of “his” or “hers”, you are creating a breeding ground for selfishness to prosper.
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I have a brother that is 2 years younger than me and a sister that is 5 years younger than me. We all 3 shared a room until I was about 9, so we would have been 9, 7, and 4. After that I shared a room with my sister until I was 16. We all wanted to share a room when we were younger.
It was kind of comforting to me to have my sister in the room with me, the main issue was that she couldn’t fall asleep unless there was a light on, and I couldn’t fall asleep unless it was pitch black. So she got to keep the light on because she was younger. I was very glad to finally have my own room and be able to control the light at night.
I think sharing a room is one of those priceless childhood memories. But, it also brings problems of light, sound, different bedtimes, etc. if there is a significant difference in ages.
p.s.
I shared a room with my little sis when she was an infant for about 3 days, then I demanded to move to my brother’s room because she would wake up in the middle of the night and scream her head off.
I have all boys so far so this hasn’t been a concern for us but I think 3 and 5 year olds in the same room is just fine. After all, log cabin days, didn’t everybody basically share one big room? Even a need for modesty can be gotten around fairly easily…change in the bathroom and wear pajamas to bed, etc. In our house, the kids only use their bedrooms for sleeping, anyway–all the playing/hanging out/socializing is done in other parts of the house, and the boys are often hanging out in their sleepwear…so I just don’t see a huge leap between that and happening to sleep in close proximity.
My brother is 4 years older than me and there were many times, even when we were both adolescents, that we’ d have little “sleepovers” in one another’s rooms. We just liked each other’s company, I guess. It’s weird to think that some might have seen anything indecent about it. We’re siblings! (and still very close.)
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When I was growing up my dad was military. If you had same sex siblings they had to share a room (if you lived in military housing) until the oldest was 10. I have no idea why that was the magic number. But, my brother and sister in law (husbands siblings) shared a room for years by choice. He didn’t move into the boys room until he was 10 – and he decided on his own.
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I’ve got a 3 year old boy and an 18 month old girl and they’ve shared a room since the baby was about 6 months old.
They love sharing a room and they entertain each other and they don’t want to go to sleep without each other and they care for each other and they comfort each other.
I like it, and I am glad to hear the input from people who have older children sharing rooms.
I think in general we don’t need as much STUFF (room, toys, clothes, cars, space) as this society thinks we need. I like the idea of focusing on people and bonding over privacy and independence (not that there still can’t be independence.)
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I have two younger sisters, so gender wasn’t an issue. I am kind of a loner/independent, so I enjoyed having my own room, but I don’t remember hating sharing a room. I shared a room with my sister until I was about 5 and we moved into a house with three bedrooms. I had my own room for about the next five years, because we had three bedrooms and then my youngest sister (8 years younger) shared a room with my other sister. When I was 10 we moved and my younger (by 4 years) sister and I shared a room until my baby sister was out of the crib. Since then I had my own room. In some ways I think my younger sisters are closer from having shared a room…
My kids have always shared rooms. We have three boys and one girl. My daughter (12 1/2) has her own room now and has for a while. We started separating them when the oldest (now nearly 16) began expressing a need for privacy when dressing, etc. Even though we eventually had the boys in one room and my daughter in her own room, they were often all sleeping together in one room. I really think that’s ok–it’s a comfort to them, it helps them to bond, and it keeps them out of my bed!
I think that as long as the need or private space isn’t expressed and coming from some selfish place (as stated in the post), it’s totally fine to listen to the kids and separate them when they’re ready to be separated.
My brother and sister shared a room until he was almost 10, she seven. The only reason they separated is that she demanded it. She wanted her own room “with a door” (long story…only one door in our house – to the bathroom). So, my parents made it happen…they knew it would all happen in its own time. Even after they had their “own” rooms they co-slept a lot as by then they didn’t like being alone.
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I grew up sharing a room with my brother until I was 10 and he was 15. My mom seperated our two spaces with dressers so we had a seperate area, but a shared room none the less and we did great.
My kids now have been sharing, well since it was possible. I now have 2 boys and 1 girl in the same room. Bunk beds allow my two boys 3 & 5 to have their own beds and my daughter (7) has her own of course. There are no toys in this room so it is exclusively a sleeping room. Our kids sleep really well in the same room and are comforted not to be all alone at night. The allternate for us currently is that I give up my little office for the benefit of them having their own space, but I am honestly not willing to move ALL the office stuff into my bedroom to make up for it. We are working on getting another room completed in our basement, but that is a ways away. My daughter is excited about getting her own room, but she isn’t excited about being all they way in the basement away from everyone else in the house. I think that will take a lot of getting used to for her when she does move down there.
My opinion though about them sharing spaces…just not a big deal, especially if we have already been teaching them about modesty. I think if we weren’t able to finish the basement room, I would be fine with the kids sharing until my daughter was even 10 like I was. I have noticed that some kids get jealous of personal spaces too and I am quite sure that when my daughter does move too that one of my sons will be jealous that she gets her own room while he still needs to share a room with his little brother….I would almost prefer to have them all three in the same room as opposed to dealing with the whole jealousy issue!
For a while my 6 year old and 1 year shared a room they loved it! I put my 1 year old son in his own room once he jumped out of his crib. It was a safety issue – my daughter has tons of little toys – polly pockets etc that were not safe for my son to be around. Elijah is now 3 and Sara is now 8. We are lucky that they can have their own rooms. They need some time apart once in a while. Don’t we all?
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Thanks for answering my question! I couldn’t believe when I checked your site this morning (as I do every day) that my question was up! =) I do appreciate you taking the time to write about it. Your answer really has given me a lot to think about as we are moving in three weeks. I never thought about the aspect of breeding selfishness. We actually have had quite a bit of that lately and don’t want to add to it. I will definitely be talking about this with my husband. Thanks again, this was extremely helpful!
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Absolutely! I thought it was a great question, and one other people probably have.
I have been wanting to put our 15 month old and 4 year old in a room together for all these great reasons (and so I can turn the nursery back into an office/guest room/sewing room). But I have been concerned about them waking each other up in the night. A couple times a week the 15 month old will fuss in the night, not fully waking up, but still loud enough that we hear him through a closed door. Do you have this issue? Do you have any trouble with them waking each other up? Thanks!
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We have a 9 year old daughter and 11 year old son sharing a room – after a major downsize in our lives. They, until this year, always had their own room – and with the change, we initally put our 2 boy together and 2 girls together – and my oldest had a hard time with little brother getting into older brother’s beloved legos. My two oldest love sharing a room – of course there are moments, but i’ve noticed they really have begun to understand each other quite a bit more, and while I didn’t think they needed more, they do seem to be more compassionate and empathetic toward each other. While it wasn’t a big problem before, I have noticed they also rarely bicker or argue since they’ve began sharing. The ‘privacy’ word might come up in a few months/years, and we will see where that leads, but at this time, I see only benefits from my boy and girl sharing a room.
We recently moved across several states and went from owning a 4 bedroom to renting a 2 bedroom house. My kids (girl 7 and boy 5) went from having their own rooms to sharing a room. They enjoy one another’s company and actually spent a lot of time together (even sharing a bed sometimes at night by choice) when they had their own rooms.
We bought each child a loft bed so that they have their own space in the room. They are not allowed on the other’s bed unless invited but they equally share all the floor and closet space.
It’s interesting that many of the comments are pointing to 10 years old as being a natural separation age. By that time we will have hopefully moved on to a larger home!
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We have two girls, so not the same issues as you — but we have talked quite a bit about room sharing. Right now we’re in a 2BR house, so it’s not even an issue…but a few years ago we were looking seriously at a 4BR house, and I said “two bedrooms, one guest room, one playroom” whereas my husband was pretty convinced the girls should have their own rooms, because no one in his house growing up ever had to (gasp!) share a room. I, on the other hand, am convinced that room sharing is a very positive thing…though I’m not averse to reevaluating the sitch once they’re headed into their teens.
Someone asked about waking each other up — I had been worried about that too when our youngest was moving into her sister’s room, but it was never an issue. White noise really helps.
I’m the dreaded middle child. Smack dab in the middle of a two great brothers. We never had to share the same room, but this scared of the dark chicken ended up in one of their rooms nearly every night. If I wasn’t there, you could find me sleeping between the door frame of my parents bedroom. (Oh Lord, now it sounds like I have issues? No. Just a total chicken when the sunsets. You grow up in the middle of nowhere with the coyotes howling and your imagination will run wild too!)
Anyways, don’t worry about your kids sharing a room. My brothers are my greatest friends and supporters today!
Wow…I’m so surprised at all the responses that are pro sharing a room between boys and girls! While at first it sounds like a fine idea, I’m going to be the one odd-ball here and say that I will not do it unless we have extenuating circumstances.
Why? Because I have heard first-hand accounts where situations of experimentation (to put it delicately) occurred, and there was guilt on all sides later on. Specifically one of these incidents was between siblings of the opposite sex, ages 5 and 7. These two had grown up in a “normal” family, so there was no question of abuse.
Anyway, I’m not up on my high horse about it. Just thought I’d share a different perspective.
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We are getting ready to move our three and one year old daughter and son together in one room before our new little one arrives in December. Although the baby will be rooming with us for the first few months, I’ve been excited about the idea of having our kids sharing the same space for a while. We have quite a big house, so space is not the issue with us, but I thought that having them together would foster a shared relationship between the two that would smooth the transition when the new baby arrives.
The only thing I’m slightly concerned about is that we’re moving our son into the room that our daughter has identified as “hers”… I hope this sense of ownership will dwindle quickly and not cause too much friction with the new arrangements.
I was really excited to see the number of folks that responded with positive experience about sharing rooms!
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True, in rare circumstances I’m sure this can happen. I’m thinking the kids will have their own rooms once modesty plays a role in their lives.
I shared a room with an older brother and a younger brother until I was almost 10 years old. Other than them always trying to come in when I was changing clothes, it was fine. I plan on my kids sharing rooms. I think middle school age is a good time to separate, at least right now I do. I might change my mind.
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Thanks for these great points. My brother and I always had our own room so I never thought about it. I love your ideas on making toys “family toys” and it seems like this way kids might be less likely to “isolate” themselves to “their” room.
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I am noticing too that most of these children in the comments are close in age. My sister and I are seven years apart. We lived in a two bedroom apartment for two years after she was born so we had to share. Those two years were miserable for me as the big sister. Especially once she was mobile. She was always getting into my stuff which either had parts too small for her to play with (think Barbie shoes and legos) or were set up in a certain way (think play kitchen and doll house). She was forever wrecking the room. This created alot of hard feelings in me as a small child that really were not resolved until I was a young adult and she was a teenager. Although neither of us have children yet, most likely I would not put children together who are separate by more than a few years, unrelated to gender.
Good point. My brother and I are five years apart, and we never shared a room. I do think that would have been odd.
My three daughters, aged 10, 3, and 1, all share a room. I agree that it can be a problem when the older child has no ability to protect her things from the younger ones. My oldest daughter was unable to keep board games, nice books, or her snowglobe collection safe from little hands, and she was never allowed to practice her guitar or play with art supplies because of fear she’d leave them laying around and the little kids would get them. I solved this by creating a “big kid playroom” in my house. It’s actually a section of my bedroom, and it’s a safe place for my older kids (10yo dd and also my 3 oldest boys) to keep their special things and play with toys and games that aren’t appropriate for small children. It’s been a huge blessing for all of us!
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For us, sharing a room wasn’t an option. Our son with CP wasn’t even sleeping through the night due to night seizures until he was 5; and even now, it’s hit or miss if he will. We also didn’t know if he had the cognitive capacity to share a room with our daughter. When our 3rd came along, a boy, I just didn’t want he and our daughter to share a room. In hinde sight, I think this would have been fine.
I’m sure the siblings will bond either way. Ours have such a tight bond, and again, they don’t share rooms. In the end, you do what you need to do or want to do. Each child is different, same with each situation. It sounds like your children aren’t “too old” to share a room together and I would go for it if that’s what you’d like to do!
My daughter is 7 and my son is 3 and they have recently started sharing a room at their request.
) In short they LOVE it.
They settle better at night, sleep more soundly and my son, who has always been up at the crack of dawn, sleeps until later
There has been no issue of my son playing with my daughters things as they have a separate playroom and most of the toys are shared anyway. The things that she does have in the bedroom (jewellery, special books etc.) are on her shelves and my 3 yo knows that they are a no go area.
So from my point of view I think it works great. I don’t think it would work for all siblings though. My daughter is homeschooled and therefore has a very close bond with her little brother if she wasn’t i don’t think they’d be as close and I don’t think she’d want to share at this age.
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This is a great post! We had always thought/hoped that DD & kid #2 would share a room, thus getting out of our room when kid#3 comes along. I never thought about it fostering the family toy idea which is something that i find important since we hope to have a large family. Thanks for the food for thought!
My two youngest (boy age 4, girl age 21 mos.) currently share a bedroom simply for the fact that there was no other option! I’m sure that at some point they will get their own rooms, if and when we move. Right now it’s not an issue due to their age, but I’m sure it will be as they get older.
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My little brother and I shared a room until I was about 10. We had another bedroom that was our playroom. It was nice to always have someone there. We had bunkbeds and it worked out well. I’d read him stories at night and we’d talk all the time. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I think that preteens do seem to desire more privacy so that’s a good time to separate. But if I had kids of the same gender I’d have no problem with them sharing a room through high school. There is no real “need” for kids to have their own rooms IMO.
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My brother and I shared a room until I was 13 and he was 12. I think mom was ahead of her time when she only got us family toys instead of boys and girls toys. Brother and I found it difficult to adjust in our new home with separate bedrooms and we ended sleeping on sleeping bags in each others room once in a while after that.
Now I have two boys and they share a room. We have two spare rooms, but I was selfish and wanted them to bond the same way my brother and I did. It’s working great!
And, to this day, my brother and I call each other every single day.
Thank you for a great post!
My two oldest kids are about 2.5 years apart, my daughter being older than my son. They originally shared a room because of space but as they got older and we moved into a bigger house, they could’ve had their own rooms but they didn’t want to. In fact, they did have their own rooms and yet they would still end up sleeping in the same room, one of them sneaking into the other’s after I’d put them to bed.
So for years they had a bedroom and a playroom, probably up until they were ages 9 and 7. They are now 18 and almost 16 and they’re still extremely close.
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When the grandchildren sleep over, I love to read to them at bedtime. We start with stories and then I quietly read scriptures about God’s greatness as they fall asleep. It’s another “magical” moment that I wouldn’t trade and couldn’t experience if they didn’t sleep together.
My kids were raised in a small home and had to share bedrooms (we had 2 boys and 2 girls so there were no gender issues though.) They have stayed close as adults – I love that.
My two (girl: 5 almost 6, boy: 3) have shared a room for almost a year. It’s gone tremendously well, and I do think that they’re closer siblings from the experience. I especially appreciate that when they wake early they have each other for company and the younger has the older to read him books.
That said, I think that in a couple of years the baby will move in with her sister while brother gets his own room. The gender thing hasn’t been an issue yet (heck, they still bathe together), but I would imagine that a nine year old girl won’t want to share a room with her twerpy six year old brother!
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Oh, meant to add that we have two kinds of toys: most are family toys, while each kid has a few ’special things’ that aren’t fair game (their special nighttime snuggler, Josie’s hello kitty cd player, Jasper’s favorite red rocket), which I think has been a real benefit in (a) teaching some idea of boundaries and (b) giving each child a sense of owning *soemething*!
My brother is 3 years younger and my sister 6 years younger. We all shared the same room until I was about 10 or 11. Yep, we fought a lot, had arguments about lighting, music, tv, etc., but in the end it taught us to be a lot more tolerant of others and how to get along. My parents were remodeling the house while we were growing up so our bedroom was usually whatever room was available and not under construction.
We also shared a queen bed for much of that time. (My sister was well known for her kicking during sleep.) So, we learned to share covers and bed space too. DH is a terrible sleeping companion, in contrast, as he only ever had his own giant bed, and can’t share bed space and is a cover hog.
You won’t damage your kids by putting them in the same room. And, they will let you know when it’s not appropriate anymore.
I have b/g twins who are 2 1/2 and have always shared a room ( a bed until they were one, actually) and a 1 1 /2 year old baby girl. We moved the baby into the twins’ room about 6 months ago, and they are all in the same room. They will only sleep if they’re all together, and I love that. The other bedroom in our house is for toys, they share everything, and it works very well for us. I shared a room with my little brother (two years younger than I) until I was 14 and he was 12. I wanted it that way. When my parents tried to separate us at a younger age we would just sneak into each others rooms and sleep on the floor. I liked the comfort of having someone near me, even if it was someone younger! So, we’ll keep all three of our kids together as long as they want to be.
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I am all for kids sharing rooms, so please don’t get me wrong in my response…
Some states have laws about the ages that children of opposite genders can share rooms. I wasn’t even aware of this until my daughter came home from kindergarten and we got a visit from Child Protective Services later that afternoon…
She had mentioned sharing a room with her younger brother (she was 5 at the time and he was 4), and the school called the blasted state (for refrence we lived in Nebraska).
We had a toy room for the kids, but the lady came out and had to check out the house and everything and was at least kind enough to explain the “law” (see notation) politely to me and suggest seperating them to avoid further issues from the school.
They got seperate rooms that night… They still have “sleepovers” in one or the other’s room almost every weekend, but the experience in and of itsself scared me from ever having them offically share a room again…
(now upon personal research I found nothing in the law that actually stated that they cannot share a room, just not a bed after my daughter had reached a school age, but they never have…)
Really. Wow. Just – wow.
I live in France, and while I don’t think that sharing rooms between brothers and sisters is illegal, I have heard that it is possible that your public assistance could be cut if there are both genders in a room. Most families rely quite heavily on this public assistance, ours included, and I’m scared this law is true. Our two boys and one girl are in the same room (ages 5, 4 and almost 1) and we don’t have room to have them in two rooms. They like it, but I think it work better with them in different rooms, at least among older/ younger lines.
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My kids shared a room until my daughter was 11 and my son was 6. Even though my daughter finally got her own room she really missed sharing with her brother for te first year. The only reason we separated them was my daughter was beginning to mature and she needed more privacy. Since my daughter’s room also doubles as a guest room when people visit she gets to go upstairs and share with her brother ocaasionally ( he has bunk beds) which the two of them always enjoy. BTW, my daughter is now 15 and my son is 10 and I think the years of them sharing a room was a great bonding experience given the 5 year age gap.
We have not had to deal with this, because our first two were boys, so they share a room. (Then we had a girl.)
However, I shared a room with a male cousin of mine for about a year or so when I was seven and he was three. It was fine. I wouldn’t have wanted to share a room with him when I was a little bit older, but I also spent a lot of time in my room. At our house, it wouldn’t be a big deal if we did that, because our kids spend most of the time in the living room anyway, and not much/any solo time in bedrooms. (They will sometimes go in to one of the bedrooms together to play though.)
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my dd 7 and my ds 4 share a room. i have a toddler who sleeps in his own room (he has a bad habit of waking up for long stretches during the night). that said, he’s almost ready to start sharing a room. and i might – at least for a few months (until my daughter starts needing a separate room from the boys) – stuff the three of them together in one room.
it absolutely encourages sibling bonding. and its such a comfort for them to have someone to “sleep with”.
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My two, DS who’s 5 and DD who’s 2, share a room as well. They do great and don’t wake each other up in the middle of the night. My DD is a sound sleeper, so she doesn’t even stir when DS goes to bed after her, climbing into the creaky bunkbed over her and turning on a light to read. We do have frequent night waking, and again, there’s no waking up of the other child. The best is when they play together when they wake up too early in the morning for me.
I am one of 7 kids and we always shared a room with someone growing up. I did have a short period in HS when my sister went to college that I had my own room but honestly I really missed her and when she was home on break in another room I would end up with her a lot. I read an article in the paper last year talking about how those kids that share rooms are better adjusted as adults. If you plan on going to college or getting married sharing a room or place is normal in adult life. Those children that share rooms growing up are better to deal with this. There was a study done…wish I could find it now. I think gender especially at a young age isn’t an issue. I have two boys and a girl that all share a small room together. Ages 7, 5 and 1. My 7 year old changes in the bathroom and I am sure when he is a teen we will separate in terms of gender but they will probably still share with someone (hoping for another girl someday). We live in Los Angeles and our house is an old 3 bedroom. The rooms are small. I chose to put the kids sleeping in one. This has beds, clothes and books to read….no toys. The toys are in our playroom/guest room. I love it because if they have built a huge creation out of legos or set up their trains I don’t have to make them put it all away before bed because I can just shut the door of the playroom and they can return to play the next day. I am not walking in to put them to bed and tripping on toys in the bedroom. It is perfect for us….a little tight at times but that is fine. We make it work. The kids love it. The boys couldn’t wait for Addie to sleep in their room (she was in our room until 7 months). They have fun chatting before bed and have said they would hate to sleep in separate rooms. We do have rules that their bed is their space and others are not allowed on it unless invited. That gives them some personal space.
Ps our daughters toys are in the living room at the time. Don’t want her choking on legos or messing up the boys stuff.
I’m the oldest by 10 years and always had my own room but of my three little sisters the oldest had her own room and the two younger ones shared (4 bedroom house) now they are all in their late teens and early 20’s and the oldest is routinely shut out and etc… because the two younger ones are closer – however, the youngest one was a slob and my sister that shared her room always ended up doing all the cleaning up and became quiet resentful over that and it created some big issues too. Now, when they should all three be giggling about boys together or talking about school they don’t really get along with each other and it seems to go back to how they spent the first few years of their lives. When I got married they all got their own rooms and at that time were 14, 11 and 10.
I would say that if children share a room they need to all share a room, rather than one having their own room and a couple of others sharing. Also Mom needs to be diligent about making sure that everyone carries their load in keeping the room(s) clean. My sister’s relationships with each other have suffered because of the way their rooms were treated when they were younger, my parent’s regret those decisions now and would have done things differently if they had realized what the outcome would be.
We only have one child right now but if we had a second I think I would want to do the sleeping room/play room set-up – I would just have to be more diligent about making sure that both of the children worked together to keep their rooms clean and orderly.
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I think every family is going to be different here. A lot factors into whether or not kids of differing gender share a room. We have 5, 2 boys and 3 girls and we live in a 3 bedroom house. The girls share and the boys share. If we were looking at a situation where the genders were mixed, we would have to look at the modesty issue. But again, that will differ from one family to the next. Some may pick up on the differences earlier than others. And there is always the “change in the bathroom” option. So I think you really just have to pay attention and when the time is right you will know it’s time to separate them. Even if we moved to a bigger house… we would still have the kids share rooms. I think it is good for kids to share. I don’t think they would know what to do in a room all their own. Besides, we love to sit and listen to the chatter after lights out. I was surprised to read there are actually laws re: this. I’m with you SM WOW.
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I haven’t read through all of the comments, so this probably has already been said, but I think once puberty begins, it would be a good time to separate the siblings.
I am french and very surprise by this post… In France we also have laws for children of opposite sex sharing the same bedroom, it can’t be done after age 4.
I have been working for 4 years as a counsellor for victims of sexual abuse, and their are many girls who are abused by their older brother…
Don’t be too naive and please protect your children!
“Don’t be too naive and please protect your children!”
True. All those reading this post need to remember I’m talking about very small children. Mine are all preschoolers. We’ll reevaluate everything when they get older.
I shared a room with my brother up until I was 10, he was 8. I honestly don’t remember anything negative about the experience except that he snored too much! It was a small house (1000 sq ft) & my parented decided to build a 3rd bdrm off the patio so we could each have our own rooms. Actually I remember hating to have to share a bathroom (1 bathroom in the house) more than anything!
As for my own kids, I would probably do the same except that our bedrooms are so stinkin’ small – but I’d still rather choose a small house & bunk a few kids together than size up to a larger home. I’ve never asked my brother what his feelings were on sharing a room – I’ll have to ask him next time we’re together!
** And thanks for the great post & awesome suggestions with what to do with digital photos!! I’ve been dealing with major 1st trimester “yuck” so I’ve been out of the loop a bit – I so appreciate the post!!
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Mine are 2.5 and 5 months. They don’t share rooms currently but will be in the very near future. I agree with everything you said about learning to share at a young age and getting them to “bond” in a unique way. Thanks for talking about this!
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I was the 2nd of 4 (boy, girl, boy, girl), with a 9-yr gap between me and my younger brother. My younger sibs shared a room until my younger brother was in kindergarten – which I think was the legal limit in TN for children of the opposite sex. Then my little sister’s bed was moved into my room. It was the end of my senior year in high school, so I wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but we were renting out my older brother’s room (MIL apt.) and that was the legal limit for them sharing, so there was nothing else to be done. Plus all her stuff was kept in my little brother’s room, so all she did was sleep in my room.
I don’t have a problem with kids sharing rooms (although really, you _do_ need to look into your state laws concerning mixed-gender rooms), but my husband was/is determined that we’ll never have more kids than we have rooms for them in the house because an old girlfriend shared a room with a brother until the younger of the two siblings was like 13 or something. Since we can’t afford a bigger house right now and are preggers with #2 (in a 2-br), he’s already accepting that they’re going to have to share at least for a little while.
Maybe that means more babies in the future!
But more to the point, a) check your state laws. Yes, it’s invasive, but it’s still (possibly) the law. I think it’s typical for the states to say kindergarten or 6-ish. At the very least, know your rights so if child services is called you can defend yourself. b) I think sharing rooms is fine if necessary, if the kids want it, and/or if the children’s temperment allows. I’m glad I didn’t have to as a little kid (and wasn’t exactly happy about it in high school), but then again, my dad would find me in my room still reading at 3AM quite often, so I might not have been the best companion anyway.
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I have four kids. 15, 13, 7 & 3. They are girl, boy, girl, boy. The oldest two share a room and the younger two share. The older two (girl 15, boy 13) are fine with it. They have bunk beds, there is also a bathroom right next door. They change clothes in the bathroom and spend time in the bedroom reading or tv watching. No issues so far.
Then the younger two share a room. It works out great and we really don’t have many other options. The younger kids go to bed an hour earlier then the older ones so sharing a room would be hard due to bedtime and the age difference makes their interests alot different.
It works for us. Once the oldest leaves home the next in line will have his own room til he leaves home (the plan is 18) then the younger two will get their own rooms.
My oldest are a boy and girl who are 16 months apart (7.5 & almost 9…gee does time fly). Since the youngest was born even though they’ve had their own rooms they’ve always preferred to sleep together so our oldest girl has a queen in her room. Now that we have 3 (the youngest girl is 2.5) and only 3 bedrooms, the oldest children keep their things in seperate rooms from each other yet our son sleeps in his older sister’s room while his rooms which is shared with the toddler (due to too many small things she could get into in her older sister’s room). The toddler actually sleeps in her brothers room and it’s worked out great for us (although we are now in the process of getting bunk beds to replace the queen so they each have more space “alone” yet close to the other for comfort. But I do think that there will come a time when our oldest daughter will need her own place (as we all know boys mature a bit later than girls). However, until we get a bigger home with 4 bedrooms they will continue in this manner.
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Our kids (boy and girl)have always shared a room (now ages 5 and 6) and we plan on continuing it for a while, probably until age 10 or if/when it’s needed. We only use the bedrooms for sleeping. Playing occurs elsewhere and that’s where the sharing/fighting happens.
My daughter and son (5 and 2) began sleeping in the same room sometime this summer. It started out as fun sleepover party for a special treat, but soon became a nightly ritual. They sleep in a double bed and it is one of the most precious things ever!!! I think it contributes to their brother/sister bond and it makes us tighter as a family. I love it!
We are a family of six (four children so far) and live in a 956sq foot home. We have three bedrooms. Currently the three boys live in the same room (7,5,3) they all have their own beds (bunks and toddler size). The little lady (21months) has her own tiny room. If we were to be blessed with another baby they would share. We have put egress windows into the basement to make another room (my husband and I will have our bedroom down there) at that point the two big boys would move into our old bedroom, the little man would have his own. Our daughter tries to sleep in their room every night. When she is old enough to speak her mind and ask (or if there is another infant) she may end up moving in with her brother. Personally I do not think it is in appropriate. Should they when they are in their teens? don’t think so but that is just my opinion. At the point we are at with their ages I think it is just fine. They do not ever ask to have their own rooms and know they probably wont ever. There is nothting shameful about sharing. if your situation makes it that the girls and boys need to share so be it. Make the best of every situation.
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My almost 6 year old daughter and barely four year old son share at the moment & love it. Their 2 year old brother has his own room, but we plan on moving him in with the others as soon as he sleeps reliably enough. Ultimately our daughter will want her own space, but I hope that there are a good few years of sharing time left before then.
We have four children. 2 Girls and 2 Boys. The girls share a room and the boys share a room. My husband holds the opinion that it is to the children’s advantage to learn to share a room. We have a finished attic space that is our toy room. The toys in the attic must be shared. Each child has a few toys of ownership and those are shared or played with by invitation only.
Boys can not enter the girls room. My daughter will invite a brother in to her room to play with her toy.
I do advocate some toy ownership. It teaches boundaries and stewardship. I do advocate family toys. It teaches sharing, social skills and community living.
Randy Pausch mentioned in his writings that most good people come from large families. I believe it’s because they learn to share, communicate, and relate to siblings of different ages and abilities. The home is THE BEST place to learn life skills!
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I am a bit late on this response, so you may not even read it, but this is something I address a lot when I speak on parenting. I echo so many of your reasons, and didn’t read any of the other comments, but I have been amazed at the number of people who tried talking me out of having my children share. We have five kids and up until 3 years ago….4 of them shared a room…by choice. We had a guest room and a computer room where we tried to move our daughter but she didn’t want to miss out on all the fun. Now, we have 3 boys in one room and 2 girls in another room, and still have a guest room so this definitely isn’t a space issue. They are learning life lessons every day by dealing with conflict resolution and so many other things. My sis in love and bro have ten kids (yes, all theirs) and they have a girls “dorm” room and a boys “dorm” room for many of the same reason. 6 boys in one room, 4 girls in another…and they aren’t huge rooms. They are functional with multiple sets of bunk beds. Interesting topic, and a great reminder to address this at my next MOPS speaking time.
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What a great post! I don’t have children yet, but a good friend of mine shared a bed with her sister her entire life (even when they lived together for a couple of years in college) and I loved the idea. They seemed closer and had a bond and fondness for one another that I truly admired. And I love, love, love the idea of sharing toys, games and crafts. And I would love to know how you handle that with Christmas and birthdays and the such.
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I have ID twin girls who have shared a bed/cot since they were born and who now share a room and who will probably always share a room. We also have a baby boy who currently sleeps with us (there isn’t another room to put him in anyway). While we are currently preparing to renovate our house and make it into a four bedroom house, and while we are hoping to have at least one more baby and would have enough space for the singletons to have their own rooms – we assume that they will all share in some combination at some stage. For all the reasons you already stated in your post.
I also assume that at some point, someone will not want to share, for whatever reasons, and we’ll have to reassess and change things when and if that happens. But personally I can’t see any problem with any combination of kids sharing at any age if they are happy to do so – I can only see advantages!
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My niece and nephew shared a room beginning when they were about 1 and 3.5. They shared until recently when they were 3.5 and 6. At that point my niece started sharing with her little sister who was 1. The switch had nothing to do with gender and everything to do with keeping the peace and sleeping well. I think it is fine for them to share as long as it works for you or they have valid reasons to ask to split up. Obviously by preteen years they will want more privacy.
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I think room sharing is of great benefit to siblings. I don’t think the boy-girl thing is an issue until puberty. My children have all shared rooms at a young age and it has helped to bring them closer. We began to see issues during the preteen age of our children craving their own space. This was with 2 girls and the issue was a need to maintain and take responsibility of their own belongings.
My son (6) and my daughter (4) desire to share rooms. They share toys and want each other’s company.
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My kids share by choice. They love it. They even push their beds together sometimes. I shared with my brother growing up and I absolutely *hated* it. I think it was b/c I didn’t have a choice.
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I’m so happy to have stumbled upon this post and all of the wonderful comments here. I have always worried about the effects of my children sharing a room (DS is now 11.5, DD is 8), as I grew up an only child and never had to share anything with anybody!
As we live in Paris and 3 bdrm apartments are very hard (read expensive) to come by, not helped by the fact that I’m a single mum, they don’t have a choice. At least here it is just the two of them; they share a bedroom with their little brother (4) at their dad’s one week out of two. They all get along pretty well and loft beds with desks beneath have really helped things and I guess, from reading the above, that they won’t be scarred for life, I hope!
Thank you so much for this wonderful article. I will soon be transitioning my 3 month old daughter out of our bedroom and into our 22 month old son’s room. I’ve been worrying myself sick about it. I never shared a room, and it’s wonderful to read that so many have had such positive experiences with it.
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My kids do not currently share rooms, and that is because they really do love each other and would talk and talk all night long. In fact, they do when we have guests and they do end up sharing a room. But, we will need to move our baby girl into our son’s room soon, as she is outgrowing her crib and then we cannot put her in the office/baby room we have her in now. Eventually the baby and my oldest, another girl, will need to share a room eventually. Right now, while they are young, sorting by age is best. Later, when they are older, sorting by gender is best. At least, that is what I think now, but I haven’t put it into practice yet!
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We currently live in a three bedroom apartment, and my 6 yo son and 4yo daughter share one bedroom for sleeping, and the other as a playroom. Soon we are moving into a two bedroom house, where obviously they will continue to share a bedroom. They have bunkbeds, although most nights we still play some kind of version of musical beds. I think it is somewhat ridiculous that gender plays a role in determining whether children should share a room or not – the intimation being that sexual abuse will occur if they share a room. If sexual abuse occurs between your children, there are many more opportunities for it to happen than just at night time. From what I can find online, the US doesn’t seem to have laws against sibling room sharing, but rather laws restricting the bedroom arrangements of foster children and families living is public housing. Also, judges can consider bedroom arrangements in custody determination.
And on a personal note, I would advise parents to NEVER let CPS into your home unless they have the police with them with a signed warrant. I know of several situations where families allowed them in thinking it would make things easier, and then once in CPS found a different cause from the the one originally stated to remove the children – mold in the bathroom? dirty dishes in the kitchen? Even if you are found not at fault, it can take months to get your kids back.
The “family toys” concept has worked really well for us, too. We often ask family members to gift one bigger toy to each kid, and Santa even brings a shared toy or two. When a toy is brand new, each kid has more “control” over it, but soon it is on the common shelves with everything else. My kids just take it for granted, since this is the way we have always done it.
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We’re currently renting a three bedroom house… One BD is obviously Mommy and Daddys… the two littles (boy -6mo and girl-2yrs) share a room… the third BD is storage/den… we turned one of our entryways (doesn’t get used for an entryway) into a toy room/area… I could even see adding a few more kiddos to the kids BD using bunks… I like having them both in the same room, except when they wake each other up from naps, etc. It’s nice to have one location for everything!
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My daughter (age 7) and son (age 4.5) share a room. We have another son (7 months) and unless we are able to do some remodeling, in another two years we may have a boys room and a girls’ room. We could have each child in their own room right now, but we like having a guest room (which doubles as my craft room) and a play room, and we also like the idea of kids bonding and sharing. Honestly, I feel okay with boys and girls sharing a room at least up until age 12. There are bathrooms/other rooms to change in, and my husband and I don’t really think kids need privacy.
Just my $.02
I have a sister who is two years older than me and a brother 4 years younger. My parents would try different combinations of who was sharing a room and my brother and I got along better than my sister and I did. We shared a room until I was 11 and starting middle school and then they converted the dining room to another bed room. I remember I liked sharing a room with my brother, my sister and I fought too much and I got lonely and bored in a room by myself.
My friend however had to share a room with her brother until she left for college, this was harder for her since she and her brother were both in high school. She never felt comfortable inviting friends over to her house and when I was over, we never played in her room. I think I was only in her room once. So at that point I would say they were a little too old to be comfortably sharing a room.
This is a great topic. I have two sons, ages 3.5 and 2. They each have separate rooms mostly because their rooms are small and there is not enough room to fit two beds in one of them (if there was enough room I would probably have them share and use one as a play room). Their rooms are joined by a jack-and-jill bathroom so to them it is like one big room in a way. Often in the mornings I find them together in the same bed. We will probably be moving from Florida, USA to London, UK so there will be a MAJOR downsize and they almost certainly will have to share. I don’t really have any problem with this. At one point I thought each kid should have his or her own room (probably because I did as a kid) but I have certainly changed my mind after becoming a parent of two boys. They love being together. I was an only child so I had a room to myself and often had nightmares as a little one. Obviously I don’t have a boy and a girl so I am not sure what I would do in that case. If I had the space I probably would separate them but I think it really depends on each family and the kids individually. Different kids will have different needs. One thing people seemed to be concerned about in several other posts was children of opposite genders “exploring.” I have several things to say about this. First, I don’t think this is as big of a deal as some people think. When I was around 5 I have memories of doing this kind of thing with a neighborhood 5-year-old boy and I know loads of other people who have the same experience. Truly, at that young age it is not a big deal and I would not consider this abuse. If parents are worried about this I guess I would just say to talk to your kids in an age appropriate way. Obviously though, it would be a problem if there was a significant age gap or other relevant factors were in place, but I think this can happen even if kids don’t share a room.