About Robin Dance

Married over half her life to her college sweetheart, Robin writes about parenting teens at Simple Mom - not because her sons and daughters are perfect, but because they're becoming who she hoped they would. She's as Southern as sugar-shocked tea, squirmy when she has to write bios, and hopes you'll visit Pensieve, and introduce yourself (or at least stalk her on Twitter).

by Robin Dance on May 10, 2013 • 20 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Everyday mentors and village people

I was a bystander this time, an observer, learning a lesson again I am so quick to forget:

Words are powerful and persuasive and have the capacity to change lives.

I know this, I even live it, but watching and witnessing a relative stranger speak wisdom into my teen son’s life, I saw it fresh, new. The conversation’s effect was palpable–you could almost see wheels turning in my boy’s head.

We were at the periodontist’s office, a consultation for upcoming dental surgery. Because Dr. M had treated my daughter a few years ago, we were already acquainted. I remembered how much I appreciated his chair-side manner, but I had forgotten how likeable and engaging he was.

Dr. M, cordial but professional to me, directed his attention toward my son. Thomas was wearing clothes for soccer, since he’d leave his appointment and go straight to practice.
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by Robin Dance on March 27, 2013 • 68 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Parenting teens: consequences, peer pressure and making a way out

Two painful truths I’ve learned in parenting teens are:

good kids “do” (where the “do” manifests itself in many ways, shapes, and forms), and
your children will make choices that disappoint you.

This shouldn’t come as any big surprise, but when (not if) something happens, we’re still bewildered.

Maybe all the signs were there, but you missed them. Work or marital issues or financial stresses or any number of distractions are blinding. And sometimes we simply don’t see what we don’t want to see.

Hear me clearly: this is no message of condemnation or finger pointing; it’s one of understanding, and, if you’re willing to receive it as intended, cautionary counsel. It’s at minimum a foolish posture to presume “My child would never do that!” – and potentially dangerous.

Disappointing choices come in broad spectrum, from academic under-achieving to zany videos on youtube. The consequences are equally diverse.

One of the most important goals in parenting is training your children to consider the consequences of their choices before making decisions, followed by allowing them to bear the consequences of poor decisions without bailing them out.
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by Robin Dance on January 2, 2013 • 29 Comments Family Bonding Your Family

The importance of being current

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

A few years ago I learned an invaluable parenting lesson in the most unexpected of Life Classrooms: a funeral.

From the time I met her in the hospital, Teresa had always been in poor health. In the few years I knew her, she visited death’s threshhold multiple times, always fighting back for more time. She and her family had come to terms with her illnesses likely cutting short a long life, but because she was doing relatively well, the timing of her passing came as a surprise.

Her precious daughter, a classmate of my daughter’s, spoke at Teresa’s memorial service. I was touched by her eloquence and composure during her affecting eulogy, a beautiful tribute to her mother.

Later, I was talking to my daughter about how impressed I was with Cara’s ability to speak with such confidence and composure at the most grievous and emotional of times, especially since she was only 16 and she and her mom were very close.

Rachel understood why, learning the secret to Cara’s strength when she had visited her the night before: there was nothing left unsaid between Cara and her mom.
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by Robin Dance on October 10, 2012 • 103 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

The decision and indecision of parenting teens

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

A note from Robin: This is going to be a departure from a typical Simple Mom post; it’s the telling of a difficult parenting decision I made recently. While I apologize for its length, I hope you’ll stick with it until the end. The older your children are, the more complicated you’ll find decisions to be.

More than an ocean had separated me from my children when I returned home from two months abroad; I wondered what re-entry would look like.

Would we pick right up seamless and smooth, a comma punctuating our good-bye instead of a period? Or would it be a gravel road, pitted and pocked and jolting? I’m close to my three, but after all, it had been a while since I was the boss of them.

I didn’t have to wonder long; prom was two weeks after I returned. In case your children are still young enough for you not to know this, Prom Season inevitably will push boundaries.

My boundary push came by way of an after-party invitation for my 17-year-old son: a co-ed all-nighter with the guys sleeping in tents outside, and the girls sleeping in an upstairs playroom.

Right, I thought. Visions of American Pie, Animal House, American Graffiti – and any other party movie I’ve ever heard of or seen – all rolled into one night.
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by Robin Dance on July 18, 2012 • 39 Comments Kids: Developing Character Your Family

Injustices of youth: when it’s right for you to speak up

Written by contributor Robin Dance of Pensieve.

Though I didn’t have words to articulate it at the time, looking back I realize these could be filed under “Injustices of Youth”:

In 6th grade:

The boy I liked gave me a letter another girl had given him. It was laced with profane words and (sexual) actions I had never heard of; horrified, I turned it in to my teacher, who in turn, took it to the principal.

All three of us were summoned to the office (the boy, the letter writer, and me) and punishments were doled out: we were all required to write “lines” (Remember those? Do they do that anymore in school??) and my sentence was “I will not read letters not addressed to me.” Five hundred times.

I don’t remember their sentences, but his was 750 times and hers was 1,000. I was the only one who completed it and turned it in. I don’t think my dad was called and because I was led to believe I had done something wrong, I didn’t tell him; I was punished, after all.

In 7th grade:

I had braces, and for a season I was supposed to wear headgear 23/7. The kind with straps across the back of your head and metal bars protruding from your mouth; torture devices–emotionally and physically, for a teenage girl.

To minimize the Nerd Factor, I wore a bandana to cover part of it. When I arrived at Social Studies that first day, Mrs. Lumley promptly instructed me to remove the bandana because our school had a “No Hats” policy. Mortified, I complied, but I also took off my headgear. Quite possibly my first Worst Hair Day ever and I remember feeling embarrassed and UGLY all day long.

I’m sure many of you have similar stories with different circumstances. The bottom line was that an adult/authority figure exerted control over you, for which you were not in a position to argue, defend, or disobey.

And it wasn’t fair…it truly wasn’t fair!

I believe it’s crucial for a child’s maturation to suffer the consequences of poor decisions.

If he makes a poor choice, he’ll learn best when he has to pay a price for bad judgment – not if you bail him out every time. Otherwise, you’ll create an unattractive victim mentality. That will not serve him now or through adulthood, or society in general ever!