Corey

by Corey on December 16, 2009 • 44 Comments Family Bonding Your Family

8 tips for handling extended family stress during the holidays

As the holidays are upon us, many of us will be spending time with extended family. Whether you’re traveling to visit parents or they’re coming to stay with you, time spent with family can be filled with blessings — and also lots of stress.

My father-in-law aptly stated it this way: one of the best things about the holidays is seeing the headlights of family members coming up the driveway to visit. The second best thing about the holidays is seeing their taillights as they drive away.

Handling extended family and in-laws can be tricky for most every couple.

Not everyone has the blessing of a good extended family or in-laws. Many spouses still may feel like they must compete against their in-laws for the time and attention of their spouse.

Like it or not, extended family and in-laws are part of your life, so having a good relationship with them is vital. After all, you married into their system. And they can help instill values in your children.

So how do you navigate the extended family and in-law waters this holiday season?

With a mix of tact, straightforwardness, and healthy selfishness.

Whether the relationship with your extended family or in-laws is great or could use some improving, here are some tips that may help.

1. Your spouse comes first.

The Bible even talks about this one — a child will leave their mother and father and cleave to their spouse. When you get married, it’s time to grow up and leave your parents. This doesn’t mean you emotionally kick them to the curb or cut all ties, but you do need to establish your own family. By putting your spouse first, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband or wife over the role of being a child in your parent’s family.

2. Set boundaries.

There are many things that happen in marriage that are none of your parent’s business. If you run to mom or dad any time you have a fight with your spouse, how are you going to learn to handle life with your spouse on your own? Avoid sharing the household secrets with your parents. Discuss with your spouse what topics and areas of your life are off limits to others.

mothersdaughters
Photo by Carolien Dekeersmaeker

3. Establish ground rules.

Much like the previous point, setting clear ground rules for handling extended family will improve your marriage:

When do you and your spouse have exclusive time for each other?
When do you spend time with your extended family?
When do you involve your parents/in-laws in decision-making?
Where should you discuss your marital conflicts: in private or in front of your in-laws?

4. Recognize the culture.

Our culture and upbringing plays a major role in how we do marriage. Recognize the cultural aspects of your spouse’s upbringing. One client I’ve worked with handled it this way: in her upbringing, the women did all the cooking and cleaning up at mealtimes. So when they shared a meal with her parents, he stayed out of the way. However, when her parents weren’t around, he stepped up and helped out or took care of it himself.

5. Don’t criticize your spouse’s relationship with their family or parents.

Nothing can raise a spouse’s defenses faster than criticism. Seek to understand more about their relationship rather than criticize, as that can lead to bitterness and resentment.

6. Be polite.

This doesn’t mean you have to change your personality to please your extended family or in-laws, but respect rules and traditions that are important to the older generation. Being polite and respectful with in-laws will go a long way in improving the relationship — not only with your in-laws, but your spouse as well.

goofingofffamily
Photo by Kevin King

7. Develop code words.

My wife and I have pretty good relationships with each other’s parents and family. Even so, there are still times when they drive us a bit crazy. We’ve developed some code words that we use to lighten the mood between us whenever family is getting too annoying. Have fun with this one, but remember to remain respectful. Derogatory code words will only cause more problems.

8. Spend time with your extended family.

Develop a better relationship with your family members by doing things together. Find out what they enjoy and join them. This could be shopping, playing golf, cards, whatever. You may find you have more in common than you thought.

So works for you when it comes to your relationship with extended family and in-laws?

by Corey on November 11, 2009 • 40 Comments Productivity You

How To Find More Time During The Day

I am an expert time waster. It’s actually a gift. You give me a block of time, even an entire day, and I can accomplish next to nothing through all of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll look busy. I’ll sit at the computer and keep typing. I’ll keep moving about the house as if there are several projects I’m working on at once. But it’s all an act. A show, if you will.

Perhaps I should take it on the road. Charge admission. Put on several shows a week. Nah, that sounds like too much work.

You’re probably reading this wondering, where exactly does this gift come from because I think I’ve got it, too? In fact, you may think you are even more an expert at this gift than me. I’d challenge you to a time-wasting duel, but that would be a colossal waste of time.

Time.

An interesting idea.

Where exactly did the idea come from? And how did it rise to such importance in our life?

Think about it. How much of life is centered around time?

Alarm clocks start us off each day. Schedules dictate how quickly we must leave the house, or when our kids need to move to the next project. We go through the day from one appointment to the next. Checking things off along the way.

We eat according to time. Travel according to time. Sleep according to time. Raise kids according to time. It’s everywhere.

Take a moment and look around you, how many things that tell time do you see? Two, three, more?

Time runs our life.

When asked what you would like more of, you’d probably answer time. Many couples have expressed that one area they would like to improve is quality time in their relationship.

Have you ever spent a week or more away from the tyranny of time?

Where schedules and meals were determined by the sun and your body’s natural rhythms? This often happens while on vacation.

That’s one of the main reasons I love backpacking. You head off into the woods for several days with no time constraints. Life becomes slower. The body’s natural rhythms take over. The important things in life come to the surface.

What if you could live this way every day?

[Read more...]

by Corey on September 2, 2009 • 27 Comments Marriage You

The art of listening in relationships

Photo by Jesslee Cuizon

It’s safe to say that most of us are interested in the quality of our lives. But what we may not remember are the following two ideas:

The quality of our lives depends largely on the quality of our relationships.
To a large extent, the quality of our relationships depend on the quality of our communication.

I’ve stated my belief on communication before – in a committed relationship, you can not not communicate. The real issue is — how do you handle the messages sent between you? Especially the ones involving messages you don’t like, or ones with which you disagree.

While I still fully believe this, for the purposes of this post, “communication” is referring to the actual practices of speaking and listening. It’s through speaking and listening that you can dramatically improve the quality of your relationships, and your life.

See the payoffs in listening well

If you desire a happier life and marriage, then listening well is one of the best ways to get what you want. Through listening, you learn. It will help you discover options and solve a wide variety of problems.

All you have to do is listen.

Remember – communication at best is difficult

The English language is filled with words that are easily misinterpreted and muddled. All you have to do is place the emphasis on a different word in a sentence, and you change its meaning. Not to mention the various definitions of some words – like chair (something you sit on, the leader of a board of directors, or even the metal block that supports and holds railroad tracks).

While being a clear speaker in your conversations will help, being a better listener will help even more.

Marital conversations, especially when heated or tense, often disintegrate into parallel monologues. The conversation reaches a point where neither person is listening to the other, yet each person continues trying to get their point across.

Enter the world of listening.

It’s easy to cross the line from listening to speaking. I know you’ve been there; a friend begins telling you how their vacation went and you interrupt, “That sounds great, just like the time our family went to the beach and …” The conversation just shifted away from them and back to you. Your story became more important than theirs.

Here’s a few ideas to help you become a better listener.

Listen to yourself listen

Listening to yourself requires paying close attention. Instead of mentally preparing a response or the message you are going to send, practice fully receiving the message already heading towards you.

Take note of your internal distractions. You know, the times you feel rushed or when the other person is turning a simple story into an epic drama and you’re losing interest. Or perhaps you’re involved in one conversation at the coffee shop but actually listening to the conversation taking place in the booth behind you.

By listening to yourself listen, you can find tactful ways to disengage yourself from the conversation when you are distracted and not fully present and listening. Honesty is often the best policy. Say something like, “Listen Mary, that sounds like a fascinating story, but right now I’m a bit distracted. I’m concerned about my parent’s health and I’d like to call and find out how they’re doing. I’d like to hear this story when I can really listen, so can we talk a little later in the day?”

When truly listening, it pays to either be genuine or be gone.

Photo by Sharon Mollerus

Use silence and postpone your response

The typical conversation is like a tennis match. One person serves, the other returns. There’s very little time wasted in the conversation. Use silence and postpone your response, which will slow down the conversation. It allows you to fully hear the other person and then appropriately respond. It helps ensure that both of you are more present and heard.

In conversations that are emotional and tense, silence is a tremendous gift. It allows all involved time to think, reflect, and breathe.

Remember that understanding is not agreeing

Listening means receiving an accurate version of the message being sent. Listening also means you gain an insight into the other person’s point of view. Once you understand the message the other person sends, you are then free to respond in any way you choose. And one possible response is to disagree.

Understanding and agreeing are two different things.

As a better listener, you can fully hear other ideas and opinions and then respond appropriately and calmly. As a general rule – until people feel understood, they are less likely to be willing to invest much energy in trying to understand you. And when you don’t feel understood, you’re less likely to invest in trying to understand someone else.

Try it out. Take some time in your next conversations and practice being a better listener. Then let us know how it goes.

What can you add to this idea of becoming a better listener? I’m all ears.

by Corey on July 29, 2009 • 113 Comments Family Bonding Your Family

How to build a great blanket fort

Photo by Hamed Saber

This week I’m going to deviate slightly from the marriage relationship angle and focus on the parent-child side of things.

As the lone male columnist here at Simple Mom, I thought it may be helpful as the dog days of summer are upon us to write up a “how to” on one of the great indoor activities — building a blanket fort. This is a great way to engage your children in imaginative play, especially on extremely hot or rainy days.

Blanket forts can be even more fun by adding friends or sleeping all night inside the fort.

There are many ways to create a blanket fort. The simplest, by far, is made by draping a king or queen size sheet over a kitchen or dining room table. More room can be added by turning the chairs with their backs facing the table and drape the sheet over the chairs as well.

Another easy fort to create involves bunk beds – hang a sheet by tucking it under the top mattress and cover the bed below. The end of the bed can be covered by a towel or small blanket… and voila – you have a fort!

Now that the elementary building is over, it’s time to move on to the next level. And before you ask my qualifications for such instructions, allow me to provide some — I’m male (yes, women can build awesome forts as well), and I’ve built hundreds of forts for my children. And as a child, I even lived in one for an entire summer — it had two rooms, beanbag chairs, a bed, a small fridge, and a TV.

Supplies:

Blankets, sheets, or quilts — and for added versatility, include a couple of fitted sheets
Pillows
Chairs
Tables, a sofa, or a bed — something as a main anchor
Clothespins or tape

Prep work and safety

After you’ve gathered all the supplies, you’ll need to prepare the space for construction. Look for a large space close to large furniture or a bed to use as a main anchor point. You’ll also need to clear out any breakable or valuable objects, as forts tend to be demolished once the children are tired of the creation.

You’ll also want to stay away from small tables or pieces of furniture that could fall over on the kids while they play.

SH103704
Photo by Tsh

Building an awesome fort

Step 1

After you’ve located your space, spread a large sheet over the anchor piece of furniture, like the back of a sofa or the top of a table — in my house we’ve used our piano.

A handy tip: if you are using the back of a sofa as an anchor, use a fitted sheet to hold it more securely.

Step 2

Spread the sheet out and drape it over other pieces of furniture. Use additional sheets and blankets to add more room in the fort. You can either overlap the sheets as they drape over the anchors, or secure them with clothespins or tape (you can also anchor down the corners and sides with heavy objects or books, although it’s not recommended as they could be pulled down on the kids as they play).

Step 3

Bring in chairs or a tall support of some kind to prop up the middle of the sheet. You can use a tri-pod, a bar stool, or another sofa. Avoid using lamps or other objects that may easily fall over. Wherever you see sags in the sheets, simply bring in another chair or support to get the sheet to the desired height.

For advanced builders only: Mount removable 3M hooks in the ceiling, drop string from them, and attach clothespins or potato chip clips to the end of the string. Then clip the blanket or sheet to the clips in order to create a floating ceiling.

Step 4

Once the roof is up, use the extra blankets or pillows to fill in the gaps. You may not get every gap covered — no worries, just use that gap as another door or window.

Step 5

Create a front entrance. No fort is complete without a main door. You can use a pillows, or if you want to really get into it, use a cardboard box as a tunnel entrance.

Photo by Guy Schmidt

Step 6

Stock it with necessary supplies. This will include whatever age appropriate toys or items your kids want: stuffed animals, sleeping bags, flashlights, puzzles, flat screen TV with DVD player, cold beer and pretzels (oh wait — those last few are my supplies). You get the idea.

Step 7

Step back and enjoy your awesome creation. It’s time to play.

One final tip: get in the fort with your kids. Let them be in charge of the play. It can be a great experience together.

Did I miss anything? Add your tips and advice in the comments.

by Corey on June 24, 2009 • 51 Comments Marriage You

When will he ever stop doing…?

Photo by Sasha Wolff

Every marriage, every relationship, is fraught with perpetual problems and issues. It’s common that I will counsel a couple for several sessions, they reach their desired goals, and leave with renewed hope and energy for the marriage–then come back several years later still arguing about the same issues.

While each person has changed and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, they’re still having the same argument. Perhaps you’ve even seen this in your parent’s marriage, or in your grandparent’s. They fought about the same thing their entire life.

One of the leaders in the field of marriage research, John Gottman, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual in nature. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.

Now before this is totally deflating to you, hear me out.

There are many areas in marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here’s a few:

One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
One of you wants sex far more frequently that the other.
You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does their share until you nag them, which makes them angry.

Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of the differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?

Many people have a fairy tale view of marriage. You and your lover will agree on everything and only argue about what movie to rent on Saturday night.

Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive. ~ John Gottman

Problems in marriage are similar to inevitable physical ailments as you age. Back pain, trick knee, tennis elbow, or arthritic hands await us all. Bummer.

I play pick-up games of basketball two to three times a week, and have been doing this for the past 11 years. Now, several sprained ankles and a knee surgery later, I feel the effects of playing more and more. I may not love the effects but I still love to play, so I’ve discovered ways to cope with them, and to avoid things that will worsen them.

Marriage is the same. The perpetual problems that come with every relationship will not go away. Some times it gets better, other times it gets worse.

The key — continue to keep working it out. Acknowledge the problems and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences.

In unstable marriages, perpetual problems are likely going to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked.

You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You’re spinning your wheels. And since you’re making no progress, you both may feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, the four horsemen of the apocalypse become ever more present, and humor and affection leave the room.

Problems in marriage will happen. How you address these problems is up to you.

As you face future problems, have a discussion about whether it’s one that fits in the perpetual category, or if it’s solvable. Then spend your time and energy working on the ones you can solve.

Shameless plug warning: I’m beginning a series at Simple Marriage to take this idea even further. If you’re interested in joining us, feel free to subscribe.

What have you discovered that helps you address perpetual problems in marriage?